Apple Proposal
by 9r7g5h
Summary: When Cyrene hears a rumor, things start to get a bit out of hand for everyone involved.
1. Don't Believe the Rumors, Cyrene

**AN:** Ok, so. Apparently, in ancient Greece, if you tossed an apple at someone, it was considered a marriage proposal. That little fact started this fic, and what was going to be a one shot turned into a 50K monster. The fic is completely written, just need to finish editing it, and I'm planning on posting a new chapter every few days. Hopefully you all enjoy the fluff and the fun!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Xena: Warrior Princess.

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Cyrene, having owned the tavern her entire life, dealt in two types of currencies- dinars and gossip.

The dinars kept her and her customers fed, the ale and wine flowing, and kept her tavern well stocked for whatever might come her way. Even if one day she had to leave, the pouch dinars she kept buried under the third stone to the left of her bedroom window in the courtyard were more than enough for her to set up again somewhere else, should Amphipolis no longer be her home. They gave her a security blanket when her children weren't there, reassuring her that she wouldn't end up in the streets, like some of the other family-less older members of their town occasionally did before someone took pity on them and took them in.

But in many ways, gossip was her real payment for the work she did. Being unable to travel often, it was the best way for her to learn about the world outside her four sturdy walls.

Occasionally it scared her, the things she heard. This new warlord had sacked a town just a week's ride away. Another had just killed everyone, burning them in their homes for his own pleasure. A third had left the place a ghost town, having rounded up every villager to sell to the slavers. And when it wasn't the warlords it was the kings, constantly going back and forward between peace treaties and declarations of war, neither of which ever lasted very long. These rumors left her tense, aching, longing for nothing more than someplace where they couldn't reach her.

She'd never leave, not on her own free will, but sometimes she wished she could.

Besides those, many of the rumors she heard were calming. The Harvest Festival in Poteidaia had been especially beautiful this year, the town having had a surprise blooming of wild flowers in the forests nearby. The Athens Academy for Bards had put on a student run play, and half way through the opening night's production the leading man had accidently knocked over a lantern, setting half the stage on fire and panicking the guests. Rome had crowned a new Emperor, the latest one having met his fate at the hands of his very council. Little bits and pieces of the world came to Cyrene in her tavern, telling her the tales she couldn't see for herself.

Some of it, though? Some of it she right out ignored, or laughed at the absurdity of it all, because, quite frankly, it wasn't true. Stories about the heroes of their time, Hercules, Perseus, even her daughter Xena, were common gossip fodder, and were more often than not gross exaggerations of the truth. A detail might be right, here or there, but for the most part, nothing about anyone famous was to be believed, at least until she could confirm it with the person herself. They were fun rumors to laugh over as she filled mugs or baked the bread her customers would want the next day, but they were never to be taken at face value.

"Hercules took out twelve nemean lions by himself, with his bare hands, all while suffering from a hydra's poisonous bite."

"Perseus punched a kraken in the face, and the kraken _liked_ it."

"I can't believe the Warrior Princess is getting married."

"Excuse me?"

But sometimes, sometimes she couldn't help herself, especially when it was her daughter involved.

"Yeah," the young man said, looking up from the friends he had been chatting away with, a bit startled at Cyrene's sudden presence by their table. "Haven't yah heard? Xena, the Warrior Princess, got engaged. Or, rather, engaged herself, since she was the one who proposed. Did it in front of the whole market too, in some town up north, so there's plenty of witnesses. She's lookin' to settle down, I reckon, from what I've been hearin', and make a steady life for herself. I'm just upset it ain't me," he threw in, throwing a sly grin towards his friends and chuckling. "What I wouldn't give to have her in my bed and-"

"Tell me," Cyrene cut in before the young man could make a rude comment about her child, "who exactly is it that my _daughter's_ engaged to? Since this is the first time I've heard about my _child's_ suitor." She emphasized her relationship to Xena, making it clear he should watch his tongue.

The young man's eyes widened at the tone of Cyrene's voice, his throat working hard to swallow the thick clump of dust he suddenly found in his mouth at her words. Looking up at her, he felt his blood run cold at the sight of her face- if looks could kill, he wouldn't have lasted another moment. Stuttering heavily, the young man forced out an apology, saying he didn't know who Xena- that lovely, respectable woman- had found to become her spouse, since he hadn't been listening too closely when he first heard the rumor, but he wished her the best and many happy years with whoever it turned out to be. Shaking in his skin as Cyrene's glare refused to lift, he and his friends quickly vacated the tavern, leaving their payment and a rich tip behind as they scurried out, fighting to be the first through the door.

Cyrene just laughed and cleaned up after the boys, shaking her head at the thought that the rumor could have any kind of truth. Or, if it did have some truth, it was only because Xena had 'proposed' to someone as part of one of her strange, over the top plans. Because, as much as it killed her a little bit to admit it, Xena just wasn't the marrying type. Tartarus would freeze over before Cyrene had the satisfaction of seeing her daughter say her vows, and while she had long since accepted that fact, it just made rumors like this all the more hilarious. And semi-annoying.

But from the last scroll Gabrielle had written to her (Cyrene thanked the gods often that Xena had allowed the young bard to accompany her on her journey- every few weeks she received a scroll, detailing the girl's travel plans and giving an estimation of when they were next expecting to visit, along with letting her know they were still alive and well), the two of them were planning a visit within the next two months or so. She could get the full story then, if she didn't completely forget the rumor beforehand, and lay this whole thing to rest.

Most rumors, however, Cyrene only heard two, maybe three times before they wore themselves out, the gossipers quickly moving onto something more interesting to talk about. But in the three weeks that followed Cyrene first hearing about her daughter's supposedly impending nuptials, she heard this specific rumor almost every day from multiple customers, the whisperers speaking about it as if it was gospel truth.

The details were always a little different. Some said Xena had been the one to propose, in the middle of the town, proclaiming her love with every movement and word. Others said Xena's mysterious lover (because no one, so far, had been able to tell Cyrene who, exactly, her daughter was supposed to be marrying) had been the one to propose, in the middle of a forest clearing, alone except for some wanderers who had stumbled upon the beautiful moment. Even others claimed that she had already tied the knot, a quick ceremony in the closest Temple of Aphrodite with the goddess herself presiding, making the warrior a married woman.

No matter the exact details, everyone, over and over again, could agree on one thing: Xena was in love and preparing to tie her life to someone else's, and Cyrene had no clue who.

It couldn't be Hercules, no. He and Iolaus had just recently passed through, right before the rumors had started, heading off towards Athens to take care of some problem with the locals. Cyrene was sure the demi-god would have said something if he and Xena were romantically involved again, and Iolaus would have screamed it from the first rooftop he could climb. And that was when they were sober. The two of them had indulged in a large amount of ale and wine during their stay with her, and while Xena and Gabrielle had come up in the conversation, the talk had been more about the next festival they were all supposed to meet up at in a few months' time. Nothing to indicate romantic feelings either way.

And in similar ways she ruled out everyone else it could be. It couldn't be Autolycus; the King of Thieves was in Thebes. It couldn't be any of Xena's Amazon friends- Solari had been in town just a while ago with a handful of other Amazon women, trying to open new trade routes, and had stopped by to say hello to the 'Mother of the Warrior Princess.' The two of them had had a lovely discussion about Amazon politics, and Solari had mentioned off handedly that everyone-except, of course, their little group and their Queen-was accounted for in the village. Meaning none of the Amazons Cyrene had heard about the last time Xena had come to visit could be the one.

Cyrene had run through her entire list of Xena's friends, and was close to driving herself mad, when the answer finally came. In the form of Joxer, already half drunk when he had stumbled into her tavern, but it was an answer nonetheless, and Cyrene had pounced on the boy for some kind of explanation the moment she got him seated.

His answer was obvious, and Cyrene almost hated herself for not thinking of it first.

"It's Gabrielle," Joxer had muttered darkly, staring into the bottom of his mug. "I was there, too. I watched Xena propose, Gabrielle accept, the whole thing. Of course, they didn't know I was there- I was practicing my sneaking technique, and when I'm in stealth mode, even Xena can't find me. The King of Thieves? Heh. More like the King of Dweebs, in comparison to me, you know? I could steal the hair off a giant's nose, if I wanted to. I could-"

"Yes, yes, Joxer," Cyrene interrupted. "I'm sure you're very impressive. Back to Xena and Gabrielle, please?"

"I love Gabrielle, you know," Joxer said sadly after a few moments of silence. "I thought she could be the one. But I watched Xena propose, Gabrielle accept, the whole nine yards. It's clear she's not. Though I wanted her to be."

Joxer quickly drained his mug, ale spilling from the corners of his mouth, before wiping at his eyes. Looking up at Cyrene, the tavern owner could tell some kind of question was about to leave the man's mouth, one she could guess at and didn't want to get into right now when he was drunk.

"How about I get you some more to drink? On me."

Joxer just nodded and laid his head on the table while Cyrene took his mug and walked away.

She was angry. Not with Joxer, or Gabrielle, or even Xena, though it would have been nice if Xena had given her some kind of heads up about the addition to their family. No, she was angry with herself, because while Gabrielle was the obvious contender for Xena's hand, she hadn't thought of the young bard first.

It was clear to everyone who spent more than a few minutes with the two women that they were in love. Xena looked at Gabrielle as if she was the sun, moon, and stars all rolled into one, as if every piece of light within her life was contained within the girl. Gabrielle, for her part, saw Xena as her world: she would- and had, from the stories the girls had told her- follow Xena into Tartarus and back, if it meant being able to stay by the warrior's side.

It was clear to everyone that the two of them were in love. Except to them. Xena, the one time Cyrene had brought up Gabrielle's affections, had stated that Gabrielle "only saw her as a friend," and had moodily shut down the conversation when she had tried to convince her otherwise. Gabrielle had made a similar claim about Xena just a few hours later, when Cyrene had tried to broach the subject with her, with similar (if more pleasant, since Cyrene didn't think Gabrielle had it in her to be overly rude to someone who wasn't unpleasant first) results when she had tried to push the issue.

While Gabrielle had crossed her mind for a moment, Cyrene had figured that Xena, too oblivious to really see how much the bard really loved her, had forced herself to move on and find someone else. The idea that both girls had finally gotten their heads out of the clouds (or, in Xena's case, out of her ass) and confessed their feelings for each other was more than pleasing- Cyrene was ecstatic. She had always liked Gabrielle, from the first time they had met, and to have her as a daughter-in-law?

Cyrene was over the moon and, sure, maybe she was jumping the crossbow a bit, but oh well. Sending one of her serving girls out to take care of the front, Cyrene found a mostly blank scroll and a quill set, the ink an off tinged purple instead of the black she had been hoping for. Oh well. They were going to be family soon, so who cared about a little bit of personal touch or a message that was written on partly scribbled out shopping lists?

"Joxer," Cyrene said softly when she finally went out to the front room, sitting next to the drunk warrior and gently rubbing his back. "Joxer, are you awake?"

"Yeah," the man moaned, "though not by choice."

"Do you think you're awake enough to do me a favor?"

"I'm Joxer the Mighty," Joxer said, pushing himself up so he sat at the table instead of lying on it, though his eyes had a bit of trouble focusing. "I roam through the country side, I never need a place to hide…" His song trailing off as he realized the next line, his face began to crumple again, a sniffle hinting at how close he was to tears. "Sure, Cyrene-y, whatever you need."

"I want you to go to Poteidaia and give this letter to Gabrielle's parents. Do you think you can do that for me?"

"Yeah, yeah," Joxer said, reaching out to take the letter Cyrene held out for him- and missing completely. His face crinkling into an annoyed furrow, he tried again, with the same results. "If the letter would stop moving and become a physical thing I could grasp, I'd totally be up for it. But…"

"You're going to stay here for the night," Cyrene said, tucking the letter into the pouch Joker had hanging from his belt, "and you can head out tomorrow in the morning. Alright?"

"Sounds good to me. And Cyrene-y?"

"Yes, Joxer?"

"You're the prettiest middle aged woman I've ever met."

With that the young man was out, asleep face down on the table, snoring lightly and drooling onto the wood. Biting her lip to keep her laughter inside, Cyrene waved over two of the local men who visited her tavern often and gave one the key to the room at the top of the stairs, offering their next round free if they would put Joxer to bed. Cleaning up the table as the two men lifted him into their arms- he was surprisingly heavy, though most of that was probably his makeshift armor- Cyrene let herself chuckle as the boy was taken away.

There was almost a month left before the girls were supposed to visit. Meaning that, if her letter to Gabrielle's parents about wedding arrangements took another day to get to them, it wouldn't be too big of a deal.

They still had another month to plan the surprise wedding for their daughters. Another day wouldn't hurt.


	2. In Which Mistakes Are Realized

**AN 1:** It's not letting me post the entire chapter title. :( So, the whole title is called "In Which Mistakes Are Realized and A Plot is Hatched."

 **AN 2:** Ok, so. A couple of people have asked me when this takes place, and I honestly have no clue? I'm guessing somewhere in season 4, before Gabrielle's hair gets cut and she goes on her 'Way of Peace' rampage. Or late season 3, before Gabrielle sacrifices herself to kill Hope. So yeah. I honestly have no clue, but let's just go there. Also, I have decided that I will post every Sunday and Wednesday afternoon/evening until the fic is done. Hopefully you guys all enjoy the story!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Xena.

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By the time Xena and Gabrielle finally appeared on the ridge of the hills surrounding the town, Xena on top of Argo and Gabrielle keeping pace, everything was already planned. The wedding date was set, the reception paid for, and the entire guest lists' invitations sent out, with most of them having already sent back their acceptances. Oh, Cyrene knew Xena was be angry- even as a young girl, Xena had hated surprises, and a surprise wedding (especially when neither party had told their families about the engagement yet), was as big of a surprise as someone could get.

But the moment Hecuba and Lila had showed up on her doorstep a few days after Joxer had been sent off, carting scrolls of notes and promising Herodotus would be along in a week or so once he had settled some things on the farm, Cyrene just couldn't help herself. While Herodotus had made it clear that he didn't approve, and was planning on making his disapproval clear to Xena the moment she showed up, Hecuba and Lila had been more than excited enough to make up for him. They had started planning the moment they had received her letter, and with how excited the two of them were, Cyrene just couldn't help but jump in.

Besides, knowing Xena, if they didn't take care of planning the wedding themselves, Xena and Gabrielle would end up married in some random, backwater temple by a drunk priest wearing their traveling gear. No real ceremony, no family involvement, nothing more than the two of them and Argo as a witness. No way. Cyrene refused to accept that her daughter, the first of her children to get married, would bond herself to her love in such a way, and Hecuba had agreed. So, if the two brides weren't going to be in charge of their own wedding, their mothers had seen to it.

And they had arrived just on time. With the wedding a week away (a date Cyrene had been terrified to agree upon, since the girl's travel plans were always so sketchy, but the best they had been able to agree upon based on what they knew), that left just long enough to get them to the seamstress' for dresses to be made. Once those were completed (and the seamstresses had agreed it would only take a few days for them to be done), all they had to do was wait.

So, while Xena might be mad (Gabrielle, they all suspected, would just be glad to not have the stress, even if she was slightly miffed that she hadn't been able to plan her own second wedding), the warrior would thank them all in the end. When she was happily married and only having to worry about the honeymoon, Xena would thank them for their work.

Something Cyrene kept in mind as she went out to welcome the girls, her smile wide as they approached.

"Xena, Gabrielle," Cyrene called the moment they were in earshot, her arms wide open to welcome them. "I'm so glad to see you two! Come here." Pulling Gabrielle into a hug while Xena dismounted from Argo, Cyrene placed two quick kisses on her cheeks and held her close, sighing softly as she did. The moment Xena's feet hit the ground, Cyrene reached out and grabbed her as well, pulling her down so Xena was level enough to kiss her cheek too. "Oh, it's so good to see you two," Cyrene laughed, tugging both amused women by the arm towards the tavern. "Come in, come in, we have so much to talk about."

"It's good to see you too, Mom," Xena laughed, trying to gently tug her mother to a stop. "But Gabrielle and I have to get Argo seen to, and-"

"Oh, worry about Argo later," Cyrene said with a laugh, throwing the horse an apologetic look over her shoulder. "We have so much to get done! Gabrielle, your mother and sister- lovely women- are down at the bakery asking about possible dessert choices, and Xena, Gabrielle's father wants to take to you alone, so please, darling, no matter what he says, don't get mad and don't kill him. Oh, and the guests are going to be arriving soon, and-"

"Mother, Father, and Lila are here," Gabrielle asked, coming to a stop, finally forcing Cyrene to stop as well. "Why? When did they get here? Is everything alright at home?"

"Mom," Xena said, pulling herself away from Cyrene's grasp, her own hands coming up to take Cyrene by the shoulders. Bending slightly to meet Cyrene's gaze, Xena searched her eyes, looking for some sign of madness or confusion or anything that could explain her mother's strange behavior. "Mom, what is going on?"

Seeing the girls' strange, confused looks, Cyrene started to laugh, shaking her head as she did. "I'm sorry, darlings, I'm just so excited by everything, I'm getting everything in the wrong order." Feeling nervous at having to explain things to the two women standing before her, Cyrene turned and took their hands, smiling widely. "Well, girls, I had been hearing the rumors for a couple of weeks now, and at first I didn't believe them. But then Joxer came along, and I got confirmation, and, well, I might have put the cart before the horse. But," she said, pulling one hand away to hold it before her in a defensive gesture, "I'm not the only one. When I sent the message to your family, Gabrielle, your parents were just as eager to help. We were all just so excited when we heard the news that, well…" Pausing, her grin growing even wider, Cyrene took a step back and waved towards the town where, unknown to the girls, preparations were well under way.

"We all planned the wedding."

"…Mom, who's wedding did you all plan?"

Shaking her head, trying to hide her grin, Cyrene looked back and forward between the two, wondering who was going to break first. When neither did, she just sighed and rolled her eyes, gesturing to the two of them. "You know, Xena," Cyrene said, "I know you like to keep your personal life a secret, but really, if the two of you had wanted to keep your engagement to yourselves, you shouldn't have proposed in front of an entire village."

"And yes," she continued when they looked at her in shock, both of their mouths falling open as they tried to find something to say, " _everyone_ knows. The rumor about the two of you getting engaged has been spreading across Greece like a wildfire for two months now. Well, knowing the two of you and your busy lives, when I heard and told Gabrielle's parents, we decided that we would plan the wedding for you two, so you wouldn't have to worry about it yourselves or get married in some backwater temple all alone. Please," Cyrene said, watching as a strange look passed over Xena's face, "don't get mad. We all just wanted-"

"Mom," Xena finally said, speaking over Cyrene so she could be heard. "Mom, we're not getting married."

"Oh, come on, Xena," Cyrene said, rolling her eyes. "I know you don't like surprises, but everyone worked very hard on planning this wedding. And you know you'll thank us when it's over. You just-"

"No, Cyrene," Gabrielle interrupted this time, stepping forward so she was standing right before the woman. "Cyrene," she said again, "I don't know where you heard this rumor, but Xena and I aren't engaged. We never were."

"Of course you are," Cyrene said, her smile never leaving her face as she looked back and forward between the two who were just standing there, shaking their heads. "I've heard about the rumors almost every day for two months." Still, they shook their heads. "I specifically asked Joxer who you were engaged to, Xena, and he said Gabrielle." Again, neither said a word, just shook their head at her. "You mean to tell me," Cyrene said slowly, her smile still planted on her lips, a scary contrast to her dropped voice, "that Joxer, who claimed that he specifically saw you propose, was wrong? That we planned this entire wedding for nothing? That the two of you haven't finally realized you are, in fact, madly in love with each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together?"

Finally, for once, the two of them nodded.

And wished that they hadn't, for the change that came over Cyrene's face was, in fact, quite terrifying. What was more terrifying was when she lunged for them, taking their wrists in bruising grasps before literally dragging them to the stables behind the inn. Practically throwing the two into the room, her glare promising bodily harm if they moved, she quickly stormed out, leaving the two terrified women and Argo, who had followed, alone. Though not for long, for a minute later she returned, dragging a protesting Joxer in by his ear.

"Joxer, explain."

"Owww," Joxer moaned, rubbing at his ear as Cyrene released him, leaving him to stumble forward. He caught himself on a post, hauling himself to his feet as he looked around, clearly confused. "Cyrene, what am I supposed to be explaining? Oh, hi, Xena, Gabrielle. Finally here for your wedding?"

"Joxer," Cyrene said, stepping before him and taking his face between her hands, putting herself between him and Xena and Gabrielle so the two wouldn't kill him. "Joxer, I need to get a few facts straight. Alright?"

"Sure," Joxer said slowly, nodding as Cyrene led him to a barrel and pushed him down to sit. "What is it you need to know?"

"Do you remember a few weeks ago, when you came into my tavern half drunk, and I asked you whether or not that rumor about Xena being engaged was true?"

"Yeah," Joxer replied. "I told you all about it, then the next morning you sent me off to tell Gabrielle's parents so you guys could start planning. What about it?"

"Joxer," Xena said, stepping in, rolling her eyes as she knelt down to be eye level with the man. "I don't know what you saw, but Joxer, I never proposed to Gabrielle. Not for real, not for a plan to capture a warlord, never. Where did you get that idea?"

"I saw you," Joxer said, sounding offended at the very idea that he could be wrong. "With my own two eyes, I saw you propose and Gabrielle accept. Everyone saw. I'm surprised the rumors didn't spread sooner, since it's the truth."

"Joxer," Gabrielle cut in, putting her hand on Xena's shoulder so the warrior wouldn't punch the man. "Joxer, how about you tell us what you saw, so we can figure out where this mix up happened, ok? Maybe, once we know where things went wrong, we can fix it."

"Fix what," Cyrene asked, running her hands through her hair. "Based off of what _he_ said, we've spent the last month and a half planning this wedding. We've invited everyone we know to this wedding. Everything's been planned and organized and paid for, and no one is going to be happy about this if it turns out to not be true. There's no fixing this, just trying to do damage control. So, Joxer, why in Tartarus did you tell me that Xena had proposed to Gabrielle?"

"Because she threw an apple at her."

Silence. Absolute, complete and utter silence as the three women just stared at him, their minds racing as they tried to comprehend what he had just said. Finally, Xena was the first to find her tongue, though she sounded half choked as she did.

"You told my mother, and half of Greece while you were at it, that Gabrielle and I were engaged…because I threw an _apple_ at her?"

"Well, yeah," Joxer said, nodding in confirmation. "Couple of months ago, you and Gabrielle were in a market place, doing your shopping for whatever it was, and you bought some apples. You called out Gabrielle's name, she turned, and you tossed an apple at her. Gabrielle caught it and started to eat. Everyone saw, there were plenty of witnesses. What was I supposed to do," he finally asked, waving his hand towards Cyrene. "Lie to your mother because your proposal was less than romantic and you guys hadn't made your relationship public yet? Thanks for that, by the way," he added, turning to speak directly to Gabrielle. "You guys could have told your best friend that you were dating; would have made things a lot easier. And I don't know why you were hiding it; most of Greece already knows."

"Joxer," Xena said slowly, her quickly rising temper clear in her voice, "Gabrielle and I weren't hiding anything. There never was any relationship to begin with. And me throwing an apple at her certainly wasn't a proposal. I don't-"

"Actually, Xena," Gabrielle cut in, a thoughtful look on her face, "it technically is."

"What?"

Cyrene began to laugh. At first it was just a chuckle, though it quickly turned into a full belly howl, her head tilting back as she tried to breathe through her mirth, her hand reaching out to grab the edge of Joxer's barrel as she doubled over, holding her stomach as if in pain. After a few long minutes, when she was finally able to calm herself down, though still unable to rise, Cyrene reached over and smacked Xena on the arm.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Apples," Cyrene said with a quivering voice, though whether or not it was because of the laughter or her anger, none of them were sure. "You threw an apple at her. Apples are the sacred fruit of Hera. Do you remember who Hera is, Xena, or did all of your schooling on culture bleed out of your ears while you were out warlording?" Not giving Xena a chance to answer, Cyrene pushed herself fully upright, beginning to pace as she spoke. "Hera, since your absolute distain for the gods seems to make it so you can't remember anything about them, is the Goddess of _Marriage_. So, it is officially recognized, in all of Greece, that the presentation of an apple is a marriage proposal. In most cities, they don't even accept the proposal as official until an exchanging of apples takes place. Throwing an apple at someone is the most common way to get engaged, even if the two parties aren't in a relationship- it's still a recognized engagement. It was how your _father_ , as I have told you _so_ many times, proposed to _me_. So you were right, Joxer," Cyrene said, coming to a halt before the trio, her face buried in her hands. "My daughter is legally engaged, she was just too stupid to realize it."

"Hey!"

"Cyrene," Gabrielle said, standing up before a fight could break out between mother and daughter. "Cyrene, I am just as much to blame as Xena is," Gabrielle said, reaching out to take the woman's hands, ignoring Xena's angry pout to focus on the older woman before her. "I knew about the connection between Hera and the apples, and I shouldn't have eaten it right there in the middle of the market, accepting the engagement. I just knew Xena didn't mean it like that, and I wasn't thinking about everyone else. It's not entirely her fault."

"You're right," Cyrene said after a moment, nodding her head. "It is both of your faults, which is why you're going to go through with the wedding."

"Moth-"

"No," Cyrene said, holding out her hand to cut off the protests she could see building on Xena and Gabrielle's lips. "No. See, if I had been mistaken, if it had turned out that you two weren't actually engaged, then I would take the fall. I would march out there, tell everyone what a fool I was for believing a rumor and getting all excited the first of my children's weddings, and send everyone home. I would do it in a heartbeat, if I had been wrong, taking the blame and accepting my new position as the town fool. You know I would, Xena," Cyrene said, turning to look her daughter right in the eyes. And Xena couldn't deny it, because it was true. "However, while I did get over excited and make assumptions and started putting together this whole thing without asking you- for good reason, mind," she added, "seeing as how we all just wanted to do was make sure you two had an actual wedding. With family, and friends, and everyone else who loved you, and we went about it in the way that we thought would cause you the least amount of stress. A mistake, I know that now, but a mistake built upon an actual fact. You two," she said, pointing between the bard and the warrior, "are engaged. Unless you've been to a temple of Hera recently and asked her to nullify the engagement, that engagement still stands, whether you meant it like that or not. Hera's laws are very clear and very strict on that. So we're going to have a wedding."

"Cyrene…"

"Gabrielle," Cyrene said softly, turning to look at the strawberry blonde, putting on her best sympathetic face. If she could convince the bard, then she had the warrior- Xena was whipped, and while she would protest the entire time, if Gabrielle agreed, then Cyrene had them both. And all she had to do was get Gabrielle to agree at least to a ploy so she could save face. "Gabrielle, your mother and sister were so happy when they heard you were getting married. And this time in a way that they could actually be involved." Cyrene hated herself for a moment when Gabrielle flinched, the reminder of her late husband an old, mostly healed wound that still hurt every now and then. "Are you really going to be able to stand the look of disappointment in their faces when we tell them that all of their hard work, everything they've been doing out of excitement and love for you for the last month and a half, is for nothing? They just want you to be happy and in love," she added, dropping her voice a bit lower, knowing by the look in Gabrielle's face that she had her on the line. She just needed to drive the nail home. "Are you really going to tell them you're not?"

"I guess going through with the wedding wouldn't be the worst thing in the world," Gabrielle finally said after a few long moments, shaking her head and crossing her arms as she did so.

"Oh, come on, Gabrielle," Xena exclaimed. "Mom was playing you. We don't have to go through with this, not at all."

"I know she was, Xena," Gabrielle said with a sigh, "but everything she said was right. When I got married to Perdicas, it was a spur of the moment thing- he asked, I accepted, and we were married less than eight hours later after only getting to know each other again for a day. We should have gone home, told our parents, gone through all of the proper channels- if we had, I might have realized earlier, again, that marrying him wasn't the best thing for me, and he might still be alive. But we didn't, I rushed into marrying him because he needed me, and my first marriage didn't even last a full day. And my family never got to be involved. You know how my mother and Lila are," Gabrielle added, running her hand through her hair, gathering the long strands over her shoulder so she could play with the ends. "Ever since I was little, Lila and I had been planning our weddings, imagining how they would go, promising each other that we would be involved in each other's. I know it hurt Lila and my parents that I didn't get married at home; maybe this can be a chance to fix this, even if it's not for real?"

"You're honestly suggesting we get married so Lila and your mother can be happy about planning wedding planner?"

"Is it that awful of an idea," Cyrene asked, sliding into the conversation- now that she had Gabrielle on her side, the two of them tag teaming Xena would make it easier. "I'm not saying you have to stay married for long," she quickly threw in, "but it clearly means a lot to Gabrielle and her family. You could go through with the wedding, which would help to keep me from looking like a fool and losing business because of your mistake-" she couldn't help the thick layer of guilt; she already got enough flack around the town for being the only female tavern owner in the area, she didn't need more from people thinking her daughter had run out on her own nuptials, or that Cyrene herself was too stupid to know fiction from fact- "Gabrielle's family will be happy about getting to be involved, and in a month or two you both can go to a temple and quietly get the marriage annulled. Since you don't have any children or land, it would be quick, painless, and no one would be any wiser. Come on, Xena." Cyrene added the extra plea, knowing her daughter was teetering on the edge of agreeing. "For me?"

"You know," Joxer spoke up in the silence that fell, "it's really not that bad of an idea. Helps everyone involved, really. Keeps the two of you safe from looking like wedding skippers – which, let's be real, would really piss off the lady upstairs, and you guys already have enough trouble with the gods- and it might even get old Ares off your back. He can't keep using the fact that you're single against you if you have a Misses. Plus, from what I've seen," Joxer continued, adding in his own two cents, "a lot of people just want to see the two of you happy. And doing this would make all of them really, really happy."

"I hate you all." That was the only reply they got out of Xena as she pushed herself to her feet, rubbing the anger and disbelief from her face. Standing to her full height, she held out her hand towards Gabrielle. "Ready to go see the in-laws, honey," Xena asked, the smile on her face soft, even if the tone of her voice spelt murder. "Because I sure am."

"Lead the way, dear. I already know your family likes me," Gabrielle teased, taking Xena's hand and interlocking their fingers, giving a small squeeze of reassurance. Turning towards Cyrene, Gabrielle nodded towards her and smiled. "It's my family that you need to win."

"Kill me now," Xena groaned, turning towards Argo with a pleading look. When the horse did nothing, Xena just glared at her and sighed, walking after Gabrielle as the bard began to make her way towards the stable doors.

 _What in Tartarus have I gotten myself into this time?_


	3. Acting is Hard

**AN 1:** Full title is "Acting is Hard, Especially When Surprises Happen"

 **AN 2:** And now we're on the third chapter, where the girls have to start confronting everyone who believed the wedding is real! :D This was quite fun to write, and I hope that you all enjoy it!

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Xena. I wish I did, but, sadly, I do not.

* * *

At first it wasn't so bad. Walking into the tavern, only a few of the girls Cyrene hired to mind the tables actually noticed them, nodding and smiling widely in greeting, even if they did give their conjoined hands an extra glance and smirk. One just pointed out a table in the corner, just like Xena liked, and motioned for them to go sit so she could bring them something to drink.

That peace lasted all of a minute before they were noticed by everyone else. And then everyone else swarmed.

Xena found herself grasping Gabrielle's hand tighter as she pulled her closer, half curling around her as the crowd surrounded them; friends and family and people Xena half remembered from her childhood and had only seen once or twice when in Poteidaia yelled out their congratulations and well wishes, a dozen hands patting their backs and arms and whatever else they could reach, crowding far too close for Xena to like. It took everything within her to not pull her sword- not to harm, but to get them to back off so she could breathe and stand next to Gabrielle instead of having her tucked awkwardly into her side. Forcing herself to nod and smile and thank the people around her, Xena pulled her hand away from Gabrielle's to wrap it around her waist instead, her hand landing on Gabrielle's hip and giving it a light squeeze.

 _Stay close,_ her movement said, and Gabrielle just smiled as well and laid her head on Xena's shoulder, pressing their sides together. One hand fell on top of Xena's on her waist, Gabrielle's fingers tracing soothing lines against her skin.

 _I will, it's alright. I'm here, calm down._

Xena just chuckled at the words Gabrielle drew onto the back of her hand, forcing herself to relax. This wasn't some angry mob or band of warriors, trying to separate them so they could harm Gabrielle. This was a group of happy and half-drunk villagers who had come out to see their wedding. They meant no harm.

Xena finally laughed, reaching out to take one of the hands offered towards her, returning the steady grip- only to find herself face to face with her future father-in-law, Herodotus' face grim.

The tavern went silent as father and warrior sized each other up, neither being the first to break the handshake that joined them. In the back of her mind, Xena was well aware of what things looked like- her arm wrapped around Gabrielle's waist, Gabrielle tucked happily into her side; it was as if they were a real couple. A real couple facing the father of one of the brides.

It was Herodotus who finally looked away first, gesturing with his chin towards the front door, outside where no one could interrupt them.

"Mind if I steal her for a bit, Gabrielle," he asked, turning to smile softly at his daughter, though his movements and mannerisms were still stiff. As if he was expecting Gabrielle to say no, or for Xena to refuse.

"Of course," Gabrielle said, "just so long as both of you come back soon." Smiling at the two of them, Gabrielle pushed up onto the tips of her toes to quickly kiss Xena on the cheek- throwing the warrior for a loop. Xena was only just able to hide her look of surprise before Gabrielle pulled away to kiss her father the same way.

She should have expected it- when Gabrielle got into a role, she took it all the way. If they were supposed to be a couple, casual displays of affection would be common, something Gabrielle would have taken into account and added to their act. Still, it surprised Xena, and settled a warmth in her chest as she followed Herodotus from the tavern and out into the stables.

Xena was even more surprised when, the moment the doors were closed, Herodotus turned and pulled her into a hug.

"I know we've had our differences," Herodotus said as he pulled away a moment later, refusing to look her in the eye. Instead he looked around the stable, examining everything else he could so he could get out the words he had to say. "We've had a lot of them in the past," he chuckled, rubbing the back of his head. "I haven't liked you, and I know you certainly haven't liked me. And that's probably my fault. I was angry that Gabrielle ran away with you, and instead of trying to see the good it's done her, I held my grudge. And I do have to say I was mad, when I first heard you and Gabrielle were engaged," Herodotus admitted, shooting her a guilty glance. "My daughter, getting married to an ex-warlord. That's all I could think about, over and over again, was your past."

"It's a hard past to get over," Xena admitted, wondering where the man was going with this. It wasn't often that people said what they were thinking outright to her- that was more Gabrielle's expertise, the sensitive talks. So instead she kept quiet, waiting for him to continue.

"It is," Herodotus agreed. "You've killed so many innocent people, and while I do believe you're trying to do good now, I've always feared what might happen if you one day turned on Gabrielle."

"I would _never_ -"

"I know, I know," Herodotus cut in, raising his hands in a defensive gesture as Xena took a step forward, her outrage clear in her voice at his implication. "At least, I know now. You would never hurt her- I've seen the way you look at her, and I just know. You really do love her, don't you?"

"I do." The words weren't false or some kind of play- out here, between the two of them, Xena could say what she meant. She had been in love with the bard for quite some time now, and while Gabrielle would never know herself, Xena wasn't scared to let her father see. "I really do."

"Then I'm glad it's you, Xena," Herodotus said with a smile- a real one, not like the one he had forced on his face back inside the tavern. "Gabrielle loves you back, you know," he said. "She even told Lila once. I'm just glad the two of you figured it out before it was too late. Now come on, we've been out here too long. They're bound to think we've killed each other by now, huh?" He chuckled and patted her on the arm as he led the way back out of the stable, taking Xena's silence as her usual stoic warrior way. "Might as well get back inside before they send out a search party."

Xena chuckled, but only as a reflex. Her mind was still wrapped up in the revelation Herodotus had dropped upon her, trying to puzzle out exactly what he really meant.

Though her puzzling was brought to an end as they returned to the tavern, Xena once again swarmed by others the moment she entered.

"Xena, come this way," Lila laughed, taking the warrior's arm and pulling her further into the tavern, shooing away the crowds so they could reach the table. "Enough, enough," Lila said, pushing Xena into a chair and finally turning towards the crowd, waving her hands, forcing them to quiet. "Come on, leave them alone. It's been a very long day, and they're going to be here all week, alright? Now go! I mean it! Shoo!" Still laughing, Lila quickly waved the excited crowds away, sending them back to their seats or rooms or right out of the tavern entirely, finally gaining some level of quiet for them to sit and talk.

"Father," Gabrielle said, smiling up at the man as he came around to stand behind her, tilting her head back to receive the kiss he placed on her forehead. "Are you going to join us? Cyrene just ran back to get us all some food."

"No, no," Herodotus said, shaking his head. "I know your mother's out there somewhere, fretting over flowers- I'm going to go find her before it gets too late in the day and she has to walk home alone. You girls enjoy, alright?" When they all nodded in confirmation, he smiled and headed on out, patting Xena on the shoulder again as he passed.

"I take it the talk went well," Lila asked, sliding into the chair on the other side of Gabrielle, her chin coming to rest in the palms of her hands. "Mother was so worried you would kill him, or he would try to kill you, and everything would be absolutely ruined. I'm just glad it's not."

"No, no," Xena said, shaking her head. "I would never try to kill family. At least," she added, raising her hand and shooting Gabrielle a half glare, half smirk, cutting off the reminder the bard had been about to give. "Not when I'm in my right mind."

"I wasn't going to say anything," Gabrielle claimed innocently, though the wiry smile that pulled at the edges of her lips said otherwise. "Though it is always good to keep the furies in your mind. Or out of it, your choice."

"Oh, shush."

Back and forward the two teased each other, poking fun, barely holding back the laughter that would make their words unintelligible. It was a common game they played when it was safe enough for them to relax, one they had done a dozen times over when it was safe enough for them to pick at the past.

They hadn't noticed that they had started to lean towards each other, that they had gotten wrapped up in their own little world, until Lila cleared her throat, reminding them where they were with a wide smile on her face.

"You two are too cute," Lila said, waving her hand when the two of them started to lean away from each other. "No, no, don't mind me," she said quickly, sighing softly as she watched them relax. "I mean it. I'm just glad you two finally found each other."

"What do you mean," Xena asked, glancing around for her mother. She had heard Lila mention that Cyrene had gone to get them all some food, and with everything that had gone on in the fifteen minutes since they had reached town, she was starving. "We haven't lost each other in a long time."

"I think what Lila means is-"

"What I mean," Lila said loudly, interrupting Gabrielle excitedly at the chance to embarrass her sister, "is that Gabrielle's been mooning over you for _years_. In fact," Lila continued, ignoring the glare and blush Gabrielle was throwing her, "I think she fell in love with you the first day you two met. You should read some of the scrolls she sent me. They're _explicit_ with details about exactly how she feels," Lila finished with a toothy grin, glancing over at Gabrielle, who had buried her face in her arms on the table. "She's been in love with you for a long time, Xena," Lila added, softer this time, reaching over to take Gabrielle's hand soothingly in her own. "I'm just glad she told you before it was too late, is all. Though, since you're getting married, I guess you already know all about it."

"Here comes Cyrene," Lila said after a bit into the silence, looking between her blushing, hiding sister and the amused warrior. "I'll go help her with the food." Quickly pushing herself to her feet, Lila slid out from behind the table and wandered off towards the kitchen, where a glimpse of Cyrene putting together their plates could be seen through the little window.

"Been mooning after me for years, have you," Xena teased as she bent over, her voice low and her mouth close to Gabrielle's ear. "Wish I had known that before we were engaged. I might have proposed sooner."

"You are digging yourself a grave, warrior, mistaking hero worship and friendship for something it's not," Gabrielle warned, lifting her head to glare at Xena. A watery glare, Xena noticed, Gabrielle's face not just red from a blush- the skin around her eyes had reddened as well, and while it wasn't obvious, there was a slight tremor in Gabrielle's voice. "Watch it."

Her own throat tightening at the sight of Gabrielle's barely concealed distress, Xena swallowed hard before reaching out for the bard, soothingly rubbing her back as she leaned in once again, pressing her forehead to Gabrielle's as she whispered.

"Gabrielle, I-"

"She meant as a friend, you know," Gabrielle quickly said, pulling away so she could sit up properly on her own. "Lila. She meant I've been in love with you as a friend for a very long time. Or, at least, that's how I wrote my scrolls. I have no clue where she got everything else from, because it certainly wasn't me."

And with that Gabrielle was fine once again, her blush gone, her eyes wide and shining as she looked up and smiled at Xena. If it wasn't for the still red tinge around her eyes, Xena might have thought she had imagined it all.

Perhaps she had. Perhaps Gabrielle was more embarrassed not at the words her sister spoke, but at the misunderstanding Lila thought was true. Perhaps Herodotus had misunderstood the same way- Gabrielle loved her as just a friend. _Just_ as a friend.

And just like it always did when Xena was reminded of her status in Gabrielle's life- the position of best friend, nothing more- her heart began to hurt. A familiar feeling, she quickly pushed it away as Cyrene and Lila returned, plates piled high with food and a mug of ale for them all.

"So," Cyrene said pleasantly, placing the food and drink before the girls, settling into her own seat at the table when they were all served. "What have you two been up to lately? Fight any good warlords?"

The last of the tension was gone as Gabrielle slid into her element, jumping right into their latest adventure. Xena herself allowed the story and company to distract her, a bit of the peace she normally felt at home settled over it. It seemed as if things would finally start to calm down for a little bit. People were leaving them alone, their stomachs were finally getting filled, and with the other two women enthralled by the tale, they could drop the act and be normal.

At least until Gabrielle's face went pale and she stuttered over her words, her fork falling from her fingers as she stared, flabbergasted, at the young man who had come up behind Cyrene.

"Gabrielle," the young man said, giving her a sad, small smile. "It's good to see you again."

"Alfio…"

When it became clear neither Gabrielle nor Lila were able to do introductions- for Lila had gone just as pale as her sister- Xena pushed herself to her feet and held out her hand, nodding politely at the young man as she introduced herself.

"Xena."

"I know who you are," Alfio said, nodding at her, hesitantly taking the offered greeting. "You're Gabrielle's fiancée. It's good to finally meet you, after hearing so much. I've read many of Gabrielle's scrolls, and heard the rest from wandering bards. It's nice to put a face to the name. Your reputation proceeds you."

"I'm sure much of what you've heard is an exaggeration," Xena said with a smile, giving his hand a gentle but firm shake. "Gabrielle said your name was Alfio. You are…?"

"Perdicas' brother."

"Oh."

None of them said anything for a long while, Xena's hand falling to her side as she took him the man before her. He looked like him, a little bit. Same nose, same jaw, but Alfio was fairer and more slender then his brother. Though whether or not it was natural, Xena couldn't quite be sure. He looked as if he had been sick for a long while, and held himself as if he was used to taking up more space than he was. His shirt hung loosely from his shoulders, his pants were held up by a leather belt cinched tightly around his waist, and just everything about him looked too big and too small all at once.

He had a sadness about him Xena recognized, one she had seen far too many times during her warlord days- the sadness of loss, and Xena knew exactly who he was still mourning, even after all this time.

"Alfio, I…"

"Please, Xena, whatever you're about to say, don't," Alfio said, taking a step back, giving the warrior a warm, almost pleasant smile. "There's nothing that really needs to be said. Honestly. I do not blame you, only the hand that wielded the sword." He turned to look at Gabrielle. "It's clear that my presence has brought you nothing but distraught," he said regretfully, "but Gabrielle, I had to come." Reaching out to take her hand, Alfio smiled as he knelt before her, her one hand cupped between both of his as he talked. "Even though you and my brother were only together for a short while, I have always thought of you as a sister. Ever since we were children, and you taught me how to swim in the pond. Remember that?"

"You were hopeless until we made you that wooden board to hang onto," Gabrielle said with a watery laugh, her free hand coming up to cup his cheek. "It wasn't until that puppy fell in and almost drowned that you finally went in without it."

"Lil' Fifo still won't get into anything deeper than a puddle," Alfio said, "but because of you I was able to save him. And you have always been very near and dear to my heart ever since. Which is why I had to come. Gabrielle," Alfio said slowly, turning so he could look up at Xena while still speaking at her. "I had always hoped, in every one of my prayers to the gods, that my siblings, even the ones who were not my blood but who I claimed none-the-less through experience, would find happiness. If it was within our village, then I was just grateful to have them near. But if it was out in the world, well, I was just glad that happiness was found at all. And you have been first in my prayers for many years." Reaching out to take Xena's hand, Alfio smiled up at her- a warm, genuine smile that just made the guilt sinking into Xena's stomach that much heavier. "I am overjoyed that you have finally found that happiness. I hope it lasts a long time for you both, and that you have many happy years together."

"Thank you," Gabrielle croaked out , standing with him to pull him into a tight hug. "That means so much to me, Alfio."

"It's what I, and he, would have wanted." Pulling back to kiss her on the cheek, Alfio let go of Gabrielle and reached out to shake Xena's hand once more, nodding up at her. "I'm sorry to interrupt and run, but it was never my intention to stay. I hear the wedding's going to be beautiful, though. I hope you both enjoy."

What that he was gone, leaving the four of them to their meals.

Meals half of them didn't finish, for shortly after Alfio disappeared, Gabrielle claimed exhaustion from travel, giving Xena that look of hers that begged 'get me out of here.'

"I'm sorry Mom, Lila," Xena said, pushing her plate off to the side and pretending to yawn, stretching out her back. Groaning softly as her spine cracked, Xena yawned once again, this time for real. "We've been traveling a lot lately, and we're really tried. And we still need to go take care of Argo before settling in. Shall we continue this tomorrow?"

"Of course," Cyrene said, waving her off. "I kept your room open for the two of you, and I'll get a bath brought up in a bit, alright? Go take care of Argo and rest."

"We'll see you in the morning, bright and early."

With Lila's send off the two women left, quickly sliding their way through the crowded tavern to end up, once again, in the stables. Argo met them gladly, nuzzling into Gabrielle's hands as Xena removed the tack and saddle and started brushing her.

"Do you still think we're doing the right thing?"

"Going along with the wedding so Mom saves face and everyone else is happy," Xena clarified, working the brush along Argo's flank, cleaning every speck of dirt she could find from the mare. When Gabrielle nodded, Xena sighed and shrugged. "I honestly don't know. Everyone's going to end up happy, but…"

"It feels like we're lying," Gabrielle said, sighing, running her hand under Argo's chin to check a scratch she had earned a few days ago, when a lucky thief's sword had caught Argo on the neck during a fight. 'Lucky' being a relative word, since he quickly found his weapon through his own neck, curtesy of an enraged Warrior Princess. Though he died being the only person to ever actually harm the mare. "The entire time Alfio was talking… I feel like a horrible person for letting him be so happy for me. Does that make sense?"

"It does," Xena said, coming up to stand next to Gabrielle to check Argo herself. Seeming satisfied with the wound's progress, Xena placed her hand on Gabrielle's shoulder, pulling her into a hug. "It does, but it seems like this might just confirm, in some weird way, that what we're doing is right. They never have to know it's all an act, and the moment we're able to leave, we can go over three towns and get the marriage annulled without anyone the wiser. For the week we have to pretend, for the amount of happiness and peace of mind it'll give everyone?"

"It does seem worth it," Gabrielle said with a sigh, wrapping her arms around Xena's waist, nuzzling into her shoulder. After a few minutes she began to relax, her eyes sliding shut, a small smile appearing as the two women stood there, just holding onto each other. "Dad really didn't bother you too much, did he?"

"Not at all," Xena said. "He actually told me he was glad we were getting married."

That woke Gabrielle up. "Really," she asked, straightening up and turning in Xena's arms so they were facing each other instead of standing side by side. "That's surprising. I thought he hated you."

"I did too," Xena chuckled. "Though he said that you were in love with me," she added teasingly, winking as Gabrielle rolled her eyes. "So he was just glad that we were together. Much like Lila was saying earlier."

"I told you, Xena," Gabrielle said, lightly smacking the warrior on the arm, "she just misunderstood what I meant. He must have as well. Please, you're my best friend. Of course I love you."

"Yeah," Xena agreed softly, letting the bard go and stepping back, bending down to gather together the saddlebags they would need in their room. "Of course."

"Well, come on," Gabrielle said, yawning herself. "That bath your mother mentioned sounds amazing right now. Though I'm also ready to go right to bed, to be honest. We have been busy lately."

"Yeah we have," Xena agreed, following after the bard, back into the tavern. She too was ready for a bath and bed, just ready for this entire day to be over. It had been one thing right after the other since they had arrived in Amphipolis just a few hours ago, and while Xena was more than prepared to spend an entire day fighting, she could barely make it through one full length emotional discussion on a normal day. And today she had been through more than she could count. She was ready to sleep.

The tavern goers, however, had something else in mind.

"There they are," one overly drunk man called out as they walked back into the tavern, ale spilling from his mug as he stood, stumbling over his chair. "The two beautiful brides. I remember when Xena was this high," he laughed, his words slurring as he lowered his hand to his hip, "and she's grown up to be just as beautiful as her mother! And she found a beautiful girl to get hitched to too. Such a lovely girl, this Gabs. Cyrene," he yelled, turning towards the woman, "you have the most beautiful daughter, and will soon have the most beautiful daughter-in-law as well. Now, girls," the drunk said, turning back to them, "how about a kiss? Between the two of you, go ahead. Kiss!"

It was a call quickly taken up throughout the rest of the tavern, from the drunkest of drunks to the entirely sober waitresses, all of them smiling widely as Xena and Gabrielle stood there, staring at them, caught off guard by the request. Turning, trying to keep her pounding heart in her chest instead of her throat, Xena looked at Gabrielle and shrugged, silently asking if she was up for it.

Gabrielle just reached up and pulled Xena down to her level, pressing their lips together in a single, simple kiss that had the tavern roaring.

Not that Xena knew, since a roaring in her own ears drowned it out.

It only lasted a moment, a quick kiss that, from anyone else, would have meant nothing. But when Gabrielle began to pull away, Xena found herself following, reluctant to break the contact, a soft sigh escaping unbidden from her. Opening the eyes she didn't realize she had closed, Xena found herself face to face with the smirking bard, the girl biting her bottom lip to keep from laughing.

"That's for the teasing."

"Oh you minx," Xena muttered under her breath as she turned and nodded at the still cheering tavern, following after the cheeky bard as she made her way up to the second story. Gabrielle practically pranced into the room Cyrene had set up for them, holding the door open for Xena and grinning widely.

"Yes," Gabrielle said teasingly, having caught Xena's words. "I am." Winking and sticking out her tongue, Gabrielle turned away and walked over to the bed, flopping down and stretching out as she waited for Cyrene to have the bath brought up.

Xena just rolled her eyes and threw a saddlebag after her, running her finally free hand through her hair.

The next week was going to be a trial, she knew that well. She just hoped she could survive it without killing anyone- or giving herself away.


	4. Wedding Planning and Damn This Got Gay

**AN 1** : The full title is 'Wedding Planning and Damn This Got Gay.'

 **AN 2** : And here is chapter 4! :D I had so much fun writing this, and in case you can't guess from the chapter title, this is, in fact, one of the gayest chapters so far. You will see why soon enough. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Xena.

* * *

The first couple of days weren't bad. They really weren't. At least, that was what Xena kept telling herself, over and over and over again.

The fact of the matter was that, at any given time, she was moments away from pulling out her sword and going on a rampage, ending the town she had sworn to protect. And she doubted anyone sane would have been able to blame her, if they heard the whole story.

There was always someone important to talk to (someone who, inevitably, brought up her past in great detail, reminding her of just how much further she had to go on this path to redemption). It didn't matter where she was- in the stables with Argo, in the kitchen with her mother, even in the tavern baths, people found her. Used as she was to the near silence- except for Gabrielle's almost constant chatter, but that had become part of the silence, in a way- the sheer number of them grated on her nerves.

And she had to be nice. She couldn't ignore anyone, couldn't tell them off, had to sit there and smile prettily while they tried to talk her to death. Gabrielle had specifically asked her to do so, and even on a normal day, when they were nothing more than friends, Xena did her best to avoid upsetting the bard. Pretending to be a couple, it was clear she was whipped.

Though, the praise Gabrielle's old school teacher had heaped upon the younger woman for finding 'such a well-mannered woman to marry' had caused a smile Xena would give one of her good chewing teeth to see again. So she was polite and interested in the conversations, all the while silently begging for a stupid warlord to show up so she could have some fun.

But it wasn't even the people who were driving her almost as mad as the furies. It was the fact that, despite the amount of planning Cyrene, Hecuba, and Lila had done over the last month and a half, there still always seemed more to do.

She had gotten up early the morning after their arrival in Amphipolis, a game plan firmly in mind. She was going to take Argo for a good ride into the fields around town, clear her head, and get back before Gabrielle woke up. Once she had taken care of the mare, she was going to get breakfast for herself and the bard, lock them both their room, and spend the day both resting and getting their story straight. Xena had been sure people would start asking questions about their relationship- how they first got together, how Xena proposed, things like that- and if they were constantly contradicting each other, they were going to blow their cover.

That was not what happened. Somehow, even though she woke up before dawn, Hecuba and Cyrene had been waiting for her in the tavern's main room, chatting over a breakfast they had obviously finished long ago. When Xena had finished descending the stairs, Cyrene had quickly pushed herself to her feet and intercepted her, grasping Xena hard around her wrist and tugging her towards the door.

"Come on, come on! There's so much to do! Hecuba, you've got Gabrielle, right?"

"Right, Cyrene," Hecuba replied, giving a quick nod. "If she doesn't wake up on her own soon, I'll be sure to do it myself. But get going- we've got too much to do to dawdle."

Before Xena could really protest, Cyrene dragged her from the tavern, into the first day of Tartarus.

From the tavern they ended up at the seamstress', where she poked and prodded and made comments on Xena's form, all in the name of measuring her for a new dress (Xena had suggested she just get married in her leathers, and in that moment she had feared for both her mother's and the old shop owner's life. The two women had looked like they were about to have a heart attack, and it was only when the seamstress' had said, in a shaky voice that sounded like she was about to croak any day now, that she would die before she let a bride get married in her traveling gear that Xena had quieted and let the torture begin).

From the seamstress' they went to the Temple of Hera, where, for far longer than Xena would have liked, the priest insisted on joining them as they examined the hall where the wedding was to take place. If he had been silent, like many of the priests were unless directly spoken to, it would have been fine. A bit unnerving, since she didn't like being followed by quiet strangers, but she could have stood it. Instead, he spent the entire time she and Cyrene were there, jabbering on and on, talking about Hera and marriage and a dozen other topics she didn't care about. And every time he started a new sentence, which was often with the amount he had been talking, it sounded like he was about to jump into song, only to abandon the idea at the last moment.

She was almost glad when Cyrene dragged her to the bakery because it meant being free from that sound. Though that relief was short lived soon after they got there- the moment she sat down, the baker shoved sweet after sweet before her, insisting she eat at least a bite of each one to find the one she liked the most. "For the reception, darling," the old man who owned the bakery had stated, practically shoving a piece of glazed bread into her mouth. "Your girl and her mother were in here earlier, and once the two of you have figured out what you both like, we can get started on making enough for all the guests!"

Xena almost had to lean on Cyrene by the time they were done there, her stomach protesting the unusual amount of sugar that had been forced down her throat. She kept it all in, just barely, but she was almost glad to be taken back to the seamstress' so the woman could get measurements of her waist after she had eaten, to add in whatever extra fabric was needed.

It was constant movement, constant interactions with people who wanted her opinion on things she didn't even care about, and then half of them would come back a few minutes after she had given it to say it directly conflicted with Gabrielle's, who had been in earlier. From shop to store to market stall, she and Cyrene ran, all while continuing to happily accept the well-wishes of well-wishers.

Xena never prayed so hard in her life for something, anything, to cause a bit of trouble so she could slink away and fix it, earning just a few minutes by herself to breathe. But no such luck, and when she and Cyrene finally made it back to the tavern that night, Xena had barely had enough strength to say good night before practically crawling the stairs to her room. She had been exhausted, both physically and mentally, and it had only been Gabrielle, already deeply asleep in their bed, despite it being still early, that had kept her from screaming the moment the door closed.

Riding herself of her leathers and climbing into bed next to the warm bard was the highlight of her day, and it just continued on into the next.

At least the next day they were kept together, Xena and Gabrielle drawing strength from each other as they faced what their mothers threw at them. They discussed the sweets they were forced to eat once again (this time, it was Xena's heart that rebelled, the organ thundering in her ears as the overload of sugar took over. Or maybe it was because of the fact that Gabrielle spent their entire time in the bakery hand feeding her, a strange little smile crossing her face whenever the tips of her fingers brushed ever so lightly against Xena's lips. Which was every time a new choice was brought out). They spent hours arguing over flower arrangements, sorting through the half dozen designs Cyrene and Hecuba had come up with to come to a final decision. They both suffered another measuring for their gowns, having to talk through a curtain the entire time since, according to Hera's tradition, neither could see the other in their dresses until the actual wedding.

"Just go with it, Xena," Gabrielle had said, rolling her eyes at Xena's pout at being forced to wait in the main room. "We don't need another goddess after our skins, so just wait."

Even together, helping each other through the annoyances of wedding planning, they were still, again, beyond tired when they returned to the tavern, both of them wanting nothing more than to eat some real food and go to sleep.

Fate had a different story in mind for them though, for the moment they sat down, a group of children- who had been clearly waiting for them, since they appeared out of nowhere the second they were seated- surrounded their table, begging for a story.

"Only if you feel up to it, Gabrielle," Xena said, her hand coming to rest at the base of Gabrielle's neck, gently massaging the tense muscles she knew she would find there. Smirking as Gabrielle let out a pleased sigh, it was a few long moments before the bard responded, her eyes opening to stare at the children with a smile. Shifting closer to Xena on the bench, almost putting her in her lap, Gabrielle waved towards the free spaces around them, almost laughing as the children scrambled to fill them.

"I'm up for a short story," Gabrielle said, leaning against Xena for support- even her voice sounded exhausted, though her eagerness to please overrode everything else. "Is there a specific one you want to hear?"

"How did you and Xena fall in love?" It was a little girl who spoke up, her eyes wide and hopeful and excited for the tale. When all of the other children murmured in agreement, Gabrielle just glanced up at Xena, worrying her lip as she thought.

"Well," Gabrielle said slowly, turning back to meet the excited gazes before her, her mind racing as she tried to pick out the perfect story for her lie. "I can't speak for Xena, but I can tell you about the first time I realized I was in love with her. Would that be ok?" When the children nodded, all of them eager to hear the tale, Gabrielle launched into the story, a surge of energy racing through her as she spoke. "Well, it all began about a year and a half after Xena and I started traveling together. Xena had been badly injured in a battle…"

Xena sighed as she leaned back against the wall behind her, her eyes sliding shut as she listened to Gabrielle's story. That had been the first time she had died, only coming back to life through sheer willpower and possessing Autolycus to get the ambrosia. Not a fun experience for either of them. She and Autolycus had been forced to have a good heart-to-heart about what they had learned about each other, something neither of them had relished. It had taken Gabrielle weeks to be able to sleep without nightmares about losing her, and dying hadn't exactly been pleasant. She had been expecting it to be a bit like the stories- as the end drew closer, the pain would start to fade, leaving only a simple numbness that would let her pass peacefully. Not the case. The pain had remained steady, draining her, barely leaving her enough strength to give her last request to the healer and Gabrielle.

Her physical death had been painful, but hearing Gabrielle's thoughts in Tartarus, mourning her loss, had been even more so. She hadn't been able to bear it, and so had come back.

And kissed her while in Autolycus' body, but when Gabrielle had brought it up a few days after her return, Xena had just brushed it off as excitement at seeing her again.

"And when she pushed herself out of the coffin," Gabrielle said, fighting back a yawn as she finished the tale, "I just knew." She turned her head and smiled warmly at Xena, shifting so she was settled into Xena's side. She rested her head on Xena's shoulder as Xena's arm wrapped around her, drawing her close. "I knew she was my destiny," Gabrielle added, "and I knew I was in love with her."

"Now go on," Xena said, waving her free hand, opening one eye to watch the children before her. "You had your story. Go home- it's time for us adults to go to bed."

"What about you, Xena? When did you know you were in love with Gabrielle?"

Xena opened both eyes to examine the little girl who had spoken up, the same one who had requested Gabrielle's story to begin with. Large blue eyes, thick blonde curls- dressed in her little pink dress, she almost reminded Xena of Aphrodite.

At least this version was cuter.

"I don't know," Xena said honestly, reclosing her eyes. "I was willing to risk my life for hers three weeks after we first met. I knew she was the most important person in my life when she almost left me to go to Athens' Academy for Bards. And when I almost lost her in the war between the Mitoans and the Thessalians? I was prepared to fight Hades himself if it meant I could have her back. She's my light and my love. Besides," she added, cracking one eye and shooting the children a smirk, "I've never been good with dates."

"You were really going to fight Hades for me," Gabrielle asked softly after the children had run off, Xena's short explanation satisfying their desire for another tale.

Xena didn't respond. Instead she just turned her head and pressed a kiss to Gabrielle's temple, just holding her close. When she finally did speak, her voice was almost shaking, though Xena kept it under control. "You are my light, Gabrielle. I couldn't bear to lose you. If that meant fighting Hades himself, then I would have done it to get you back."

The two of them lapsed into silence, just enjoying the peace and quiet of each other's company. It wasn't until Cyrene came out with food for them that they reluctantly pulled apart, though they still stayed close as they ate.

"You two look dead on your feet," Cyrene said with a small laugh. "You should go to bed- we have just as busy of a day tomorrow as we did today, and it'll all probably have to bleed over into the day after as well. So go to sleep, and sleep well."

And Cyrene was right, on both counts. The two had barely fallen into bed when their mothers were at their sides, once again forcing them to their feet to deal with planning the wedding neither of them wanted but were going to end up with. At least Hecuba still had no idea what was really going on, though Xena suspected that Cyrene was taking extra glee in the torture because Gabrielle's mother couldn't.

It was finally, as their third day in Amphipolis ended and the fourth began, that Xena decided enough was enough.

"Gabrielle," Xena said softly, gently shaking her awake. When Gabrielle just moaned and tried to bury her face into the pillow, Xena stole it, leaving Gabrielle's head to fall to the mattress with a small _thump._

"Xena," Gabrielle said stiffly, her words muffled by the cloth. "I have been poked and prodded and stabbed in placed I should never be stabbed by a needle. I have gained a healthy distain for ivy, and the color white, and everything else having to do with weddings. I haven't slept until my normal wake up time since we arrived. So there had better be a good reason for you waking me up this early."

"Get up and come with me. We're getting out of here."

"Xena, we can't," Gabrielle said, suddenly fully awake, scrambling out of bed to grab the warrior as she collected their saddlebags, half repacking them. "Xena, we promised Cyrene we would go through with this. And if we left now everyone would be so upset, and I'd never be able to look my parents or Lila in the eyes again, and-"

"We're not leaving for good," Xena cut in, placing a finger on Gabrielle's lips to stop the bard in her rant. "Just for the day, I promise. If we leave now," she continued, moving away so she could continue to collect their things, "then we'll get to where I want to go before dawn. That's the best time to be there. And then we can spend the day there, and coming back tonight. Just you, me, and Argo before we come back to the craziness that's our wedding."

"It still feels weird to hear you say that," Gabrielle admitted, though she pulled on her shoes, suddenly eager to be out of the room. "'Our wedding.' As if we really had any choice in all of this."

"At least they're letting us chose the reception treat," Xena joked, smiling brightly. "Now come on. I've got a horse waiting for us out back."

Gabrielle smiled back and took her hand, letting the warrior lead her out into the darkness.

Just like Xena said, it was still dark when they reached their destination. At first it looked like nothing- just a sheer cliff wall rising from the forest, the rocky outside covered in vines and moss. However, Gabrielle's mind was quickly changed as Xena slid to the ground right before a hanging of vines and walked right towards them, disappearing into the stone.

"My brothers and I found this when we were kids," Xena said, popping back out to help Gabrielle down from Argo's back. Taking her hand firmly in her own, Xena began to lead the way, using her touch and her memories of the tunnel to lead them. "Toris thinks it might have been a mine that was abandoned during a war a few hundred years ago. All the miners were called away to fight, and just no new ones came back to continue working it. Watch your head."

Gabrielle ducked as they passed under a row of stalactites, the ends of the stones just brushing against the tip of her head, sending a stream of cold water down her spine. Shuddering, Gabrielle wiped as much of it off as she could when they could stand again, her face scrunching up as the water soaked into her back. "Xena, I'm getting wet."

"Don't worry, what we're about to see is worth it."

It didn't take much longer for the path to begin angling upwards, Xena having to help Gabrielle over some unseen bumps and around some jagged edges, the entire time while in darkness. It was almost unnerving- Gabrielle kept seeing these little flashes of light, sources she knew didn't exist this deep underground, but still they kept appearing, stealing her attention.

"Lyceus used to call them 'phantoms,'" Xena said when she felt Gabrielle start, guessing the reason behind it. "They don't exist- this long without light, and your mind starts playing tricks on you because you want to see something. Just close your eyes and ignore them. We're almost there."

Xena's promise held true- within a few more minutes they had come to a halt. It was still dark, but Gabrielle could feel a strong breeze caressing her face, meaning they were close to an opening.

"Keep your eyes closed, ok," Xena said, gently untangling their hands, "and stay still. I need to get some things done."

She didn't get a chance to respond before Xena pulled away, leaving the bard standing alone in the cave. She didn't go far though- the entire time Gabrielle could hear her, muttering to herself under her breathe about plant growth and angles. The slight _swish_ of her sword through said plants also reached the bard, though still she couldn't figure out what the woman was doing.

It didn't take Xena long to finish whatever she was planning, quickly returning to Gabrielle's side and taking her by the shoulders, leading her a few steps off to the side, until the breeze was stronger.

"You can go ahead and look. Dawn is in just a few minutes- you don't want to miss this."

Opening her eyes, Gabrielle squinted into the darkness, trying to find some hint at whatever they were waiting for. In the darkness, she couldn't tell, though she didn't need to wait long.

"Oh, Xena. It's beautiful."

As the sun rose, the first rays shot straight towards them, passing through holes in the walls of the tunnel to hit their faces. Someone, probably Xena and her brothers, had places bits and pieces of crystal and glass into most of the holes, angled perfectly to catch the light, reflecting it onto the walls and the floor. Each piece created a perfect rainbow to light up the cavern, the lines crossing and over lapping until almost every space was covered in color.

Including the two women who stood there, watching the dancing streams as the sun continued to rise.

"The three of us spent weeks coming here at sunrise to get this set up," Xena explained, her voice soft as she took in the sight- it really was beautiful, though her gaze kept being drawn back towards Gabrielle, watching her reaction as the room continued to glow. "It doesn't always work, but when it does? It's breathtaking."

"Yes, it is." Only Gabrielle wasn't looking at the room around her when she spoke- she had already turned her head to look up at Xena, meeting and holding the warrior's gaze. Xena might have imagined it, but in the shifting light, it almost looked as if Gabrielle had glanced down at her lips before returning to her eyes, an unsettling look of guilt and nerves appearing in her glance.

Xena couldn't help herself. Reaching out, her hand gently lifting Gabrielle's face higher, Xena pressed a quick, gentle kiss onto her lips- not because she had to, to settle a room of drunkards, not because she was coming back life and wanted to celebrate their reunion, not for any of the other dozens of reasons Xena had used to kiss her best friend over the years. She did it because she wanted to.

If she had to lie after, claim it was a friendly gesture, nothing more, she would to keep their friendship intact. But Xena was tired of lying, to herself and to everyone else, and she wanted to kiss Gabrielle. Being selfish, ignoring all the risks, she did.

And Gabrielle kissed her back, her hands sliding up, one to rest on Xena's shoulder while the other circled around her neck, making it hard for Xena to pull away if she ever wanted to. Which she didn't, her free hand moving to Gabrielle's waist to pull her closer, the kiss becoming deeper, more insistent, neither willing to be the first to break the contact. Even when they had to, their breathing short and almost panicked as they tried to catch up with their lung's needs, they still stayed close, peppering each other's faces with quick pecks, clinging to the other as tightly as they could.

"So," Xena finally said when they had both calmed down, her hand moving from Gabrielle's chin to run through her hair, Xena's fingers playing with the soft locks as she smiled down at the bard. The bard she had been in love with for so long, who she had just kissed. Who had just kissed her back. "You only love me as a friend, huh?"

Seeing the teasing smirk, Gabrielle couldn't decide if she wanted to laugh, punch her, or kiss her again, all three activities extremely appealing to her at the moment. So all three she did, chuckling softly to herself before using the hand that rested on Xena's shoulder to smack her arm, the warrior actually starting at the impact. When she opened her mouth- to complain, to tease her again, whatever, Gabrielle neither knew nor cared- Gabrielle cut her off, using her hold on the back of Xena's neck to pull her back down into another kiss.

Whatever Xena had been about to say was lost, as was the rest of the rainbow coloring as the two kissed through the sunrise.

Not that either minded. Not one bit.

* * *

 **AN 3** : First kisses in rainbow caverns. See, I told you it got gay.


	5. Kiss Kiss Talk About Your Real Feelings

**AN** : Good morning everyone! I hope you all are having a fantastic day! I know I am. So, I just wanted to warn you a couple of chapters ahead of time, some angst and drama is coming your way. I normally wouldn't tell you, but seeing as how us sapphic ladies have had a very hard time this year in the media, and I know I personally have been avoiding stories that have an unhappy ending for wlw, I figured I would give you a heads up so you could decide whether or not you wanted to continue reading and a reassurance. Apple Proposal, at its core, is a romantic comedy. So while in a couple of chapters there is going to be some angst and drama, I promise, it will end happily.

Now that that is out of the way, I hope you all enjoy a super cute, fluffy chapter 5! :D

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Xena.

* * *

"We really have to talk about this."

Xena knew Gabrielle was right. There was so much they had to discuss- what their true feelings for each other were, what they were going to do about the mess back home, how this new shift in their relationship was going to affect their jobs out on the roads; just a lot of words that needed to be said and heard and discussed. But as right as Gabrielle was, Xena didn't _want_ to. She was enjoying their current activities very much, and in no way wanted them to stop.

So instead she just leaned over and kissed Gabrielle again. And sure enough Gabrielle kissed her back, ensuring a very pleasant distraction for the next couple of minutes, putting off everything they had to talk about in lieu of enjoying the soft grass, warm sun, and food Xena had packed for them.

After they had finally ended their first kiss, the sun having long since risen and the rainbows gone, Xena had led the two of them back down, out into the woods to where they had left Argo. Unloading her of her burden, Xena had sent the horse off before leading Gabrielle off to the side, to show her a set of stairs that had been carved into the stone. Carefully hidden, the stairs were invisible unless you were looking right at them. The trip up them had been a little bit terrifying. At times it had seemed as if she were walking on air, despite the solid stone beneath her feet, but soon enough and without incident they found themselves on top of the cliff, overlooking the valley below and completely alone.

Alone to talk and eat and kiss, though so far they had only done the latter, neither wanting that particular activity to end.

"Xena, I mean it," Gabrielle said with a growl, finally pushing Xena away and moving a few feet to the side, though it was clear she was reluctant to do so. "We have to talk."

"Can we at least talk over breakfast," Xena asked, leaning over and rummaging through the pack. "We should keep our mouths busy, since you don't want them working together anymore." Her words and tone were teasing as she pulled out the food she had brought, placing the spread- meat, fruit, bread, boiled eggs, and a couple of full water skins- on top of the other bags so it would be off the ground. Mostly ignoring the warrior, Gabrielle moved back next to Xena, eagerly taking one of the boiled eggs and beginning to peel it.

"Yeah, yeah," Gabrielle said, throwing bits of shell off to the side. "Keep it up and that'll be the last kiss you get until the wedding."

"You mean the wedding in three day?"

And with that the playful mood was gone, an awkward silence falling over them as they ate.

"It was one thing," Gabrielle said as she reached for her second egg, pressing it between her hands to get the cracks started, "when getting married to you was a ruse. I could pretend that we were actors in a play, and once the wedding was over, we could drop the acts. It was nice, not having to watch my every word and move to make sure how I felt about you didn't become obvious, all under the guide of a part. But now…"

"Now it's actually real," Xena filled in, pulling apart her meat with her fingertips, shredding it finely onto the piece of paper she had wrapped it in this morning. "Though," she added slowly, "it doesn't have to be if we don't want it." When Gabrielle looked over at her, Xena shrugged, refusing to look up from her food. "We go through with the wedding to keep everyone happy and, like we agreed, we go get the marriage absolved in the next Temple of Hera. Or, better yet, we just don't do it. We'll apologize to everyone, tell them that something came up to keep us from getting married, take the full blame, and then we just go. Mom saves face, and we have time to figure out what this," she said, motioning between the two of them, "actually is."

"It might be for the best if we do that." Gabrielle's voice was soft as she spoke. And with that, Xena's heart began to sink, though she couldn't help but berate herself for it doing so. While they had been together for a long time, they had just gotten _together_ \- to expect that Gabrielle wanted to really go through with the wedding now was both unrealistic and perhaps a bit cruel.

"Mom and everyone one else will be upset," Xena said, "and we'll still need to get a priest of Hera to annul the engagement. But don't worry, we can get it all taken care of when we get back to town. Leave it to-"

"I said it might be for the best if we do, Xena," Gabrielle spoke up, catching her attention. Looking up from her food, Gabrielle gave a small smile, shrugging slightly as she continued. "I never said I actually wanted to. Call me crazy," she said with a laugh, "but I've been in love with you for so long, and we've been together for so long, it almost feels like we're already married. Making it official would just seem…"

"Right," Xena offered.

"Right."

And with that Xena began to laugh, a low chuckle that caught Gabrielle's attention, the young woman crossing her arms with a pout as she did.

"What's so funny?"

"Just the fact that we must have the shortest courtship in the history of love," Xena said, leaning over to place a kiss on Gabrielle's cheek. Glancing up at the sun, she quickly did some calculations, nodding as she spoke. "Twenty minute courtship, and we're already heading towards a mostly planned wedding. Not how I would have imagined this really going," Xena said with a small sigh, "but it seems kind of….'us.'"

"Xena… Xena, I'm scared."

Gabrielle didn't need to explain- her last marriage, also one she had jumped into, though for all the wrong reasons, had ended abruptly and bloodily, making her a widow before she had been married for a full day. While she had come to terms with her role in Perdicas' death, the fear of losing someone she loved just after gaining them still ran deep.

"It'll be okay," Xena promised, taking Gabrielle's hand in her own. "I promise," she said, "right here, right now, that everything will be okay. You're not going to lose me."

"You better keep that promise," Gabrielle said lightly, though she squeezed Xena's hand hard, grateful for the promise, even if both of them knew it wasn't entirely something they could control. If Xena's time came, there would be nothing they could do. But the promise still helped to settle the fear that made her stomach quiver. "I hear it's bad luck to lie to a bride before the wedding. One of Hera's traditions and all."

"Then it's a good thing I'm not lying," Xena said. Picking up another egg, she quickly cracked and peeled it, offering it to Gabrielle with a grin. "For you."

"Why, thank you," Gabrielle said, taking the egg and biting off the top, happily wiggling as she ate. "You know," she said teasingly through a mouth half full of food, "I read somewhere that there's a culture that uses eggs to propose. Propose, predict how many kids the couple will have, things like that. One party offers the egg, the other accepts and eats it. Kind of like apples." Gabrielle winked as she popped the rest of the egg into her mouth, forcing back her laughter as Xena groaned and flopped onto her back, relaxing into the grass.

"I need to stop giving you food," Xena said, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. "How many times have I proposed now? I can't seem to keep track."

"At least once," Gabrielle replied. Leaning so she was bent over Xena, Gabrielle kissed her, long and slowly, just enjoying the feel of their lips pressed together. "And that once," she pointed out as she pulled away, laying down herself so she could rest her head on Xena's shoulder, "is all that really matters."

For the entire day the two of them stayed there, lying in the sun, staring up at the shapes made in the clouds, just enjoying the rare moment of peace. Whether it was on the road or in a town, they always seemed to find trouble. Or, rather, trouble always seemed to find them- it didn't matter which way, but peace was rare for the two of them. They took the opportunity to enjoy it when they could, and today they enjoyed it fully.

They talked about almost everything, from childhood stories that had them almost crying with mirth to plans for the future. They had talked about the future before, in vague terms. Those plans had always included each other, in a general way- they had both just assumed that they would still be friends when they were old and gray. Their plans now, though, seemed more concrete, actually real in a way. Come what may, they were going to have a life together, and in that moment, it was real.

That peace didn't last, though, as much as they wanted it too. It was mid-afternoon when a head popped over the edge of the cliff, its body quickly following from the staircase they had climbed up earlier. Looking around, Toris grinned widely as he found them curled into each other, Xena's head raised to watch him as she continued to talk.

"Then this idiot coming towards us," Xena said, smiling at her brother before she let her head fall back onto the saddlebag she had been using as a pillow, rubbing Gabrielle's arm to bring her out of the half sleep she had fallen into, "well, he decides that the best thing to do is sneak into Mother's room and 'borrow' her good mirror for his reflective shield. It was bigger than I was at the time, but somehow, between the three of us, we managed to get it pulled off the wall and out into the backyard. Where-"

"Where, because you got over excited playing at Medusa, the mirror got knocked out of my hands into the mud." Toris laughed as he flopped onto the ground next to them, his foot reaching out to kick at Xena's boot. "Mom came home just a few minutes later, and found us trying to wipe the mirror off in the kitchen. With her good towels, too, the one she normally only used when someone important was staying or during the holidays. I thought she was going to tan our hides and turn us into leather. But Xena just smiled up at her, and all was forgiven." He laughed again, shaking his head. "There's still bits of mud in the swirls of the holding, and those towels were added to the rag pile."

"We were lucky I was Mom's favorite when we were little," Xena said in a teasing tone, sticking out her tongue at her brother. "I could get us out of almost anything."

"Only because she was a little kissass when she was a kid," Toris shot back. "Gabrielle, don't believe a single thing she says. She was a terror as a child, and only got away with all the shit she pulled because she knew how to bat her eyes and smile."

"Oh, I can believe it," Gabrielle laughed, fully awake and sitting up. Or trying to, because Xena just tightened her grasp on Gabrielle's waist, pulling her back down and cuddling her close.

"No," Xena said, pouting. "Toris, go away. We're too comfortable to move."

"Well, too bad," Toris said, pushing himself to his feet. Walking around, he began to pack up the saddlebags, occasionally tapping Xena's shoes with his own. "Mom's been freaking out since she found you missing. Half of the town thinks the two of you ran out on the wedding, and the other half thinks one of you've been kidnapped, if not worse, and the other's gone to get her. Guests are going to start showing up tomorrow, and if you're not there to greet them, you'll only anger Hera. And I really don't think you need another god mad at you."

"That's what I've been telling her," Gabrielle said, looking up at Toris and returning his smile. "But you know how Xena is," she said, shifting so her head was better resting on Xena's chest. "You tell her something a dozen times, and it's only after the thirteenth that she _might_ begin to listen."

"My distain for the gods only comes from good reason, and you both know it," Xena said, opening one eye to glare at her brother. Toris just came to stand over them; he just looked down and gave them a wiry look.

"A good reason doesn't mean you can go around pissing off every god and goddess you come across, especially when the littlest bit of humility and some following of tradition would keep you on their good sides. Now come on. I've been told I'm not allowed to go home until I've brought both of the brides back, and Mom's making lamb stew for dinner."

"Lamb stew?" With those two words Gabrielle was on her feet, brushing off dirt and grass from her clothes as she smiled up at Toris. Leaving a pouting Xena half sitting up, supporting herself on her forearms. "What are we waiting for, let's go!"

"Are you really going to choose lamb stew over me," Xena asked as she watched Gabrielle help Toris finish cleaning up their little camp site.

"Your mother's cooking is really good," Gabrielle said. When Xena said nothing, Gabrielle turned to look at her- and rolled her eyes at Xena's deepened pout, her 'hurt puppy' look plastered all over her face. "Besides," Gabrielle continued, walking over so she was standing next to Xena, bending down so she could take Xena's face between her hands, "we have the entire rest of our lives for me to choose you over food."

"Rest of our lives, huh," Xena said, smiling softly as Gabrielle closed the distance between them. "I like the sound of that."

It took Toris clearing his throat uncomfortably behind them to remind them that he existed, Gabrielle pulling away with a flush at his reminder. Xena just smirked at her brother and rose, reaching out her hand to grasp his own.

"It's good to see you, Toris. I'm glad you could make it."

"Of course, Xena," Toris replied, giving her hand a squeeze. "I never would have missed this." Waving towards her and Gabrielle, he smiled widely, wrapping his arm around her shoulder as they began to walk to the stairs, the saddlebags tossed over his shoulder. "Though," he added, "it would have been nice if you had let me know ahead of time that you were planning on getting engaged. I would have planned a party for your last night of being a bachelorette. As it is, I don't even know if we really have time for drinks."

"Well," Xena said, laughing to herself, "this was all kind of spur of the moment. It was only a few months ago that I proposed- we weren't expecting to get married for a long while yet. Mom was the one that threw all of this together. You know how she is."

"Yeah, I do," Toris admitted. "She just cares about you, and wants you to be happy."

"Yeah, I know."

"Good. Now let's go home."

It didn't take all of them long to get back to the tavern, the path that Xena, Gabrielle, and Argo had slowly traveled that morning now well lit, allowing them to ride hard to get back. They made it back before dusk, Toris sliding off his horse and handing over the reins to Xena.

"You go take care of the horses. I'll hold off Mom until her temper cools."

Xena nodded in thanks and steered Argo and the stallion towards the stables- which was quickly becoming her second home during this trip. Dismounting, she helped Gabrielle down before getting started on Argo's tack, Gabrielle turning to the stallion Toris had been riding. A comfortable silence fell over them as they worked- neither felt the need to fill the quiet, though there were a dozen ways they could have. Instead they just enjoyed the last of the peace they had.

Tomorrow the guests would be arriving, the day after would begin the ceremonies to ready them for the wedding, and then it was the wedding itself. Three days of who knew what that they still had to make it through.

But then they would be married, and as strange as this entire situation was, both of them were glad it was happening.

"Think we should go in," Gabrielle asked, patting the stallion on the flank to get him to move into his stable. "Your mother's probably calmed down by now."

"We could," Xena said, sending Argo off as well. Walking towards Gabrielle, her voice dropped an octave as she spoke- with each step she took, Gabrielle took one back until her back hit the stable wall, trapping her between the wood and Xena. Not that she seemed bothered by her position. "We could," Xena said again, leaning down as Gabrielle looked up, their lips almost brushing. "But I can think of something else we could be doing instead."

Gabrielle sighed as the distance between them was closed, her lips parting for Xena's tongue when it pressed against them. Wrapping one arm around Xena's neck, tangling her free hand into her hair, she squeaked when Xena pressed harder against her, the wall bracing her back as Xena's armor dug into her front. An annoyance she was more than willing to accept to have the Warrior Princess this close. An annoyance she completely forgot as Xena's hands, which had fallen to her hips, began to move- one to her hair, pulling it back slightly to expose her neck, which Xena quickly took advantage of, pulling away from the kiss to breathe and lightly skim her lips over Gabrielle's pulse. The other found its way to her thigh; just brushing the skin that appearing right below the hem line of her skirt, but it was more than enough for Gabrielle to get the gist of what Xena wanted. Hooking her leg over Xena's hip, it was only a moment's work for Xena to get her hand around Gabrielle's thigh, lifting her so they were eye-level at Xena's height, Gabrielle's legs both wrapping around her waist to help stead her.

"There," Xena said, her voice low and smooth. "Now I won't get a crick in my neck kissing you."

Gabrielle didn't get a chance to respond as Xena kissed her again, her teeth nipping at her bottom lip before fully merging. Tightening her hold with her legs, Gabrielle tangled both hands into her hair, tugging on the locks to pull her impossibly closer, smirking at the low moan that traveled through the warrior at the feel.

"Xena? Gabrielle? Are you tw- oh. Oh my."

"Cyrene," Gabrielle said, her face turning brighter red then the feathers that adorned her Amazon apparel. Relaxing her grip on Xena, the warrior carefully helped her back to her feet before putting some space between them, Xena's own face almost just as crimson. "We were…um, we were just-"

"You were just about to have the honeymoon in my stables," Cyrene said with a laugh, a laugh that only grew as Xena and Gabrielle's blushes deepened. "So what happened to just being friends who were going through with the wedding to keep an old woman from becoming a laughing stock, hum," Cyrene asked when she had calmed herself, looking between the two. "Because if that is your two's idea of just friendship, then we need to have a talk."

"I took Gabrielle up to the tunnels today," Xena explained, though she couldn't meet her mother's gaze. "I showed her the Dawn Cave, and, well… You know I've been in love with her for years," Xena pointed out. "Seeing her there, covered in the rainbows, I just couldn't resist a kiss."

"And I kissed her back," Gabrielle said, reaching out to take Xena's hand. Xena took it, automatically lacing together their fingers and giving it a good squeeze. "We spent the day talking, and, well, we are going to be married soon."

"Yes we are," Xena agreed, her voice dropping again as she turned to look at Gabrielle, her eyes a darker shade of blue than normal. Though she quickly turned away, glancing back at Cyrene, her cheeks gaining another shade as well- if they weren't careful, she was going to match a tomato soon. "I mean-"

"Just stop trying to explain, Xena," Cyrene said, holding up her hand. "You're just digging yourself a deeper grave. But I'm glad," Cyrene said, taking a step forward to pull both women into a hug. "When you disappeared this morning, I thought for sure the two of you had run off. Not that I would have blamed you," she added, pulling back to give them that look of hers to keep them quiet. "I've been feeling guilty about this whole thing. It was my fault, even if you were legally engaged, for trusting someone other than the subject of the rumor. I should have waited on all of this to actually talk to you two. I wouldn't blame you if you did want to go."

"But then this," Xena said, holding up her and Gabrielle's still conjoined hands, "might never have happened, at least not for a long while. So, in a way, we have you to thank. Plus, you are saving us all of the trouble of having to plan the wedding ourselves. So, thank you, Mom."

"Yes, Cyrene," Gabrielle added, jumping onto Xena's mini-speech. "Thank you."

"You should call me Mom, Gabrielle," Cyrene said, pulling the two of them back into a hug, placing a kiss onto Gabrielle's cheek. "Since I'm going to be your Mother-in-Law soon, you might as well."

"Thank you, Mom."

For a few moments the three just stood there, holding onto each other tight. Finally, it was Cyrene who pulled away, wiping at the little bit of moisture that had gathered in her eye.

"Come on," Cyrene said, motioning towards the door. "I don't know what you've eaten today, but we have plenty of lamb stew waiting for you."

Gabrielle was at the door to the stable before the two of them could realize she had moved, calling over her shoulder for them to hurry up and get inside so they could eat.

"She sure is something," Cyrene laughed, joining her arm with her daughters' as they walked. "You were lucky to find her."

"Yeah, she really is. And I really am."


	6. Joxer Spills The Beans

**AN 1** : Full chapter name is 'Joxer Spills the Beans and Xena Spills Them Back.'

 **AN 2** : Ahh, yes, chapter 6. Where we finally get to start introducing some more players into this little game of ours. The next couple of chapters are quite fun, and I'm super excited to post them! You really have no idea how hard it is for me to keep to this little posting schedule of ours. I really just want to drop the entire rest of the fic on you guys and hear what you all say. But, I'll own it, I am a bit of a slut for anticipation, and keeping to twice a week is the best way to build it. Also, this is giving me time to finish a bunch of one shots and get started on the next multi-chapter Xena fic I have planned, so I can't complain too much. Anyway, enough of me rambling. You guys all enjoy chapter six! :D

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Xena.

* * *

Surprisingly, no one came to their room, badgering them to wake up at the crack of dawn. Xena still awoke- her years of training were hard to break, and dawn was as good of a wakeup call as a rooster was. But it was nice. Instead of being pushed out the door, Xena just laid there, drifting in and out of sleep as much as she could, one arm thrown over Gabrielle's back, soaking in the warmth. It wasn't until Gabrielle herself started to stir that Xena fully gained consciousness, rolling so she was fully pressed against the bard. Nuzzling her cheek, Xena smiled as Gabrielle's eyes slide opened, still glazed from sleep.

"Morning," Xena said softly. "Sleep well?"

"For the first time in almost a week, yeah," Gabrielle murmured, shifting so her face was pressed into Xena's neck, her breathe tickling her skin. "Either Mom come in?"

"Not yet," Xena said, sighing as she stroked Gabrielle's hair, gently untangling some of the knots that had formed in their sleep. "Though I wouldn't be surprised if one of them comes to get us soon. By my estimation, it's almost midmorning."

"They did let us sleep late," Gabrielle said in surprise, yawning as she reached up to wipe some of the sleep from her eyes. "What do you think they have in store for us today?"

"Probably everything we didn't get done yesterday," Xena mused. "That and greeting all of the guests who are still arriving. Oh, and I know the seamstress wants to do one last minute fitting, so there's that as well. And honestly? I've never planned a wedding before, and only been to a few. Who knows what's left?"

"If we stay in bed all day," Gabrielle asked, "think they'd forget we were here and we could just sleep? Let them finish everything and just enjoy the wedding when it was done?"

Xena was about to answer when a knock sounded on the door, answering the question for her.

"Xena, Gabrielle, are you two awake?" Opening the door, Lila poked her head in, her hand covering her eyes as she first made her entrance. Peeking through a crack between her fingers, she sighed and smiled as she found them both decent, both women still in their sleeping shifts and covered by the blankets. "Oh, good, you are," she said, smiling widely as she fully entered the room, trotting over and flopping on the edge of the bed. "Mom, my mom, sent me in to get you guys caught up on everything."

Chattering a dozen miles a minute, Lila seemed actually completely unaware of the women she was talking to, instead paying attention to the list of things she had to say. And Xena and Gabrielle were pleasantly surprised, actually- even while most of the town had been freaking out, things had still gotten done. Hecuba, apparently, had never lost faith that the two would be back, and while Cyrene had alternated between wallowing, sending out search parties, and threatening to kill one or both of them the next time she saw them, Hecuba had calmly gone about the day and finished the last few things on the list.

Hecuba herself, as she had told Gabrielle many times when Gabrielle had mentioned reservations about her arranged marriage to Perdicas as a child, had run away for a few days before her marriage, staying with a friend a town over. But she had come back to marry Herodotus, and when Hecuba had heard both Xena and Gabrielle had run, she hadn't worried. Like mother like daughter, and apparently daughter-in-law.

"There's just the dresses and the guests today, the rituals tomorrow, and then the wedding!" Lila finished with a little bounce and a clap of her hands, wiggling happily as she turned to face the two of them. She smiled as she looked at them- Gabrielle still curled into Xena's side, resting her head on her shoulder, Xena holding her close, both of them comfortable and sleepy. "I'm sorry to break this up," she said, gesturing to them, "but you need to get up and get started on the day."

"We'll be down in a bit, Lila," Gabrielle promised, shifting so she was sitting up in bed, stretching as she moved. Reaching over, she patted Xena on the shoulder before rolling out of bed, walking over to their packs to pull out a clean outfit for the day. "Is there anything left for breakfast?"

"Like Mom's going to let us starve," Xena snorted, reluctantly leaving the bed herself. Grabbing her leathers, it only took her a moment to get dressed, fastening her outfit over her cloth shift. Rolling her head to crack her neck, Xena stood to her full height, shaking out the night's stiffness before heading towards the door. "Believe me," she said, gathering her armor and slipping it on, "a herd of warlords could wander in here, clear out the kitchen, and Mom would still have something for us. I'll meet you down there, alright?"

When Gabrielle confirmed she had heard her and would be down soon, Xena walked through the door, closing it firmly behind her. She couldn't help but chuckle as she heard Lila launch into another conversation, her voice quickly becoming overlapped by Gabrielle's as she joined in, both talking at the same time. Gabrielle hadn't had much time to really catch up with her sister- they had spent almost every moment these last few days either sleeping or preparing for the ceremony, leaving almost no time for sisterly fun.

A bit more of a delay on Gabrielle's part wouldn't hurt, Xena decided as she walked down the stairs. She would tell Cyrene and Hecuba to leave the sisters alone, at least for now.

However, every thought was driven out of her mind as, the moment she reached the bottom of the stairs and took a few steps into the room, a pair of arms reached around her from behind and grabbed her.

Her head slammed back as she jerked her arm, sending her elbow into her holder's gut while her skull made contact with his nose. Stomping on his foot, she twirled from his arms as he howled in pain, her fists flying up in a defensive position as she put some distance between her and her attacker- only to find herself face to face with a guilty looking demi-good.

"Hercules, I was about to kill you," Xena said, letting herself relax, shaking her head in amusement as the son of Zeus tried to tend all of his injuries at once. Not that they were bad- for a normal man, they might have been debilitating, a burst organ or broken foot, not to mention the ever present threat of a shard of bone going into the brain. For Hercules, though, she knew her attacks, while still painful, were about as deadly as a fly's bite. A fact that had always angered her, but one that she was glad of now. "What possessed you to try something like that on me?"

"Surprise bear hug," Hercules said, his words more of a question then an answer. Wiggling his nose as he stood to his full height, he smiled as he deemed nothing was broken. "I should have known better. But get over here, and give me a hug that won't end in bodily harm."

"It's good to see you," Xena said, taking him up on the offer and stepping into his arms, hugging him tightly. "I didn't know you were coming. Or that Mom had even invited you."

"Are you kidding," Hercules laughed, leaning down to place a kiss on her forehead, giving her one last squeeze before moving away. "I'm sure your mother invited half of Greece, and probably parts of other countries too. And really, Xena, miss your and Gabrielle's wedding," he added as he made his way to the table in the corner, where Iolaus was waiting for the two. "I've been waiting for this day for years- there's no way in Tartarus I was going to miss it."

"People keep saying things like that," Xena grumbled as she slid into her own seat, leaning over to give Iolaus a greeting kiss on the cheek. "'We've know you were in love for years,' 'we're just glad you found each other before it was too late,' over and over again," she said, imitating the speakers before dropping back into her own dialect. "Was it really that obvious we were in love?"

"Xena," Iolaus said, reaching out to grasp her shoulder, "a naked Zeus riding a flying monkey waving Aphrodite's under clothes around his head would be less obvious then the two of you were. Where is the other blushing bride anyway," he asked, smirking as Xena swatted his hand away, her embarrassed scowl amusing. "I haven't seen Gabrielle since Solstice in Athens, and then the two of you had to run off to take care of some Amazon issue."

"We were trying to prevent a war between two tribes whose Queens had both disappeared on the same night, and they needed another Queen to look into it," Xena explained, nodding gratefully as one of the waitresses brought over a platter of food- meat, bread, eggs, everything a good breakfast needed. "Turns out the two of them had eloped to get married, and were hiding away in a sacred grove only Artemis' chosen could enter. Gabrielle had to convince the tribes that war wasn't the way, and that being joined together in one larger tribe, even though their ways differed from each other, was better than killing each other off. And she's upstairs with her sister," Xena finished, taking a large bite out of some chicken. "The two of them haven't had much time to talk," she added through a mouthful of food. Chewing quickly and swallowing, wincing as some of the larger pieces got stuck in her throat, she began to look around, trying to find one of the parents.

"That reminds me. I need to tell Cyrene and Hecuba to leave the two of them alone, at least for now. They need some time to themselves. Do either of you know where they went?"

"To the Temple of Hera this morning, along with Herodotus and Toris," a voice behind them said, all three turning to look at the new comer. "Xena, Hercules, Iolaus," Joxer said, nodding at each of them as he pulled up a seat, "it's good to see you. Especially you, Xena. Everything been so busy, I've barely been able to catch a glimpse of you."

Xena nodded back at Joxer, her mouth too full of food to answer. He caught her questioning look, though, and continued to explain.

"Apparently, before all the ceremonial bathing and anointments and stuff like that that the brides do before the wedding, the parents of the engaged have their own little shin dig with the priest. Or, in your case, Xena, the parent and the closest male relative." Joxer reached over and grabbed a piece of bread from Xena's plate, almost earning himself a smack on the hand if her own hadn't been full of food and her mug. Though he did receive an angry glare, its effect only slightly lessened by her chipmunk cheeks. "It's supposed to be an all-day thing, so your Mom asked me to watch over the place."

"And us to take care of you," Hercules added, rubbing the back of his head. "Apparently, once you and Gabrielle were awake, you aren't supposed to see each other again until the wedding itself."

"Seriously?"

"Yep," Iolaus said, nodding. "Cyrene asked the Herc and me last night when we got in, once we got you out of the room, to make sure that the two of you didn't see each other for the rest of the day. Which is partly why Lila's up there stalling while you eat breakfast." He flashed her a cheeky grin, earning an eye roll from the warrior princess. "Once you're done, Herc here will escort you to the seamstress', while I go collect Gabrielle from her sister. There's a group of Amazon's on the way, so the two of us will go out to meet them and help them get settled, then it'll be Gabrielle's turn to get help with the dress. Meanwhile you and Herc will clear out your things from the room so that, when everything is done for the night, you can go straight to your new accommodations and go right to sleep. We'll repeat it tomorrow, and then you can see each other at the wedding."

"Seems a lot more effort than it's worth," Xena said, licking the crumbs and grease from her fingers. "Any reason why we're following this insanity?"

"Because Hera demands it," Hercules said, shaking his head at Xena's blatant disrespect. He hated his step-mother, but even he knew when to hold his tongue. "She's the goddess of marriage and family and everything like that, but even she frowns upon newly expecting brides. If the couples made it this far, according to her, they can wait two more days. And," he said quickly, cutting off whatever protest Xena had been about to say, "even when there's no way a child could happen, it's still traditional to make sure the couple isn't alone two days before the wedding. In case they give into temptations." He ended his little speech with a wink, smirking as Xena stuck out her tongue at him.

"Like that's an issue we need to deal with," Joxer said, keeping his voice low. "Since, you know, none of this is real. "

While the rest of the tavern was loud, patrons squawking while waitresses returned their calls, in their little corner, you could have heard a dinar drop.

"Joxer," Xena said slowly, letting out a long sigh as she turned to face him- ignoring her other two friends for the moment, because right now she could only deal with one man at a time. "Joxer, I-"

"Not real?" It was Iolaus who spoke, the confusion clear in his voice and on his face. "Xena, what do you mean? Of course it's real."

"You didn't tell them," Joxer asked, surprised, looking between the three. "Out of everyone, I would have thought you would have told at least these two the wedding's fake."

Xena said nothing, just took another bite of bread as she tried to figure out what to say. Might as well let Joxer explain the situation, then explain the new situation to them all. Less work for her, to only have to tell the second half of the story. Though part of her still wanted to kill the man for spilling the beans in the first place- she knew Joxer couldn't keep a secret, but really?

"Yeah," Joxer continued, keeping his voice low so only their little table could hear. "Cyrene heard this rumor months ago about Xena getting engaged, and when she asked me, I told her Xena had proposed to Gabrielle- a complete misunderstanding, actually, not my fault. However, Cyrene jumped the horse and started planning this whole thing, right? With Gabby's parents. But then these two show up four days ago, and they're not engaged at all! Just friends. Well, Cyrene freaks out, points out that, under Hera's law, they technically are engaged, and then guilt trips the two of them into going through with the wedding. They're getting married here, and then getting the marriage annulled when they get somewhere no one will know them. Isn't that right, Xena?"

Xena continued to chew, looking between the three men, stalling for as much time as she could.

"Xena, is this true?" It was Hercules who spoke again, his voice almost painful to hear. Moments ago he had been all smiles and joy, practically glowing with excitement for his friend. Now his face was blank, his body language turned inwards, making him almost scary. He was too much of a puppy dog to ever be truly terrifying, but the change in her friend was enough to make her heart flip from the guilt.

"Yes," Xena finally said, unable to meet any of their gazes. It hurt, watching Hercules and Iolaus deflate. "And no."

"No?" Joxer turned more in his seat to look at her, confusion written on his face. "Did I get something wrong?"

"No, Joxer, you were right," Xena said. "About everything. Except…" She let herself trail off as she gathered together the words she needed- when it came to war, she could rouse an army into a bloodthirsty frenzy in minutes. When it came to calming the wounded, she could have them ignoring their pain in favor of listening to her voice quicker than any painkilling herb could set in. And in mere seconds, she could whip an enemy into a rage, making them sloppy. But this heart to heart stuff? She could do it with Gabrielle, just not anyone else.

"You were right, Joxer, about everything," Xena said again, "except it's no longer true. Yesterday, while Gabrielle and I were gone, we made it official. The wedding is real, our feelings are real, and we're going to be married in two days' time." She looked up and gave the three of them wiry smiles, almost laughing as she watched Hercules and Iolaus puff up again. Joxer, however, deflated, his head bowing under her words. "I'm sorry, Joxer," Xena said, reaching out and taking his hand. He let it hang limp in her grasp for a moment, though he soon gave it a little squeeze. "I know you love her too."

"I do," Joxer admitted- right here, right now, there was no trying to hide how he felt. Not when the three people sitting before him would know he was lying before he spoke his first word. "But I've always known Gabs wasn't meant for me. I was hoping, since this whole thing was a farce, I might stand a chance. But I was wrong." Looking up at Xena, he sniffled hard, blinking quickly to clear the tears from his eyes. They all looked away as he rubbed his face with his free hand, trying to let him preserve some bit of dignity- which, by the look on his face when he had steadied himself, he was grateful for. "You just be good to her, you hear," he said, shaking a finger at Xena even as he squeezed her hand again. "I want to hear happy bard tales next time we meet up. Understood?"

"Perfectly."

"Good. Then get out of here," Joxer said, standing. "I've got a tavern to run, and you, you and Herc have a dress to go finish. Go." Waving them off, Joxer quickly disappeared into the crowd, weaving his way towards the counter to help the bar tender, the poor girl already looking overwhelmed from the sheer number of early morning drinkers.

"I almost feel bad for him," Iolaus said, watching him go.

"I do too." Xena's voice was soft as she spoke, though there were no negative emotions present- no guilt, no pity, just a simple statement of fact. They were both in love with the same woman, and while she felt his pain, she didn't wish to be in his place. "Well," she said, pushing herself to her feet. "Are you coming or what, Hercules? We've got a dress to see to."

With that, Warrior Princess and demi-god left the tavern, chatter picking up between them as they left Iolaus to his task of herding Gabrielle and Joxer to mend his heart.


	7. The Friendly Friends Arrive!

**AN 1:** Full title is 'The Friendly Friends Arrive! (As Opposed to the Not-Friendly Friends, Who Did Right to Stay Away)'

 **AN 2:** Sorry this is so late in the day. I've been super sick the whole day, and dealing with that. But, I'm alive and keeping down crackers and water, so that's good enough to get this edited and posted! I hope you all enjoy.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Xena.

* * *

"I still can't believe it's black."

"And I'm telling you for the third time, shush."

Xena had been the one to pick the color- an unorthodox choice, she knew, one that both her mother and the seamstress had reminded her of, but still she had chosen it, and both women had relented. The color suited her, and besides, when was the last time she had been innocent enough to wear white?

So the seamstress had relented, and had done a fabulous job with what she had been given. A dress that reached her ankles, it seemed to almost flow, hugging her curves even as it floated loosely from her body. Somehow, in the few days she had had to create the dress, the seamstress had even added in an embroidered design, reminiscent of her own armor, sewn from the neckline down, across her chest, ending at her waist where her own leather skirt would have started. Shifting from foot to foot, Xena nodded as it shifted with her- it almost felt as if she could go and fight someone in it, though part of her balked at the idea of taking such a beautiful piece into battle.

Looking back in the mirror, Xena smiled at the reflection of the seamstress behind her in approval. "It's beautiful," she said. "Thank you."

"Thank you, Xena," the old woman said, stepping forward to undo the hooks that kept the back closed. "I've always dreamed of making a dress for someone famous. I got to spend the last few days making two- one for you, and one for your bard. All I need to do is tweak the hemline- you're so tall- and it'll be done with plenty of time to spare. Hey, you, boy," she said, turning towards Hercules, snapping her fingers to get his attention. He had turned away when she had started to undo the back, attempting to preserve some of Xena's modesty. "Go get her leathers and her shift, and bring them here."

Hercules nodded and left the room, quickly gathering together Xena's things before returning, keeping his eyes firmly set on a far wall as he spoke. "You should get dressed quickly," Hercules said, gesturing towards the front door. "I can hear something going on outside, and we might be needed."

"Oh, good," Xena said, slipping out of the dress as the back was finished being undone and stepping into her shift, her fingers putting together the laces with practiced ease. "You heard it too. I was worried that your hearing was starting to go," she teased, sliding her leathers on like a second skin. "It didn't sound like anything bad- just someone we know."

Shaking the woman's hand and thanking her once again, Xena strapped on her weapons as she and Hercules left the seamstress', her mouth already quirking up into a smile as they made their way to the source of the noise.

She winced as she saw the butcher, one of the men who had trained her to fight with knives when she was little, standing over their idiot of a friend, who had tried to pick pocket the wrong person.

"Kadir," Xena called out as she approached, her smile wide and one hand held out in greeting. For a moment the butcher looked at her suspiciously, his eyes narrowing into thin slits before his mouth broke into a grin. Putting away the knife so he could take her hand, Xena pulled him into a half hug. "Kadir, it's good to see you."

"And you, Xena," the man said, his voice a deep rumble. "I take it this is one of yours?"

Xena bit back her laughter as she looked down at the man sitting at her feet, looking more embarrassed then harmed by the butcher's actions. When she held out her hand, he took it, dusting off his clothing as his mustache quivered in a mix of anger and humiliation. "Yeah," Xena said, sticking her other hand into Autolycus' pocket and pulling out the pouch of dinars she found there. "Unfortunately, but this one's saved my life quite a few times, so how about you cut him some slack? At least until after the wedding?"

"So long as you make him behave," Kadir said, taking the pouch from her. "But if he doesn't," he added, warningly, "then I might have to start cutting bits off. You never know what a dried ear-or other part- will go for in those specialty markets these days." Grinning wickedly at Auto, Kadir turned and walked away, his hand reaching for his knife again to play with it as he moved.

Xena immediately turned and smacked him on the arm, glaring at Auto as he yelped.

"Who do you think you are, coming into _my_ town, stealing from _my_ people, on this, the eve of _my_ wedding? I outta-"

"Outta do nothing," Hercules said, coming up behind her and putting a restraining hand on her shoulder. "No need to get into fights this close to the big day."

"A fight is just what I need, actually," Xena replied, shrugging off his shoulder and rolling her neck, smirking as Auto winced at the crack. "Something to really get the juices flowing, you know what I mean? And who knows? Maybe the King of Thieves would make a good opponent."

"Now, hold on, Xena," Autolycus said, holding up his hands in surrender as he took a step back. "Let's think about this logically. Do you really think, if I had actually been planning on stealing from that man, he would have caught me? I _am_ the King of Thieves, you know."

"If you weren't trying to steal anything, what were you doing?" Hercules once again put a hand on Xena's shoulder, trying to calm the woman who was so ready for a fight. She relaxed, interested in what Auto had to say, though the glint that hinted at her desire for violence never left.

"I was trying to find you guys," he said proudly, reaching into his other pocket and pulling out a handful of paper. "Like Xena pointed out, this is her town, and everyone knows it. I figured, if I messed around with some of the people, then she would come to me and save me the trouble of having to ask everyone I ran into if they could help me find her. Here." Auto held out his hand, dropping the paper- some beautiful and folded perfectly, others what looked like the torn bottoms of shopping lists held together by string- into her hands.

"What are they," Xena asked, opening the first and skimming the letter before he could answer. "How did you get a letter from Princess Diana?"

"I was actually in the same town as your friend, the Hestian Priestess, Leah. We got our letters on the same day, and when I overheard her fretting about how she was going to get a letter back to you in time saying she regretted not being able to come, I volunteered." Auto shrugged, smiling as he thought of his good deed. "Meg's place was just down the road, so I stopped by to see if she was going- figured we could travel together if she was. But she couldn't make it, unfortunately, not on such short notice. Then I remembered hearing about a third woman who looked exactly like you, and went to pay a visit to that princess friend of yours. She couldn't come either. So, all three of them gave me letters to give to you."

"And how exactly did you overhear Leah in the first place, when she barely ever leaves the temple," Xena asked absentmindedly, actually reading the content. Diana, eight months pregnant with her second child, was worried about the stress of travel, especially since this pregnancy had been hard on her. But she offered, the next time they were in the area, a party worthy of their wedding.

"Oh, you know," Auto said hesitantly to the two heroes, watching as Xena moved onto the next letter. "All Hestian temples are built exactly the same, so I wanted to familiarize myself with the interior of one. So I was just poking around."

"Meaning you were casing the joint in case you ever needed to rob one," Hercules translated, shaking his head at his friend.

"In case I ever needed to rob one for a _good cause_ ," Auto clarified. "But it's all in the past, and Leah didn't smack me too hard, so we're all good." He laughed to himself, shaking his head- he hadn't been paying close enough attention, instead listening to Leah's worries, and had allowed one of the other priestesses to find him. There had been some screaming, some yelling, and damn did that Leah have a mean right hook. But he had made it out in one peace, so all was good.

"You're getting sloppy," Xena laughed, holding out Leah's letter, where it described the priestess' version of events. "Or just old." Leah had been regretful as well, but their wedding was to take place on the same day as one of Hestia's biggest ceremonies- not something Leah, as head priestess for the region, could miss. Though she did offer them her prayers for a long and happy life and marriage (even if in the same sentence she did state her regrets at being unable to convert Gabrielle, who would have made a wonderful virgin).

"I am neither," Auto said, practically bristling at the accusation. Chuckling to himself a moment later, he shrugged and stepped forward, turning the two of them around and interlocking their arms, pulling them along as he walked down the street. "Maybe I am. Who knows? As things are, we'll just have to wait and see."

Xena nodded as the two men chatted to each as they walked, flipping open Meg's letter to see what that doppelganger of hers' was up to. She couldn't help but smile- Meg had left behind her old life, and had taken over the running of an orphanage when the old caretaker had passed. It was a respectable job, but with seventeen children under sixteen, four of which were under two, she just couldn't travel. But she was doing well, and if they ever stopped by, well, she kept some spirits in a locked box under her bed where the kids couldn't get to it. They could celebrate, the kids would love Gabrielle, and if the two of them liked any of the children, they could keep them.

Xena couldn't help the small smile that crossed her lips at that thought- so far, neither she nor Gabrielle had been having much luck with children, but who knew? Maybe in the future, something might change.

As they neared the tavern, Xena was forced to snap out of her thoughts as a woman went flying out the door, rolling across the ground before pushing herself up again with a snarl. Only to be tackled by another woman charging out from the building, the two of them rolling in the dirt to gain the upper hand.

"Solari," Xena said, pulling herself away from Auto to step towards the two fighting Amazons, an amused grin on her face, "why did you just tackle Eponin?"

At the sound of her voice the two women stopped fighting, Solari straddling Eponin's waist, one hand in her hair while the other was pulled back in preparation for a punch. Taking advantage of her momentary surprise, Eponin bucked Solari off, scrambling to her feet and brushing off the dirt that covered her leathers.

"Xena," Eponin said, nodding at the warrior. "It's good to see you." She held out her hand, shaking Xena's as she returned the Amazon's nod. Solari stepped forward and held out her hand as well, smiling widely.

"The two of us and Ephiny are the only ones who could come," she said apologetically. "The entire nation wanted to come to see Queen Gabrielle, but we couldn't leave the village abandoned- with things as they are, who knew what we might have found when we returned. So, since we're the closest to you and the Queen, we got to come."

"It's great to see you, really," Xena replied, "but why were you fighting?"

"Oh, that," Eponin said with a small laugh, her arm reaching out to wrap around Solari's waist. She leaned over and placed a quick kiss on Solari's cheek- a surprising move, since Eponin had always seemed to embody the warrior need to keep emotions in check at all time, lest she seem weak. Clearly no longer the case, for her smile just grew as Solari leaned into her. "That was just foreplay."

Xena just shook her head- you could take the Amazon out of the village, but you couldn't take the village out of the Amazon. And considering it was these two, she knew she shouldn't be surprised. She had paid attention enough the few times they were in the Amazon village to know the two were more than fond of each other, and the fact that both had a love of fighting and weapons just made everything make sense. Smiling at the couple, who had already started to hip check each other, trying to make the other stumble to restart their little fight, Xena jerked her head towards the tavern.

"Ephiny inside?"

"Yep," Solari replied. "With Gabrielle. We were all getting caught up with each other when this one," she said, jabbing Eponin in the side with her elbow, "started getting handsy. Which was what started that rumble."

"Oh, you know you-"

"If Gabrielle's still inside," Hercules said, cutting in on the Amazon's flirting so he could be heard, "then we can't go in, Xena. You know the rules."

"I can't even be in the same room as her?" When Hercules shook his head, Xena sighed and shook her own. "Alright then. Guess I'm going to the stables with Argo. Again." She was almost getting tired of seeing the inside of that building, though Argo's quiet companionship would be nice.

"Oh, don't go," Solari said, reaching out and putting her hand on Xena's arm. "We- the two of us, Gabrielle, Ephiny, and Iolaus- were going to head out in a minute. Stay here, we'll go get them, and then you can go inside. Sound good?"

"Fine by me."

With that the two Amazonian women turned on their toes and ran back into the tavern, jumping the steps and trying to nudge each other out of the way to be the first one in.

"Well, they seem like a handful of fun," Autolycus said drying. "Was the shorter one the one I stole the breast pin from to unlock the cell door?"

"Yep."

"Glad to see she's doing well."

"They all are, now that Gabrielle's Queen and Ephiny's reining Regent," Xena said, watching the door- even if she couldn't be with Gabrielle, she at least wanted to see her. Her line of sight, however, was quickly blocked by Hercules as he came and stood before her.

"You know the rules, Xena," Hercules said, looking down at her, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "You can't _see_ each other for the next two days. And that means even in passing."

"Oh, come on." Xena was about to protest more, but the sound of the tavern door opening distracted her- and him, giving her the perfect opportunity to duck down and around, smiling as she popped back up to see Gabrielle.

Only to find Gabrielle completely hidden from sight by the Amazons and Iolaus, the blonde man laughing as he saw Xena's trick and her disappointed look. "Knew you would try to beat the system, Xena," Iolaus said, "so I got a little help." Ephiny waved as she took in the sight: the three Amazon women were standing shoulder to shoulder with Iolaus, creating an almost box that hid the short bard between them. That, and the women were carrying their shields, covering the spaces between them so not even a glimpse was possible. Iolaus just looked smug, and it was a look Xena was excited to beat off his face later, when this was all done.

"We'll see you guys when you get back," Hercules said, waving his friend off, biting back his own laughter at the situation. It was a bit cruel, he knew, but he couldn't help it- in that moment Xena had looked more like a dog excited to see its master then he had ever seen her, and the idea of _Xena_ being a dog?

It amused him as much as it warmed his heart. She had changed so much in the last few years, to be capable of that kind of loyalty and love, and all because of Gabrielle.

Wrapping his arm around the pouting warrior's shoulder, Hercules took a step towards the tavern once the group had disappeared. "Come on, Xena," he said, smiling down at her. "I'll buy you an ale."

"Looks like I'm going to need it."

The rest of the day passed slowly, her, Autolycus, and Hercules (with occasionally Joxer and Lila when the two took breaks from caring for the tavern) catching up over their drinks, comparing stories and constantly trying to one up each other with how dangerous things had been for them. It was almost amusing, in a way. Gabrielle was the bard, but Xena could tell the facts as good as anyone else, and when she got sucked into retelling one of her adventures, she told it well enough, though it was more a replaying of facts combined with a constant requirement for her to backtrack to give important information she had forgotten earlier. With both men much the same, it was almost a game- who could utterly confuse the others the most without compromising the story?

The answer was Hercules, who had dove right into an explanation of his latest adventure, completely forgetting to add that the entire party had been under a curse at the time. Poor Xena had tried, but eventually she had had to fold, admitting she had no clue what was going on, except that Iolaus had obtained an interesting love for cheese.

Between their fun, they found themselves accepting guests- friends Xena and Gabrielle had made along their way, people from villages and towns they had saved who had felt a desire to wish them well, even Salmoneus made the journey (though part of Xena was sure that was more of a business decision than anything else, seeing as how he showed up with a cart full of items themed after Gabrielle and herself). People she hadn't seen in years and people she just saw a few week ago were all turning up from all across Greece to see the ceremony, giving the town that much more of a festival vibe.

For a moment she began to worry that the hall in the Temple of Hera wasn't going to be big enough to fit everyone, but she quickly shrugged it off. They'd figure something out- no need to worry about it now.

Late afternoon, Hecuba, Cyrene, Toris, and Herodotus finally returned home, smelling like the scented oils the priests of Hera used, laughing and chatting amongst themselves as they entered. Catching sight of Xena, the four of them made a beeline to her, Toris pulling her to her feet and kissing her cheek before taking a seat himself.

"We just spent," he explained, "the last ten hours discussing whether or not we needed dowries and learning about how to help settle marriage disputes and what our duties as the family were for the ceremony. And I came to a conclusion- that priest in there is going to drive everyone insane with his singing."

Herodotus started to laugh again as he took the seat next to Toris, clasping him on the shoulder while nodding in agreement. "I'm not sure if he's doing it on purpose or not," Herodotus said, shaking his head, "but I almost thought we were in a temple to one of the Muses, not Hera. But anyway, Xena," he said, gesturing to her friends, "introduce me. I want to know who my daughters hang out with."

As he smiled up at her, Xena couldn't help but think, for a moment, that she was included in that mention of his 'daughters.' It felt weird, Herodotus being so open and accepting of her, but never one to look a change of attitude in the mouth, Xena quickly filled him and Hecuba in.

The two were wary of Autolycus at first, though he quickly won them over with his charming mannerisms, almost flirting with Hecuba in the same breathe he complimented Herodotus. And once they were won over, they were won over hard. It also helped that, when they had asked him what he did for a living, he claimed he was a carpenter who serviced the Amazon's with his rare wood (she made a mental note to smack him later). Hercules they loved instantly, almost fawning over him- they had heard the tales, more than once, and it was an honor to meet the son of Zeus.

As everyone settled in, talking and alternating between her and Hercules for stories (they had asked Auto, but he had declined, saying his life was a quiet one of wood working), the sky darkening for the night, it seemed as if things were at peace.

A part of her was worried- her marriage should have been a bonfire in the night to any of her enemies, but so far no one had showed up to ruin anything. She had been expecting at least Ares to show up, but even he had been absent. It made the worried part of her twitch; she should be fighting someone by now, someone who thought her weak now that she had a weakness. But the other part of her relaxed, enjoying the quiet.

She would be seeing her old enemies soon enough- she didn't need to worry too much about them now. She would stay on guard, but until something arose, she would just enjoy herself.

That enjoyment only grew as Iolaus walked into the tavern, trying- only semi-successfully- to corral four drunk Amazons. One of whom, after looking around the tavern, smiled brightly as she saw Xena and made her way straight towards her, dropping herself into Xena's lap and kissing her before anyone could stop her.

"Ephiny," Gabrielle called out with a pout, Iolaus' arm a trap around her waist that had kept her from going to her love herself, "that's supposed to be my job."

"You're not allowed," Ephiny yelled back, her words only slightly slurred. Shifting herself so she was more comfortable in Xena's lap, she laughed at the shocked look on the warrior's face, reaching up and patting Xena's cheek as she spoke. "As your Regent, it's my duty to fulfill any obligations you are unable to. And you spent the last three hours talking about how much you wanted to kiss Xena, it was practically an order that I do so for you! Not that I mind." Ephiny said the last bit lowly, so only Xena could hear, giving the warrior a wink before she stood. "Not that I mind at all." Stumbling back towards the group, she smacking Iolaus hard on the back, grinning widely as he winced. Iolaus, for his part, just sent a pleading glance towards the group, his desperation to be saved clear on his face.

It was even clearer as he mouthed 'Help me,' when Solari and Eponin grabbed the arm that wasn't holding Gabrielle (who had spent the entire time hungrily staring at Xena, sending a rush of heat through the warrior) and began to drag him down the hall that led to the baths.

"Should we go save him," Hecuba asked after a moment, looking between the group- Toris, Cyrene, and Autolycus were all trying, very hard, not to die, their bodies quivering from the withheld laughter. Herodotus was glaring after the group- the sight of his semi-intoxicated daughter had closed most of the doors the day had opened (though luckily it seemed as if his anger were with the Amazons, not Xena). Hercules was just grinning widely, shaking his head. "We really should go save him."

"I'll go get him," Hercules said, pushing himself from his seat. "I'm honestly a little scared what those four could do to him, if just one can do that." He pointed at Xena- still sitting there, her face blank, her eyes wide, a rare look of shock still covering her face. She had been thoroughly surprised by the Regent's attack, and was only just recovering. Laughing to himself, Hercules quickly followed after the group to rescue his friend.

He was successful, returning a few minutes later with a soaking wet Iolaus who just looked thankful to be free.

"What happened to you, Io," Autolycus asked, pulling out a chair and covering it with a towel Cyrene had run to grab, making sure the wood wouldn't get wet. The blonde man sank into the seat with a groan, rubbing his face and running his fingers through his hair before turning to glare at Hercules.

"'Gabrielle will be the easy one,'" Iolaus said, badly imitating Hercules. "'She's so sweet, and understands tradition, she's go along with it. It's Xena who's going to be a pain in the ass, leave her to me.' But I don't see you soaking wet, Herc, and regretting the last six hours of his life." Iolaus, even through his anger, just sounded utterly defeated. At their questioning stares, he just shrugged. "After we got the dress finished- she looks beautiful, Xena, by the way," he added, "Ephiny demanded we head into the woods for some kind of pre-wedding Amazon ceremony. Everything seemed pretty straight forward. The four of them went into the trees, hunted for a bit, sacrificed most of what they got to Artemis to ask her to bless the union of her Queen, all that stuff. It was actually pretty interesting to watch, though I had to stay outside of the clearing they were doing it in. When that was done, they called me back in, and we were just hanging out around the fire, talking. I left for a bit to get more wood, and came back to well, that." He pointed towards the hall he had been rescued from. "And empty wine skins. I wasn't gone long, I swear, but they somehow drained nine between the four of them."

Xena laughed, shaking her head at the thought. "Most of those were probably Eponin and Solari," Xena said, thinking back through her memories of the Amazon parties she had been present for. "Gabrielle can't stand after more than a half skin, and she seemed pretty stable. Ephiny cuts herself off after one, two at the most- being the Regent and all," she explained to the group, "she has to keep some wits about her in case anything happens. Meaning most were Solari and Eponin."

"Well," Iolaus said, shaking his hair- accidently splattering the people on either side of him with water, "when I returned, Gabrielle was giggling and trying to make up a poem, Ephiny was just watching everyone, and I'm not entirely sure, but those other two were either having sex or trying to kill each other, so I just pulled them apart and set off to here. And do you know how _hard_ it was trying to get them to go in the right direction," Iolaus asked, a long-suffering look on his face. "They kept climbing trees. _Trees_ , Hercules. You know I'm afraid of heights!"

By now most of the group was snickering to themselves, the man's trauma hilarious to them.

"And how did you get wet," Toris asked.

"They pushed me into the baths."

And with that the entire group's resolve fell, laughter shaking the entire table and drawing the attention of the other tavern goes to them. Toris could barely stay in his seat, he was laughing so hard, every movement almost sending him to the floor. Between breathes different members of the party tried to apologize, but every time they looked at Iolaus and his pout, drops of water still dripping from his hair, they couldn't help it and just laughed harder.

"I'd like to see you all try to herd a bunch of drunk Amazons."

"I have," Xena piped up, wiping at the tears that had gathered in the corners of her eyes. "I never ended up drenched."

Iolaus just grumbled to himself under his breathe before pushing himself to his feet. "I'm going to bed. I will see you all in the morning. Good night." Turning on his heel, Iolaus stalked away, anger vibrating through him- an impressive exit that might have actually had an impact if his shoes hadn't squeaked with every step, sending the table descending into howls once again.

"I should go check on the girls," Cyrene eventually said once she had calmed down, patting her face with her sleeve. "Xena," she said, turning to her daughter, "you should go to bed. Earlier was fluke; you and Gabrielle-"

"Aren't supposed to be in the same room, I know," Xena said, rising from the table herself. "And if they actually are drunk as I think they are, it's going to take you a while to get them sorted out and into bed." Walking around the table and leaning down to kiss Cyrene and Toris, Xena offered the other people at the table nods before leaving for her room. By the time she had reached the door to her room, all the way in the back of the tavern, she could faintly hear Gabrielle laughing in the main hall- she would have a headache tomorrow, if Xena was guessing things right. Sighing to herself, wishing she could go back and watch her love make a fool of herself (always a fun spectacle, which was made even better when Gabrielle actually remembered it the next morning), Xena entered her room instead, glad this was the first of only two nights she would have to spend alone.

She had gotten used to Gabrielle's presence, and missed her when she was gone.

The room was tiny, the single bed small and lonely but still somehow taking up most of the space. Shrugging out of her armor and leathers, Xena crawled under the cold covers and tried to sleep. Rolling around for a few minutes, she sighed and gave up, getting out of bed and searching through her things. Finding her sharpening stone, she pulled out her sword and began to hone the edge, hoping the familiar movements would help her get some rest.

It did, eventually, leaving her weapon ready for battle as she rested for the next day.


	8. What's A Dream Wedding

**AN 1:** Full Title is 'What's A Dream Wedding Without A Little Murder?'

 **AN 2:** First, thank you all for your well wishes. I'm healing up nicely, if a bit slowly for my tastes, and I should be right as rain soon enough. Thank you again! :) Now, chapter 8, everyone! :D This is where things start to get fun, and was actually a bit of a surprise to me myself when I first wrote this whole thing. I did not see this coming, and I hope you all enjoy! And you know what? It's close enough to midnight, aka Wednesday, that you guys on and AO3 are getting this a bit early. Shh, don't tell the Tumblr readers, ok? I'm making them wait until the normal 7 pm posting time. This will be our little secret. Again, enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Xena.

* * *

Gabrielle was almost in tears, her body shaking as she waited in the room, Herodotus holding her hand tightly as they waited for the cue. Every so often he would open his mouth to say something, but every time he kept his words to himself. Part of Gabrielle was glad for the silence, that she could work out the steady stream of worries flowing through her mind, but the rest of her just wished he would say whatever it was and get it over with. His silence was only driving her mad, and it needed to end.

So she ended it.

"Be honest with me, do you think I'm making a mistake?"

"A little bit," Herodotus said, looking up at her with a grin. "You're young, and you've seen so much of the world, yes, but you've seen it through a child's eyes. I'm worried that, in ten, twenty years, when you know more, you'll think this was a mistake yourself. But," he added, his smile growing, "I trust you. I trust that you're making the right mistake, and if that time comes that you realize it was, in fact, a mistake, that you'll be able to figure it out then. But right now you love her, and she loves you."

"What if she doesn't?" Gabrielle felt guilty at asking the question- here, now, so close to everything finishing. But even as she felt the guilt, she had to ask- had to know and find some way to empty the destructive words within her mind- that it was a lie once again, that Xena didn't care for her, that she would end up with her heart broken once again by the Warrior Princess- that were sending her stomach churning and her breathing short. She asked because she knew the answer and wanted someone to confirm what she already knew.

"Have you seen the way she looks at you," Herodotus asked incredulously. He stood from the chair he had been sitting on, wincing as his knees gave him a bit of trouble from sitting for so long. Once he had reached his full height, he gently tugged on the hand he had been holding, pulling her in close for a hug. He gently kissed her forehead and sighed, careful not to mess her make-up or her hair do as he held her to him, his one hand rubbing up and down her back to drive away the tremors he could feel flowing through her. "I have never once, in my entire life, seen someone look at someone or something the way Xena looks at you. You are her everything, and will be for the longest of time. Don't you doubt that. No matter what, Xena loves you, and it's looking like she always will."

Listening to her father speak, Gabrielle forced herself to calm, lest she empty her stomach onto the floor, ruining the rugs and perhaps even her dress. He was right, she reminded herself, over and over again. Her father was right- she loved Xena, and Xena loved her. What they were doing was right for so many reasons; she just had to be reminded of that.

Their moment didn't last long. Before they knew it, one of the servants had knocked on the door, her head poking in after an acceptance of entry to smile at the two of them. She jerked her head towards the room that was waiting. "It's time. Are you ready?"

Gabrielle almost threw up right then and there, but she quickly swallowed and nodded, turning with her father so they were facing the doors. Linking her arm with her father's, the servant of Hera opened the door and they began to walk.

The Temple had been built to look like a 'T,' with two rooms at either end of the top walkway for the wedding parties to wait in until the ceremony was ready to start. It was from the opposite room that Xena, accompanied by Toris, exited.

If Gabrielle had ever had doubts about Xena's feelings for her, they were gone. For the moment their eyes met, Xena, normally the graceful one of the two, stumbled and would have fallen if Toris hadn't steadied her. Even as she righted herself, Xena never took her eyes off Gabrielle, clearly stunned.

Gabrielle calmed at her reaction, almost laughing at her poor fiancée. There was very little that could catch Xena off guard, but apparently little old her in a wedding dress could do so. Forcing down her laughter, she smiled widely at Xena, a smile that was quickly returned.

Gabrielle herself, if she was honest, had held onto her father's arm tighter as she took in everything that was Xena, everything that was her beautiful wife-to-be. Everything that was her everything, her life and love, the woman she wanted to be bound to for the rest of their lives. Herodotus slyly patted her hand and glanced at her, beaming.

Their walk was slow, each step measured as the priest of Hera read from his scrolls, reciting the Jobs of the Father- to protect, to teach, to provide, to love. No one seemed to mind that Xena's 'father' was her older brother, for he had completed each of those jobs just as well as any real father could have. A third of the way down each aisle, Cyrene and Hecuba were waiting, their arms wide open to accept their daughters into a hug. Kissing Herodotus and Toris on the cheeks, the two men went and sat down, sliding their way into the rest of the crowd that had gathered to see their wedding.

It wasn't until Herodotus left her and she turned to watch him take his seat that Gabrielle truly realized how many people were there. She had been so focused on Xena, on not tripping over her own feet, on the dozen of other things that were coming, she hadn't been able to pay attention to anything else.

Gabrielle didn't get stage fright. Except for the few times villagers had insisted on paying her and Xena for protecting them (and had refused to accept the money back when the two of them had protested), she was the one who made most of their money. Whenever they were in a town, she found the busiest inn or tavern and offered her services as a bard, enticing everyone with her stories. Most people, as a tip for her tale, parted with a few dinars, usually more than enough to cover their expenses- food, gear, inns, the occasional frivolous item. So Gabrielle didn't get stage fright.

It was only her mother's arm locking in with her own and the reassuring look on Xena's face as she took Cyrene's offered hand that kept Gabrielle there, and even then it took everything she had to not bolt.

The priest then began to recite the Jobs of the Mother- to nourish, to encourage, to tend to, to love. With every few words he spoke, they took another step, slowly, ever so slowly, closing the distance between them. Down another third of the aisle, and there they said good bye to their mothers, kissing them as they went off to their own seats.

The last third they would travel on their own, before joining together before the priest to be wed.

Gabrielle could tell Xena was getting impatient as the ceremony continued on- she kept fidgeting, not in any obvious way, but in the same little ticks that Gabrielle had picked up over their years together. She herself wanted this to be done, wanted to end this entire thing standing next to her wife. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from running down the aisle, throwing tradition to the win to find herself in Xena's arms that much quicker. Instead she forced herself to listen to the Jobs of the Wed, memorizing the words the priest had to say. Be loyal, be caring, be careful with each other's hearts and souls- all the same things she had heard the other day, during the bathing ceremonies, but still good advice.

"Hey." Xena's voice was barely a whisper as they finally stopped, standing before the priest and each other. Gabrielle's hands twitched with the desire to reach out and touch her, the temptation almost overwhelming after two days of forced separation (plus she still had to replace the image of Ephiny kissing her with a kiss of her own), but instead she just whispered back.

"Hey."

"And now," the priest said, the first word sung while the other was spoken, looking out into the crowd, "I have to ask. Is there any among us, man or woman, young or old, who think Xena of Amphipolis and Gabrielle of Potidaea should not be wed on this day, in this, our mother Hera's temple? If there is someone who does, speak so we may confer and decide if your grievances are enough for Hera to turn from this union."

While there was general shifting about, even someone clearing their throat, no one said anything. The cold, terrifying glare Xena shot the onlookers might have played into that somehow, but still no one spoke.

"Brides, turn and face me and kneel before Hera to have this union blessed."

Turning to face the priest, both Xena and Gabrielle knelt before him, their heads bowed as he spoke, asking Hera to allow them many long and happy years together. Although they were supposed to keep their eyes on the floor, signifying humility before the goddess, they couldn't help it- every few seconds they would glance out of the corner of their eye, turn their head ever so slightly to see the other, and their gazes would lock, neither able to stop looking at the other until the priest's singing first word to every sentence reminded them of what they were supposed to be doing. It was only then that their eyes would drop, only to eventually find them staring at each other once again.

"And now, as the High Priest to Hera, Goddess of Marriage, I say that this union is a blessed one. Rise, Xena of Amphipolis and Gabrielle of Potidaea, for you are now-"

It wasn't the stopped sentence that forced Xena and Gabrielle to their feet, nor had it been the dull _thunk_ that had stopped him in the first place. No, it had been the spray of blood that had coated them as the arrow pierced through his neck, covering their faces before they could turn away, that had forced them onto their feet, already searching for the murderer before they reached their full height.

For a single moment, you could have heard a dinar drop, the room was that silent. No one moved, no one breathed, no one did anything besides sit there and stare in horror as the priest's body fell to the ground, his blood spilling upon the steps where Xena and Gabrielle had just been kneeling. No one did anything.

Until Xena's hand shot up, catching the arrow aimed right at her milliseconds before it hit, her other one catching the one meant for Gabrielle with the same amount of time to spare. As if that was the cue, the doors to the temple flew open, the room flooding with soldiers armed to the teeth and their weapons drawn for battle.

It was chaos. The moment the doors opened, soldiers started to lash out, slashing and stabbing at anyone they could find, coating their swords with blood. The crowd began to panic, pushing further into the temple and scattering down the two aisles, trying to find safety in the two waiting rooms she and Xena had just vacated.

No one was armed. Weapons were not allowed in the Temple of Hera, and the priests had insisted. Something Xena swore about now as her one hand reached for her hip and the other over her shoulder for her sword, finding both empty, her weapons tucked away in a room right off to the side of the entrance hall. Where everyone's weapons were, a room they couldn't get to.

"Gabrielle!"

Gabrielle turned as Xena grabbed the candle holder closest to her, lifting the thick wooden pole and bringing it down on the edge of the alter before twirling it and doing the same to the other end, breaking off the standing legs and the candle indents to leave just the stem. She threw it over to Gabrielle before grabbing the second one and doing the same- without the awkward ends, the sticks were almost as good as her staff. Heavier, meaning she'd have to be careful not to get into situations she couldn't get out of quickly, but still decent enough to fight with.

"Gabrielle, start herding people towards the rooms. We can protect them once they get in there." Xena's voice was calm, even as she took in the horror at the back of the room. Hercules and Iolaus had managed to force their way back and were each taking on a dozen men each barehanded, ducking and weaving and just trying to avoid the red-stained weapons. Joxer had darted back too, though even he was smart enough to not get in the men's way- instead he had started to grab the injured and drag them back, using the cover the other two provided to remove them as well as he could. Thankfully, it didn't seem as if too many people were badly injured, though there were a few who were just lying there, unmoving.

"Xena, what-"

Xena bent down and ripped the side seam of her dress open, leaving her legs free to move. Letting out her signature war cry, she raced down the long aisle, leaping into the air to clear the rest of the villagers who were still trying to force their way into safety. Landing on her toes, Xena swung her staff into the head of one of the soldiers, sending him to the ground without a sound, his head hanging at a strange angle. With her joining in, her, Hercules, and Iolaus were able to hold back the tide as Joxer finished his rescue missions, Gabrielle herself sending the last of the wedding guests into the rooms.

As the last soldier fell, the doors closed, leaving herself, Xena, Hercules, Iolaus, Joxer, Herodotus, Hecuba, Cyrene, Toris, and Autolycus left in the temple. Securing the front doors shut, using Xena's staff to keep them from opening, Xena turned and walked back to the end of the church, her face dark as she looked between them all.

"Herodotus, Hecuba, Mom," she began, "get in those rooms and stay there. You can't fight, you'll just be a liability. Autolycus, get into the rafters, look through the upper window, and see what's out there. It looked like the arrows came in through the far windows, though I couldn't be sure. Tell me what I need to know to get us out of here alive. Hercules," she called down to the man, where he was still by the door, checking the pulses on the soldiers and the few villagers who had gone down and hadn't moved. "Anything?"

He just shook his head and reached into his pocket, taking out a handful of dinars to pay for their passages on the boat. With a pang, Gabrielle realized one of the dead was the seamstress.

"Stay by the door," Xena ordered, "and don't let anyone in. And why are you still out here," she snarled, turning on the parents who had refused to move. "I told you to get inside."

"We're not leaving you," Hecuba said, though her voice was shaking as she spoke. It was clear she was terrified, but she had bent down at some point and picked up one of the broken pieces from the candle holders, holding it so that the jagged wood was facing out. "You're our daughters, and no matter what, we're not losing you."

"Fine," Xena finally said after looking at the three of them for long, hard moments. "Stay here towards the back, and let us do the fighting. Take out anyone who gets by us, but only if they get too close. You can guard the doors where everyone else is. I'm assuming that's where Lila is?"

When Herodotus nodded, Xena just nodded back before turning to her brother.

"I want to be up front, with you," Toris said quickly, guessing what his sister would say.

"And I want you back here, protecting everyone." Xena took a step closer to her brother, gently pulling his head down so their foreheads were pressed against each other. Gabrielle couldn't hear what she was whispering, but whatever she said did the job- after a moment Toris sighed and nodded, stepping back so he was the end of the aisle, his own make shift wooden weapons, broken from who knew what, clutched hard in his hands. "Joxer," Xena said, "you're with Toris. Keep them safe."

Joxer just nodded and took up his position, his flattened pasta strainer held in his red-stained, trembling hands.

"Iolaus, start collecting and distributing those swords," Xena called down to the blonde man, nodding as he quickly got to work. The first sword he delivered was to her- with a quick twirl she deemed it alright, even if it wasn't her usual. But her usual was in the main entrance hall, outside of the safety of their current room, and she couldn't risk leaving for it now. Soon enough everyone was armed. "Does anyone know where Ephiny, Eponin, and Solari are?"

"They were towards the back of the temple," Joxer spoke up. "When the men came in, a group went right towards them. Forced them out the door. They looked a bit cut up," he added, "but nothing fatal. The blonde one broke one guy's neck, took his sword, and then I lost sight of them."

At his news, Xena stilled for a moment before nodding. "If I know them, they're going to stay close but try to get to higher ground, so they can take soldiers unaware from above. Let's just hope they stay alive."

"Gabrielle."

Gabrielle turned back towards Xena at the sound of her name, only to find herself pulled into a hug, her face pressed against Xena's chest as Xena buried her face into Gabrielle's hair. She was shaking, Gabrielle realized with a start- Xena was shaking, her entire body trembling, as she held her close.

"Gabrielle," Xena said softly, "I don't know what we're facing out there. I just want you to know that I love you, that today would have been the happiest day of my life, that-"

Gabrielle pulled away ever so slightly and lifted her head, catching Xena's lips in a kiss that promised tomorrow. "Nothing will happen," she said as she pulled away from the kiss, her hands reaching up to cup Xena's face. At her touch, Xena turned her head, placing a kiss against her palm. "We'll defeat whoever's out there, and then we'll find another day for our wedding. But today is not our end, Xena," Gabrielle said, her every conviction clear in her words. "Not today."

"It's a massacre out there," Autolycus said as he slid down one of the columns that kept the temple standing. "The army's bigger than I've ever seen, and it looks like they're the only ones in town. I can't tell what happened to anyone else," he said apologetically, "but there's a lot of people out there who aren't moving. Including one of the Amazons. I'm sorry."

"Could you see who's army it was," Xena asked, placing one last kiss on Gabrielle's forehead before moving away, her sword tapping against her leg as she paced. "A banner, a flag's man, anything? And how the hell did they get so close without us finding out? How-"

Before she could finish, her first question was answered as a familiar voice, one they had been hoping they would never hear again, rang out with a long, drawn out cry of " _Gabrielle_!"

"Gabrielle," they could hear Draco screaming from outside the temple, his voice loud and clear despite the distance and stone walls between them. "Gabrielle, I have come for you. I heard you were to be married, but when I realized it was not to me, my heart almost broke. But now, Gabrielle, I have come to finally make you mine. Come see my army, Gabrielle," he said. The entire time he spoke, his voice was light, almost chipper, as if they were discussing dinner plans for later. "There is no way you can fight me, Gabrielle, not in a way you can win. I have the god Ares on my side, and he promised you to me if I wiped out this pitiful little town and the Warrior Princess with it. I give you a few minutes to consider whether you want to come to me without bloodshed, but then, Gabrielle? I'm coming for you, and you will be mine."

She was shaking by the time he was finished talking, her hands barely able to hold onto her staff. All of those people outside dead, everyone inside in danger, all because of her. Because they had thought it better to keep the warlord under the love spell so he would try to be good for her.

"Ares, you gods damned rat bastard, show yourself."

"You know, Xena," Ares said, appearing out of thin air, smirking as he looked around the temple, "there are nicer ways to summon me."

"What are you playing at, Ares," Xena growled, her sword coming up to rest at his neck, the tip almost piercing through the skin. Not that it would have done them any good, him being a god and all, but the sight of his chin raised made a twisted smile appear on Xena's face.

A terrifying expression Gabrielle had only seen once before, when they had been facing the horde, one she had hoped she would never see again.

"I'm not playing at anything, Xena," Ares said, walking forward so the sword impaled his neck, sliding through him without leaving a mark. "I just decided, since you and the annoying blonde were actually going to tie the knot, to make things a bit…difficult on you. For old time's sake." Turning so the sword slid out of him, Ares walked over towards Gabrielle and reached for her, though he quickly found Xena once again in his path and her sword through him.

"Don't touch her," Xena snarled. From behind Xena, Gabrielle watched as Hercules stepped forward to confront his brother, but a quick glance from Xena stopped him.

"Like you could really stop me," Ares scoffed. "All these years, I've been going easy on you, Xena," Ares said. "I've been giving you my blessing, interfering with other gods for you, everything. But now I'm tired of our little game. So how about one more match?" He waved out towards the waiting army. "Draco wants your little bard, and will do anything to have her. When he heard about your impending nuptials, he turned to me. I was willing to back him- getting his army into the area without you noticing, making his troops invisible to any who try to find him, things like that- but if you play one more game with me, I'll rescind my blessing and let you two go at it the old way. Or," he said causally, "I can just let him continue to slaughter all of your precious villagers, give him Gabrielle when you're dead, and let him have his way with her. Your choice."

"What's the game," Xena asked, lowering her sword and raising her free hand to stop the choruses of voices that spoke out in protest. "If I can stop this without any more causalities," Xena yelled over them, "then I will take my chances. Again, what is the game?"

"Go out there and fight, by yourself," Ares said, pointing towards the door. With a snap of his fingers, Xena's dress had been exchanged for her leathers, her chakram hanging from her belt and her own sword strapped across her back. "No friends, no family, no loved ones at all. Including those little Amazons- one of which is dead, the other two captured. Go out there and fight, and if you can save the city without dying, then I'll back off. I swear here, in my mother's temple," he said, louder, his voice booming to make the ceilings shake, "that if you win against my army, I will leave you and your love in peace. You'll see me, but it won't be to tempt you. If you lose," he continued, his voice falling to normal levels, "well, you're dead, and Gabrielle becomes Draco's. But since you played, the town will be left standing, and everyone else can go free, including the rest of your family."

"And if I don't take this offer?"

"You might live," Ares said, shrugging. "Everyone in here might very well live. But that's no guarantee. But everyone out there," he said, pointing out towards the door once again. "Everyone out there will die. And your boy Autolycus only saw what we wanted you to see. Almost everyone in your town is safe and sound, tied up and ready for the slaughter the moment I give my word. Can you really be responsible for tens of thousands of people dying on your order, now that you've gone good?" Fading out of existence, Ares' voice still lingered. "You have a while to make your decision. But make it wisely."

"You can't do this." Gabrielle was the first to speak up, reaching out to grab Xena's arm. "Xena, please, there has to be another way for us to figure this out, for us to win. You can't go out there, you-"

Xena cut her off with a kiss- hard and desperate, almost more teeth and tongue then actual lips, Xena's hands wrapping around hip and upper back to pull her closer. Gabrielle moaned into the kiss, her hands weaving themselves into Xena's hair, tugging her down so she wasn't standing on her toes anymore, so she could feel Xena pressed against her, could confirm that Xena wasn't leaving, because how could Xena kiss her like this and then just leave?

It wasn't until Xena pulled away and placed one more sweet, tender kiss on her lips that Gabrielle began to panic.

"Hercules," Xena said, her voice quivering as she pulled away, her gaze never leave Gabrielle- her eyes roamed every inch of her skin, as if she was memorizing the sight before her. As if it was the last time she was going to see it.

"Yeah?"

"Don't let him touch her."

" _Xena, no_ ," Gabrielle screamed as Xena turned and raced away, towards the doors Hercules had already unbarred, towards the door Iolaus was holding open, towards the entrance way that was crawling with men, armed men who wanted nothing more than to be the man who had killed the great Xena. Letting out her war cry to cover the cries of protest behind her, Xena flipped through the door, into the fray, her sword twisting through the air to strike the exposed neck of the nearest man as she sent her chakram flying.

Toris was the one who grabbed her before she could get too close, his arms wrapping around her waist to hold her steady as Hercules and Iolaus re-barred the door.

"Autolycus," Hercules called out, looking for the sly man- he found him already in the rafters, watching through the high window.

"I've got my eye on her," he called down. "And boy, is she something to watch. Not even five minutes, and already some are on the run."

"Keep us informed," Hercules ordered. When Autolycus nodded, Hercules left the door, leaving Iolaus in charge of keeping watch as he walked down the aisle, to where Gabrielle was still struggling in Toris' grasp, ignoring everyone, her mother, her father, Cyrene, everyone, as she tried to force her way free.

"Let me go," Gabrielle said through gritted teeth, flailing hard as she tried to get Toris to release her. It was clear the young man was in pain, but still he held on, biting his tongue as he kept her still. "Let me go, I need to go to her. Xena!" Gabrielle called, twisting her head to bit into Toris' arm. Yelping, instinctively pulling away, Gabrielle pulled herself free and continued to run for the door, ducking under Hercules' arm, only to have him grab her by the back of her dress.

The back tearing off didn't stop her, but the momentary delay before it did did, letting Hercules get his arms around her like Toris had, though the demi-god kept his grip lower, out of reach of her teeth.

"Gabrielle, calm down," Hercules said, whispering in her ear. "You heard Autolycus- barely five minutes, and already they're scattering. They're fools, cowards, and Xena will easily beat them. But only if Ares keeps denying them his blessing, and for him to do that, you need to stay here."

Slowly, the more he talked to her, the more Gabrielle began to calm, her wild attempts at freedom lessening until she just laid in his arms, slumped over, gasping for breath as tears stained her cheeks. "I should be out there with her," she gasped. "She's my wife, I should be with her."

"There's nothing you can do, Gabs," Hercules said again, shifting his hold so he was cradling her. "Nothing you can do but hope."

None of them were sure how long they stood there, waiting, listening to the sounds of constant battle right outside their doors. Every once in a while, Xena's war cry would echo through the hall, letting them know she was okay- doing something incredibly dangerous and stupid, no doubt, but she was okay. When he had a clear view, Autolycus told them what was going on, his interrupted play-by-plays the only things keeping them sane.

They had no clue how long the battle lasted. There was no way for them to measure time, just the noises of Xena fighting the men around them. They barely moved- Gabrielle stayed cradled in Hercules' arms, Joxer and Toris kept their positions at the end of the main aisle, Hecuba, Herodotus, and Cyrene kept their places by the doors, to protect the innocents that lay behind them. All while Iolaus stayed by the entrance, his hand on the staff at all times, ready to remove it the moment he had to.

"Most of the men are gone," Autolycus said. "At least, I think so. Draco's coming up on a horse now. The two of them are talking- it looks like Xena's giving him the chance to leave. He's pulling out his sword, and…they moved behind a house. But it looks like a couple dozen men are heading that direction. They look scrawny- I'm sure Xena can take them. They're…" Autolycus fell silent, as he had many times, when there was nothing to report. For a long moment they waited- he was never quiet for long, the battle constantly leading the participants in and out of view, giving him bits and pieces to report.

But for a long time he was. For a long time he was quiet, before finally, with a low voice, he spoke.

"Open the door, Io. It's over. Draco's dead."

Gabrielle was the first out that door, one hand holding her top up as she ran, jumping as well as her skirt allowed over the dead bodies littering the ground, uncaring of the mud and blood and who knew what else that was staining her hemline. The only thing she could care about was Xena, who was standing there with Draco's head in her hand, facing away from her. Xena, who, as she called out her name, was slowly starting to turn to face her.

Xena, who's front was covered in blood, too much blood, too much of it her own as it poured from the stomach wound she was desperately pressing on as she tried to stay standing. Xena, who, before Gabrielle was close enough to catch her, fell to the ground and laid there, still.

Gabrielle screamed, and _screamed_ , and woke up screaming.


	9. Nothing Can Ever Go Wrong

**AN 1:** Full title of this chapter is 'Nothing Can Ever Go Wrong When Goddesses Get Involved! (Not)'

 **AN 2:** I'm in the middle of baking some fresh bread, and I just got my ticket for the 2017 Xenite retreat. This has all put me in a very good mood, so you all get the next chapter a day early.

 **AN 3:** Ok, I'll admit, I had to fight very, very hard against putting the evil emoji and writing out a bunch of evil laughter at the end of last chapter. I had to fight that urge very, very hard. But since I'm twenty-two instead of twelve, I managed to defeat that urge. And it was almost a disappointment, but I survived. So, now that the angst is out of the way, into the drama! Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Xena.

* * *

Xena didn't care. She didn't care that she might draw Hera's ire. She didn't care that she might offend the Queen of the Gods. She didn't care that she would be breaking hundreds of years of tradition, because, even though she had been told again and again that it was just a nightmare, just a bad dream, Gabrielle was in that room, sobbing, calling out for her, and nothing was going to stop Xena from going to her.

"I don't think even you could survive a sword to the neck, Hercules," Xena said calmly, the tip of her sword pressed under Hercules' chin. They met each other's gazes perfectly- even as Gabrielle burst into a hacking cough, her body struggling to breathe even as she continued to sob, Xena flinched, but she never looked away. "Unless you want to test that theory," she said lightly, pressing harder, so a drop of blood began to well up, "you'll stand down."

Hercules just shrugged and moved to the side, letting Xena break the biggest tradition Hera had. What was one more god's wrath, anyway?

The moment Xena was inside she threw her sword off to the side, so it wouldn't get in the way. Walking up behind the small crowd that had gathered around Gabrielle, trying to calm the girl, she gently pushed her way through until she reached the bed at the center, where Hecuba and Lila were cuddling Gabrielle between them, trying to calm her before she cried herself to sickness.

Gabrielle, as if oblivious to her mother and sister around her, just reached out for Xena, her tears falling that much harder. Motioning for Lila to move, Xena flipped down the covers once she had, leaning in and lifting Gabrielle into her arms with ease. Seeing what she meant to do, Hecuba quickly rearranged the pillows as Xena lowered herself into the bed, sitting upright with the pillows to keep her comfortable, Gabrielle cradled in her lap. Stroking her back, softly shushing her, Xena held her close, just letting her cry, ignoring the wetness on her neck that was seeping into her shift as Gabrielle sobbed.

"It's alright, Gabrielle," Xena said soothingly when Gabrielle murmured her name, "it's alright. I'm here."

"You were dead," Gabrielle choked out, her words slightly garbled from the tears, though Xena was able to make them out. "Draco wanted me, and Ares was working with him, and you had to fight everyone alone and you died, Xena, you _died_. It wasn't a dream, it was the future, Xena. Like with the Persians."

A chill ran down Xena's spine at the reminder- Gabrielle's prophetic dream had saved them from certain death, though it had also terrified her. Terrified her that she had been about to die, that Gabrielle had seen it, and that they had been able to change it.

"When did it happen?"

"During our wedding." Gabrielle was beginning to calm down, now that Xena was safe and alive and in her arms.

"It was just a bad dream," Xena said, loud enough for the little crowd that surrounded them to hear. Giving them a look, they slowly began to leave, until only family and Hercules remained. "I'll stay with her for the night," she said, giving Hercules that look of hers that said 'no arguing with me on this.' "She'll be fine so long as I'm here. She had a dream I was killed during the wedding."

Sounds of understanding left the little group, Hecuba reaching out and stroking Gabrielle's back gently. "Would it help it I went and asked your Amazon friends to come in from their camp site," Hecuba asked. By the time the Amazons had arrived, there had been no rooms left at the tavern, so they had set up sleeping arrangements in the stables. "They could sleep in here with you. They're sure to keep you and Xena safe. From everything."

After a moment Gabrielle shook her head, though she gave her mother a watery smile. "I'll be alright," Gabrielle said, shifting so she was better curled into Xena. "I just need to get back to sleep."

"Of course." Hecuba and Lila quickly leaned in, both kissing Gabrielle on either cheek at the same time- then surprised Xena when they did the same to her, both chuckling at her startled reaction. As they left, they gently pulled Hercules along, Hecuba whispering under her breathe that she was sure the goddess would understand the circumstances. It wasn't until after the door was closed that Xena spoke.

"Tell me everything."

So Gabrielle did. She told her about waiting for the wedding to start, about their walk towards each other, about the priest almost pronouncing them as married. She told her about the arrow that had killed him, the ones that had almost killed them, how a few of the guests within the temple died as the doors opened. Told her about Draco wanting her, about Ares' involvement, about his offer.

Told her, while still trying to hold back a fresh wave of tears, about how she had run out the door, fought the army, only to die when they were almost together again.

Gabrielle told her everything, taking them until almost dawn.

"Go to sleep, Gabrielle," Xena said softly, shifting them so they were both lying down. Gabrielle was struggling to stay awake, her eyes sliding closed before she jerked them open again, her gaze frantic as she looked around, only calming when she remembered where she was. "It's okay," she promised. "I'll stay right here until you wake up."

"Promise?"

"Promise." Xena placed a small kiss onto Gabrielle's forehead as she spoke, watching as, finally, Gabrielle allowed herself to slip into slumber, her exhaustion taking over the moment she let it.

Xena was also tired, but she didn't sleep. Instead she laid there, running her fingers through Gabrielle's hair, holding her love close as she thought. Thought and planned for what would come next.

* * *

The ceremonial baths were actually pleasant- the water was warm, steam rolling up from the surface to create a curtain they couldn't see through. An actual curtain separated them from each other- Gabrielle hadn't been pleased by the idea of them being separated, not after her nightmare, but after a few minutes and the priestesses setting up a single bathing chamber so they could share the room without risking seeing each other, she had agreed.

Xena was just enjoying it while she could, only half paying attention to the things going on around her. She only caught every few words the priest standing the doorway said- stories about love and faithfulness, about loyalty and compromise and the many other things that marriage required. When it came time for her to speak, she said the words fed to her by the priestesses who were washing her automatically, the words forgotten as soon as she spoke them. When they asked her to turn she did, raised her arm to the height the women needed her too, dunked under the water after they had scrubbed her hair to remove the suds- she did everything without resistance, letting them move and position her like a doll. Even when Gabrielle gave out a sharp "Hey!" at the indignity being washed like a child by strangers brought, Xena just ignored it.

She was too focused on the battle plans to really care about the present.

The moment Gabrielle had awoken, Xena had been on the move, calling Lila into the room, only to send her out again to get the people she would need. Hercules, Iolaus, Joxer, Toris, Ephiny, Eponin, Solari, Autolycus- all of them had been in the room within half an hour of Xena calling for them, platters of food balanced in their hands or on their laps as they talked. Gabrielle had once again had to tell the story- this time, in the light of day, her voice had kept steady and her eyes dry, though her hands had begun to shake towards the end.

The room had descended into chaotic discussion at the end of her tale, conversations overlapping and conjoining and splitting off into a dozen different directions, words getting lost in the confusion as they tried to make sense of the future and how to stop it.

"Enough." Xena's voice had been low, but still silence had descended over the group. None of them were willing to go against the warrior, not when she looked the way she did- tired, angry, as if the only thing holding together her humanity was Gabrielle's hand, which she clutched tightly in her own. "I already have a plan, but I need more intel to see if what I'm thinking is true. Ephiny, Solari, Eponin?" When the three Amazons nodded at her, Xena continued.

"I know Ares is hiding the troops from us somehow. With an army as big as the one Gabrielle said, and for them to attack so quickly without anyone giving us a warning, they have to already be nearby. I would say the woods on the southern side of the village." Reaching into one of Gabrielle's bags, she pulled out a scroll, quill, and some ink, quickly sketching a crude map for them. "Even if they are hidden by some power of Ares', it's impossible to make every sign of an army disappear. He's bound to have missed something. I want you to look here," Xena said, marking her map, "here, and here. These three spots are the only places big enough to hide an army of that size, and knowing Draco, he won't want to split up his forces. So he'll be in one of those three. Don't get seen, and report back to me with what you find."

"We won't let you down." Taking the map, Ephiny nodded to Xena before bowing towards Gabrielle, leading her sisters out of the room to begin their search.

"With any luck," Xena said, "they'll find something before too long."

"What about us, Xena," Joxer asked, stepping forward and gesturing to the rest of them. The five men nodded, eager to hear what she had to say. "What do we do?"

"For the moment? Nothing."

"But Xena-"

"But nothing, Toris," Xena said, casting a glare at her older brother. "My plan is, if the Amazons find something for us, then after dark, the ten of us will sneak over and try to figure out how the camp is being protected. If we can figure that out- sneak into the troops, hide ourselves so no one knows we're there- then we can take out Draco without raising an alarm. Then we go after the rest of his commanding officers. With them dead, his men should scatter- Ares' blessing or not, no man wants to go into battle without a leader. And knowing they're fighting us?" She gestured to the group, her hand landing upon herself. "They'll be out of the valley before dawn without us having to really do much fighting. Which will mean we'll only have to push the wedding back a few hours so we can all get some sleep."

Hercules and Iolaus had been nodding by the time she finished, though Toris and Joxer hadn't seemed entirely thrilled with the plan. Autolycus had just shrugged and continued eating.

"The least amount of bloodshed possible," Hercules commented. "I like it. And it should work, if we can figure out the best way through Ares' protection."

"Which," Xena said, sending him an apologetic grin, "is kind of where I need your help, specifically. Would you mind calling her? We're not…entirely on the best of terms."

For a long moment Hercules just looked at her in confusion, trying to figure out who this 'her' was. When he did, though, he just sighed and shook his head, his mouth pressing together into a thin, semi-angry line.

"You owe me for this," Hercules said. Taking a few steps away from the group, Hercules rubbed at his eyes for a few minutes before sighing again and calling for his sister. "Aphrodite? Can you come here for a minute? I need to talk to you."

"What's up, little bro?"

Just like always, Aphrodite was radiant- her hair perfect, her make up perfect, everything about her just dripping with lust, especially her overwhelming lack of clothing. Wearing her normal bikini and incredibly sheer over dress, the Goddess of Love waited with her hands on her hips for Hercules to speak, looking around the room as she did so.

"Well," Hercules said, gesturing over towards the rest of the group, his movement specifically pointed at Xena and Gabrielle, "I was wondering if-"

"Hold your thought, little bro," Aphrodite said, smiling widely as she pushed the boys aside to pull Gabrielle into a hug. "Oh, it's so good to see you, sweet pea," Aphrodite said, pulling back to kiss Gabrielle on both cheeks, an affectionate move Gabrielle returned. "And you finally got your warrior babe on the lock down. Good for you!"

"It's good to see you too, Aphrodite," Gabrielle said with a laugh. "And yes, Xena and I are getting married. Tomorrow, in fact."

"I know," Aphrodite said, reaching into her bikini top and pulling out a scroll- the same kind of scroll Cyrene and Hecuba had used to send out wedding invites. "Word of us being pals must have gotten around, because this showed up for me a few weeks ago. I'm sorry I can't come," she added with a pout. "I can't enter Hera's temple when it's in use without her express permission, and she blames me for Zeus having so many affairs, so there's no way that's happening. But, your wedding present is gonna be rockin'!" Aphrodite gave a little shimmy of excitement- captivating the gaze of almost everyone in the room as her chest moved, though they quickly found themselves with their senses once again as she turned back to Hercules. "Now that I've caught up with my friend, little bro," Aphrodite said, snapping her fingers so a stick of gum appeared between them, "what's up?" Popping the gum into her mouth, she chewed as she waited for him to go.

"It's actually about their wedding," Hercules said, jerking his chin back towards Xena and Gabrielle. "Ares is trying to stop it, and he brought an entire army with him to do so."

"What." A chill went through the room at the goddess' word- her previously preppy tone gone, her voice having dropped half a dozen octaves in that single word, in that moment they all remembered who was standing before them: the Goddess of Love, who had been around long before the other gods had existed, springing forth from the foam when Uranus' cut off genitals had touched the sea. She had lived as a Titan, seen their creation and fall, had sided with the gods and taken their title, though that hadn't changed her stripes, only her loyalties. She was the first of the gods and would probably be the last, lingering long after the world was gone and she was all that remained.

Zeus might be the King of the Gods, and she recognized him as her father and his spawn as her siblings out of respect for him, but even he bowed before her at her every whim. He was king, but she was the more powerful, and with that single word they were reminded of it.

"He brought an army," Toris said, his voice slightly shaking as the goddess turned her suddenly steel gaze upon him. "Gabrielle had a dream about it, and he had this giant army that he's keeping invisible, and he used it to attack the town during the wedding. We're not sure how- we sent some friends to try and find where the army is waiting, but if you could help, we could…"

Toris had trailed off the longer Aphrodite stared at him, a shiver running down his spine. She was examining him like someone would examine a piece of meat at the market, and he had never felt so much like one before.

"Invisible, huh," Aphrodite had said slowly, one hand coming up to play with a curl- the movement, though, seemed oddly threatening instead of the relaxing sight it normally was. "I'll need some time to look into things. Xena, Gabrielle," she said, glancing over at them, "you two need to get to the temple. Hera will overlook the transgression of you two being together, due to the circumstances- and if she doesn't, I'll have a word with her. But if you don't go through with the purification rituals before the wedding, since you're doing everything else instead of getting a crossbow wedding, she'll be pissed."

With that, the goddess had blinked out of the room, leaving behind a trail of glitter and the faintest scent of roses to wash over the party.

Which had led them to the temple, where the priestesses had undressed them, escorted them into the warm waters, and started to bathe them as the priest read from his scrolls.

"And with these oils," the priest said as the priestesses escorted Xena and Gabrielle from the waters, drying them with soft, fluffy towels before beginning to spread the warm, scented oils into their hair and similarly scented lotions onto their skin, working it into every inch, "I say that you have been purified in the eyes of Hera, and are thus ready to be wed in this temple tomorrow. Serena, Tilana," he said, turning to the women who had been tending to Gabrielle. "Do you agree?"

"Yes," both women replied in unison. Grabbing a robe, the two of them wrapped it around Gabrielle and led her to the exit, the three of them walking in step. Xena just caught a glimpse of Gabrielle's hair twisted on top of her hair before they were gone.

"Dana, Jonna, do you agree?"

Dana was quick to confirm her agreement, though for a long moment, Jonna just stood there, staring at Xena with a measured gaze. As if she knew Xena hadn't been paying attention, even though Xena had given all of the right responses, had done the correct movements, had played the part perfectly while her mind ran through battle plans, always changing them depending on what the Amazons and Aphrodite could find.

"Jonna?"

"Yes," she finally said before walking away, grabbing the robe for Xena herself. Quickly, the two priestesses wrapped Xena in it before escorting her to the door that led out of the baths, down the hall, into the room where she had first been taken to strip.

"Dana," Jonna said softly, taking the robe from Xena as she removed it and handing it off to the other woman, "go ahead and take this to the wash room. I'll help our bride finish up."

The priestess left without a word, just a nod and a bow before exiting.

"I'm sorry my son is such a pest, though I do have to say, I am glad it will be you who takes him down a step."

"Hera," Xena said, nodding in recognition of the goddess as her form shimmered, losing the plain priestess look for her normal appearance. "I take it Aphrodite filled you in on the situation?"

"The Fates did," Hera replied, walking over and turning Xena around. Although the warrior was more than capable of tying up the lacing on her shift herself, she didn't protest when Hera began to. "They're always very confused when a child born with the gift of the oracle who isn't given to Apollo sets out to change their tapestry, and they tell me when that happens. What the original future would have been, what the changed one will be, how it affects the overall design- they're great weavers, but occasionally they have trouble seeing the finished product for the strand. Which is why I am very glad your Gabrielle had her dream and told you about it, for even that single act has changed the course of history."

"Why do you care," Xena asked- not to be rude, but out of a true curiosity. "I thought you hated humans."

"Oh, only the ones my husband has slept with," Hera said, tying the top of the laces into an elegant bow instead of the normal knot Xena used, though Xena was sure the bow would stay better than any knot would. "Everyone else? I am neutral towards. I enjoy my priests, and it always gives me great pleasure when a wedding takes place, especially when it's such a high profile couple such as yourselves. It saddened me to see what my son was planning to do," Hera admitted. "He was going to destroy such a beautiful union, desecrate my temple, all for some petty revenge." While she had been talking, Hera had grabbed a hair brush from nearby, using it to smooth the tangles from Xena's hair.

"If my plan works," Xena said, "then neither will happen."

"I know," Hera replied. "Your Amazons will be here soon, to tell you they found, in one of the clearings you marked, clear signs of an army- you can clear the dung and hide the footprints, and you can even make an army invisible and silent to everyone near, but you can't hide the smell, not forever. But Aphrodite, despite actually being quite serious for once, will have found nothing. Once you set her on the right path though, the path I'm about to tell you, she'll be able to help."

"What's the catch," Xena asked slowly, almost hesitantly. She knew bartering with the gods never did any good, but if what Hera was saying was true, then she had to give it a chance. If the price wasn't too big of one to pay.

"A favor," Hera said with a slightly shrug. "One that I can call upon with no questions ask, should the need arise."

"That's a very dangerous deal," Xena said, forcing herself to still as Hera reached a particularly stubborn series of knots. "For all I know, you could ask me to kill someone I love. And I would be bound by my word to do so."

"I am a reasonable goddess," Hera said, sighing softly as she finally got the brush through the rough patch- ignoring the pained look that crossed Xena's face. "The favor I ask will not cause harm to anyone you care for, nor would it harm an innocent. While it will be dangerous, and you might lose your life in fulfilling the favor, I will never ask you to sacrifice it- your death would be from accident or failure, not design." Cleaning out the strands of hair from the brush, dropping them into the bucket that sat next to the basin, Hera picked up a ribbon and draped it over her shoulder before returning to Xena's hair, pulling it back with her fingers to begin a braid. "Any favor I ask would be to directly benefit myself and my family, and would never purposely bring harm to your own."

With that she finished the braid and tied the ribbon around the bottom, making a pleased sound as she took in her creation.

"That's…better," Xena admitted. In fact, it was probably the best offer she had ever had a god make- no false promises of an easy quest, no hidden plans to stab her in the back by twisting words. It was the clearest cut deal she had ever heard.

It made her instantly suspicious, but what could she do? If Hera was telling the truth, and Xena's gut told her she was, then she had to trust her.

She didn't like it, but she nodded her acceptance.

"Good," Hera almost purred, running her hand over the braid, smoothing away the last few stray hairs that had escaped her. "When Aphrodite returns to you tonight, tell her 'Lelantos.' She will know what I mean."

With that the goddess was gone, leaving Xena alone with a single word and a prefect braid.

"What in the name of Tartarus does that even mean," Xena muttered under her breath as she pulled on her leathers and shoes, trying to puzzle together what the random hint she had just traded a favor away for meant. Cursing under her breathe when nothing came up, she left the room to go find Gabrielle.

They were supposed to, if they were following the laws of Hera, spend the rest of the day in quiet contemplation, reflecting on whether or not this marriage was really something they wanted. A last chance for someone to back out, built right into the system.

Instead, they were going hunting.

"Nice hair."

Xena just grumbled as she set off back towards the tavern, Gabrielle on her heel, reaching up to play with the end of the braid every time they came to a stop.


	10. What's A Little Failure and Cannibalism

AN 1: Full Title is 'What's a Little Failure and Cannibalism Between Friends?'

AN: Sorry this is a bit late guys. My friend and I are moving soon, so we've been filling out paperwork and packing. But I'm so excited for the new apartment! :D Anyway, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Xena.

* * *

Everything Hera said seemed to be coming true, as far as it concerned the Amazons.

"We don't know how they're doing it," Ephiny said, holding Xena's crude map from earlier down while she looked around for paper weights, "but somehow Draco's put an entire army right under our noses." Finally just pulling out some of her daggers and stabbing them into the corners of the paper (getting an angry look from Cyrene across the room as she did), Ephiny tapped the largest of the blobs that signified one of the clearings large enough to hide an army. "We couldn't hear them, couldn't see them, there was almost nothing to say that they even existed."

"Except the smell," Solari piped in, her nose wrinkling. "It wasn't there at first, but then the wind shifted, and just urg." She shuddered, sticking out her tongue at the memory. "It smelt like a couple thousand people took a bath in horse dung two weeks ago and never washed it off. It was disgusting."

"So you mean you after training," Eponin teased, poking her partner in the shoulder before growing serious once again. "It was ripe alright. I would place it at two, maybe two and a half weeks old. Not much older than that."

"There's been rumors flying around about us for months," Xena said, leaning over to look at the map, one hand reaching out for Gabrielle's while the other rubbed at her chin. "And Mom sent out the invites a month ago. Plenty of time for Draco to gather together his army and move it into position. Could you tell how many there were?"

"At least a couple hundred, though we couldn't get a good count with our noses," Ephiny said, a grim smile on her face. "We're going to have to work on that if we want to be more help."

"A location is already a great deal of help," Gabrielle said, her free hand reaching over the table to reassuringly pat her Regent's arm. "We at least have a starting point."

"We do," Xena agreed. Looking up, she took in their little group, examining them closely, weighing their skills and their weaknesses in her mind. She had the beginnings of a plan, but first…

"Hercules. Would you do the honor?"

"I don't know why you need me to call her," Hercules grumbled, pointing at Gabrielle, "when the two of them are such close friends."

"Because Aphrodite doesn't always show up for me," Gabrielle said with a shrug. "We're friends, yeah, but she has no obligation to me. Not like she does to you, since you're family and all. She comes and goes as she pleases, though she does always let us use her temples to rest if we're near one," Gabrielle finished. "She's more likely to show up for a random girl's night of drinking and gossip in the middle of a war zone then she is when I call."

"Maybe," a light, feminine voice said from behind the group, causing them all to turn, "that's because the chances of you being in the middle of a random war zone is a lot higher than your chances of calling for me when I'm not busy." Aphrodite's pout was much more reminiscent of the persona she normally put on, though it was clear she was still in all business mode- she wasn't smiling, and instead of her normal bedroom wear, she was wearing something almost respectable: a pink, sleeveless leather top, some soft pink leather pants, and a pair of gold leather boots with pink laces. And her hair was pulled up into a sensible do as well. "It's my war gear," she said with a quick glance down. "If Ares wants to try and break up my best friend's wedding, thus ruining a ship I've shipped since the Fates first told me about it four hundred years ago, he's going to have me to deal with."

"Glad to have you on our side," Xena said with a nod. "Find anything?"

"No." It was clear the goddess was upset with herself, her arms under her chest and an uncharacteristic scowl on her face. "I know there's something that will help, but I just can't think of it." She shook her head. "Too many memories up here for me to keep them all straight," she admitted, tapping her temple. "I'm too old to remember everything."

"Does the word 'Lelantos' mean anything to you?"

For a long moment Xena thought Hera might have played her- Aphrodite gave her a blank stare, her eyes glazing over after a while in thought. Slowly, Aphrodite began to shake her head, sending Xena's stomach sinking…before she smiled and clapped her hands, bouncing slightly as she remembered.

"Uncle Lelantos," Aphrodite said, grinning wildly. "He was a Titan, the younger Titan of air and the ability to stalk prey. He could make himself invisible, unheard- literally go completely unnoticed. However, being a Titan of air, he couldn't keep it up forever; eventually, the breezes would shift, and his prey would be able to smell him. When Zeus took over, he cut up Lelantos, but didn't burn the body. He…" Aphrodite trailed off as she realized something, her eyes going wide in panic before she poofed out of the room, the flash of light almost blinding.

Everyone was still blinking away the afterglow when Aphrodite returned, a box in her hands and a curse on her tongue as she ranted.

"-upid, self-centered, idiotic _dumb ass_ ," Aphrodite growled, almost slamming the box onto the table before pacing around the room. "Ares stole one of the boxes. He stole a box, fed the contents to the men, and that's why no one can see them- because they're literally digesting a Titan." Reaching out, she flipped open the top, exposing the contents to the humans.

Xena had seen a lot in her days as a warlord. A lot of sick, soul destroying things, and she had seen even more as someone trying to stop it all. But even her stomach churned as she took in the contents of the box. Reaching into the box, she winced as she took out a cube- still warm, still squirming, still slightly moist between her fingers.

"Pleasant," she said drying before returning the piece to the box, wiping her hand on her leathers. "I'm guessing we're going to have to eat some as well to battle Ares' and Draco's army?"

"We have to eat _that_ ," Gabrielle said, horrified. "Nope, no way. I will eat a lot of things," Gabrielle said, "but I am not eating _that_."

"You have to," Aphrodite said, "if you want to be able to see and fight this army." Picking up a cube of her own, she rolled it between her fingers for a moment before tossing it at Toris, who caught it and winced. "The pieces call to each other, so once you eat your own, you will be granted the ability to see and hear any who ate a piece as well. Meaning they'll also see you, so be careful." Waving her hand at the box she continued, giving them the backstory to understand. "Lelantos, when the Titans were defeated, was cut into thousands of small cubes, handfuls placed into boxes like these and scattered throughout the world. He hadn't been entirely against the gods, which was why he wasn't burned and turned to ashes. He's still conscious- in great agony, but conscious. And when a piece is destroyed, there's a dinar toss. Either that piece is lost forever, or it reappears in his cavern. When enough pieces have gathered, he might be able to reform. But that's not supposed to happen for thousands of years. But, Ares stole a few dozen boxes and fed the pieces to his men."

"Making the chances of Lelantos coming back that much higher," Hercules asked.

"Maybe," the goddess said with a shrug. "But again, it's a coin toss, so who really knows? But enough about dead Titans," the goddess said, waving her hand. "We can worry about crossing that bridge when we come to it. For now…" She picked up another piece and handed it to Iolaus, who looked at it in a mixture of disgust and intrigue, squishing it between his fingers as if it was a toy. "Don't eat these until you're about to attack," Aphrodite said, handing the box to Joxer so he could finish passing them around. As if realizing what she had been touching, her face crinkled in disgust, a handkerchief appearing between her fingers for her to clean them on.

Slowly, now that her part was done, the normal Aphrodite was coming back, her body relaxing, her smile coming more easily, her hair starting to fall from its restricting bun into the more comfortable loose curls.

"You need the powers of a god to keep the effects, but even without me, you should have half an hour, give or take. Little bro," she said as the box reached Hercules, "take two. You're big a big fella. But yeah. Eat the cubes, fight Ares, save your wedding, and we should be good to go!"

"Is there a reason why you can't extend the effects," Toris asked, glaring at the piece in his hand. "You know, be that 'powers of a god'?"

"Because I can't get involved, duh," Aphrodite said, snapping her fingers and returning to her normal clothes. "I was a bit hesitant to get involved at all this morning, but when I saw this," she said, walking around so she was behind Xena, lifting the braid so show the pink, perfectly tied ribbon at the end, "I knew Hera was totally groovy with me helping out. Though I can't do too much- this is still Ares' and Hera's shindig, since he wants to mess up her temple and all. So, I have to go. Did everyone get their piece of Titan?" After everyone had held up their pieces, Aphrodite took back the box, holding it gingerly by the tips of her fingers. "This is so grody. I need to get it home. Good luck, and bye!"

What that and a shower of sprinkles, Aphrodite disappeared, leaving them with the tools they needed in order to succeed.

Hopefully, Xena thought as she wrapped her piece of Titan in a cloth for safe keeping, the others following her example- some with less whining than others, though no one was happy with the idea of having to eat the cubes later. With only ten of them, against a couple hundred, their chances weren't the best; plus, Ares would still have his blessing on the army, making it that much harder. But now that they had the last piece, she could make her plan.

"Alright," Xena said after the last piece of flesh had been tucked away into a pocket or a pouch, drawing their attention back to her as she tapped the map. "I have a plan."

* * *

The plan was supposed to be simple.

Autolycus, Iolaus, and Toris would eat their pieces first and hide on the outskirts of the camp, pouncing on and knocking out the first three men they could find. Stripping them of their clothes and weapons, they would infiltrate the camp and find out what the rest of them needed to know- where the leader's tents were, whether or not they were all there, if there was a shrine to Ares anywhere that might be a conductor for the god's powers- Xena had had one among her troops, since once Ares had told her it was hard to bless an entire army without a home base to rest in. It gave him the power boost he needed, and let him feed directly off the energy of the army to protect it, instead of second handedly through their sacrifices. Once they had what they needed, the three of them were supposed to report back to the group and write what they knew on a piece of paper and drop it they could read the information.

Then, leading everyone in the group by a rope so they could see where they were being taken, they would position the others where they needed to be, making sure they were as close to their targets as physically possible without alerting the troops. When every second counted, they didn't have time for playing around. Not when it was a matter of life and death. Once they were in place, Auto, Io, and Toris would fallback- they were good fighters, but with their time running short, it did none of them any good to have them be vulnerable if the meat's powers ran out.

Once in position, the rest of the group would eat their own pieces of Titan and begin phase two. Eponin and Solari would start a disturbance on the far side of the clearing- if Xena knew the men Draco would enlist into his army, and she did, none of them would be able to miss watching two Amazons go at it like mad dogs in heat. The two of them would pretend not to notice anyone, making as much of a ruckus that they could to draw as many eyes as possible. Hopefully, a good portion of the camp would fall for it.

Meanwhile, Ephiny and Gabrielle would make their way towards Ares' shrine and destroy it. While none of them were entirely sure what would happen if they did, Xena hoped it would at least make it that much harder for Ares to keep his blessing on the troops, leaving the men vulnerable- from what Gabrielle had told her from the dream, most of them barely knew how to hold a sword, and she had only been defeated by sheer numbers. Without Ares to guide their hands, it should be that much easier.

Xena and Hercules would go after the leaders. Most they would kill- even Hercules, with his distaste of death, had agreed that leaving most of them alive would only cause a great deal of suffering later. The more minor warlords they could give a good beating to, leaving them with hopefully a distaste for violence that would help them consider a more peaceful path for life. Draco Xena wanted alive- she wanted to question him, have him revoke his acceptance of Ares' blessing, and, if possible, leave him alive. In jail to pay for his crimes (perhaps the more cruel of the options, since death, at least, would release him from his supposed heartache over Gabrielle), but alive nonetheless.

With the leaders dead or unable to fight, Ares' shrine broken and his blessing gone, the army would quickly dissolve, the warriors heading for the hills as quickly as their feet could take them. By dawn tomorrow, they would all be gone- leaving the area safe and sound for the wedding.

And Joxer was supposed to watch the horses so that, the moment their plan was complete, they could all ride out of there, free to go and do as they pleased (which would be bathe and sleep).

It was supposed to be a simple, straightforward plan. _Supposed_ to be.

Of course, nothing ever went according to plan. And this time it wasn't even Joxer's fault- it was sheer bad luck, and it was going to get them all killed.

It had started to work at first- Iolaus, Toris, and Autolycus had disappeared right before their very eyes, the last thing they all saw their faces scrunched into disgust. It had been strange, not even being able to sense them- Xena could tell when even the gods were near, but being unable to even see or feel her loved ones when they were right behind her (she could only tell because one of them had started playing with her hair, and when she reached back and smacked them, her hand had hit something solid) had been unnerving.

Quickly the boys found their targets- or, at least everyone thought they did. Three lengths of rope had been dropped before Xena's feet, and when she had followed the lengths to where the ends had disappeared, she met warm, living flesh, though it was clear the victims had been knocked out. She had quickly tied the ends to the nearest tree and waited, hoping that it was random soldiers who she had just tied up, and that this wasn't some horrible, awful ruse.

Waiting had been the worst- what if something went wrong? None of them would know, not until the flesh wore off and the boys became visible again, and by then it would quite possibly be too late. But, eventually, familiar hands came along, dropped quickly scribbled directions into their hands, and grabbed the small lengths of rope everyone had tied around their wrists, leading them into position.

Eponin and Solari were left on the southern side of the clearing with clear instructions to wait for Gabrielle's bird call to begin. Joxer was left in the west- the horses uncomfortable in the nearly pure dark, though Joxer's steady hand calmed them. Ephiny and Gabrielle were placed a little while away from him, both placed at a strange angles to the rest of the forest- hopefully right towards Ares' shrine. And Xena and Hercules were led to the northeastern section, left with a heavy pat on their shoulders as their friends disappeared.

Xena waited, chewing on her tongue, for Gabrielle's call. She wouldn't give it until after Auto, Io, and Toris had gone back to her and given her the signal- the three were going to stay with Joxer, keeping control of the horses as the power of their pieces of flesh died out, keeping them safe while also letting them do something useful. Gabrielle would give out her bird call- chosen because she had never quite perfected it; it sounded enough like a real bird that no one else would question it, but the rest of them would die a little on the inside at hearing it- when they were all safe, and it would be go time.

So they waited. And waited. And would have kept waiting, except Xena's stomach sunk and her heart began to pound, the way it only did when Gabrielle was in trouble.

She didn't explain as she pulled out her pouch of flesh, stuffing the piece in her mouth and swallowing it after a few quick chews, her face wrinkling in disgust at the taste. Hercules, seeing what she was doing, quickly followed suite.

And both found themselves surrounded by a couple dozen highly armed men, including Draco, who had Gabrielle in his arms, a knife at her throat.

"Xena," he said with a smile, pressing his knife a bit closer to Gabrielle's throat when the warrior took a step forward, halting her in her tracks. "It's so good of you to join us. Isn't it, my sweet?" Leaning down, he placed a soft, gentle kiss against Gabrielle's cheek- and looked up at Xena with a smirk when she growled. "Now now," Draco said, shaking his head and tutting, ignoring the absolutely disgusted look Gabrielle shot him out of the corner of her eye. "I know you love Gabrielle as well, Xena," Draco said. "However, I'm willing to make sure that if I can't have her, no one can. And you want her alive. So be a good girl and follow me. We have the rest of your party in the tent over there," he said, jerking his head. "We'll have you join them, and then the fun can begin. Tie them up, and take away their weapons." His last sentence was to his men, a small handful of them stepping forward to take their swords and Xena's chakram, while another group tied ropes tightly around their hands. When they were done, two took the ends and gave them a hard yank- Xena and Hercules didn't move, but it got the message across, and so the two began to walk.


	11. In Which Singing and Sex Jokes Save

**AN 1:** Full Title name is 'In Which Singing and Sex Jokes Save the Day'

 **AN 2:** Hey guys! We're in the final stretch now, and it's been a great journey! Now, I have to admit, I am moving over the next couple of weeks into an apartment with my friend (I'm so excited! :D), and that might make my posting schedule a bit iffy. I will do my hardest to keep the Sunday/Wednesday schedule (does that even work for you guys? Like, are there other days that would be better for posting? Idk, I kind of randomly chose those, so if there are others, let me know and I can change them), but please bear with me if it takes me a bit. But, anyway, here is chapter 11! Enjoy! :D

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Xena.

* * *

Entering the tent, Xena had to bite back a small sigh of relief as she took in the room. A large, transportable jail had been taken off its wheels and settled onto the ground, rooting it in place. The wood holding it together was thick, the metal shiny and strong, and inside, roughed up but still alive, were Eponin and Solari.

"I think I might be nice tonight," Draco mused as the cage was opened, Xena and Hercules prodded inside by the tips of half a dozen swords. Considering his options for a moment, Draco pushed Gabrielle in after them, sending her stumbling into Xena's arms. "Say your good byes, my love," he said, leering at Gabrielle. "Tomorrow, after our wedding, the main event will be a bonfire. With your friends here as the tinder." Laughing to himself, Draco turned and left the tent, taking most of his men with him- besides the two left at the entrance to guard it, they were alone.

"What happened?"

"It's my fault, Xena," Gabrielle said pulling herself up and starting to untie the ropes from Xena's wrists. "I was waiting for the guys, and some of the horses started to get spooked. Ephiny went to help him, and while she was gone, a group came up behind me. Started getting handsy," she added, wrinkling her nose. "I tried to fight them off, but I couldn't figure out where they were, so I ate my piece. But there were too many of them. I'm sorry." She shook her head and sighed.

"Don't be sorry," Xena said, leaning down and placing a quick kiss on her cheek- right over where Draco had kissed her earlier, both a possessive and a soothing movement. "The others escaped, and they'll be able to figure something out. What about you two," Xena said, turning to the two Amazons while Gabrielle began to work on Hercules' rope.

"Same," Solari said with a shrug. "Hunting party found us, tried to have some fun while invisible, and we had to eat to beat. There were about forty in all, and we just couldn't shake them. So they brought us in, and took all three of us to Draco. I'm sorry, my Queen," Solari said, bowing to Gabrielle, her face cloaked in shame. Eponin joined her, even quieter than normal.

"It's okay," Gabrielle said, reaching out and pulling them both to their feet. "The men were invisible, inaudible, and were practically impossible to track. It wasn't your fault."

"But we still failed you," Eponin said- her voice was dull, her face was blank, but it was clear the Amazon, the head trainer in weapons amongst the tribe, was hurting by her failure. "Now we're stuck here with no weapons, no plan, and unless the others can figure something out soon, no way to escape."

"…not quite." Xena's words were slow as she thought, her hand half raised, touching her hair. She had gone to run her fingers through her hair, a small, calming tick she had developed, only to find her hair still bound in a braid. Pulling it over her shoulder, Xena eyed the pink bow Hera had wrapped around the end, the gears in her mind turning at high speed as she pulled it undone.

The ribbon was longer then she had thought, the ends wrapping around her fists and still leaving a decent amount of slack between them. Grinning evilly, Xena held up her new weapon, her hair falling around her face to frame the excited, battle hungry gleam in her eyes.

"I have a plan."

It was Gabrielle who called for the guards, her voice light and pleasant- no need to worry them, though they still came in with their swords drawn, casting suspicious glances at them all as they moved to the side Gabrielle was standing on.

"I would like you to take me to Draco," Gabrielle said, giving them a wide smile. "If we're getting married tomorrow, I have some things I need to discuss with him. You know, where we're going to honeymoon, how many kids we want, things like that."

"You're shitting me, right," one of the guards asked, spitting a wad of greenish-brown phlegm off to the side. "Everyone knows you're heads over heels for the Warrior Princess. There's no way you're leaving her."

"Another day, I might have agreed," Gabrielle said with a shrug, trying to hide the disgust she had for the man. "But I've been thinking and, well…" She gave Xena a sly glance before turning back to the men. "My relationship with Xena has been rather… _lacking_ , we could say," she said, her emphasis and another glance getting the guards to smile. "I just haven't been _satisfied_ lately. Or at all, really. And I'm hoping Draco will be better… _equipped_ to help me with that, if you know what I mean."

Both guards chuckled, the one that had spit taking out his keys and walking around to the door on the far side, shaking his head as he did so. "So the Warrior Princess' shit in bed," he said, laughing again. "Never thought I'd hear that, but from the mouth of babes." Pausing by the door, he started to count through the keys on the ring, trying to find the right one.

"You know," the other guard said smoothly, leaning closer towards Gabrielle- and the bars. "If Draco can't help you out, I'm more than willing to give it a try. If you're up for it," he gave her what he must have thought was an alluring grin, though it quickly turned into a leer as Gabrielle reached forward, her hand coming up to cup the back of his neck.

"Maybe I'll take you up on that one day," Gabrielle said softly, leaning towards the bars… Only to jerk back, her hand pulling with her, slamming him face first into the metal. When she removed her hand he dropped, face covered in blood from a broken nose, a welt already appearing on his forehead. "Or maybe never, let's go with that."

"Wha-" As the other guard turned to look at his friend, Xena struck, one hand with the ribbon twisted around it streaking through the bars to grab him, pulling him in close so her other hand could grab the other side of the material, the slack in the middle pressing hard against the guard's windpipe. His hands scrambling at his throat, he couldn't get a hold of the ribbon as Xena maneuvered both sides into one hand, twisting the ends shut so he couldn't escape while she plucked the keys from his hand.

"Thanks," Xena said, pushing him forward before jerking him back, smacking the back of his head hard into the metal, sending him to sleep with his friend. Finding the right key, Xena quickly unlocked the cage, throwing it open for the others to leave.

She stood to the side as Hercules, Eponin, and Solari left the cage, only to catch Gabrielle by the arm as she walked by. When Gabrielle looked up at her, the bard couldn't help but laugh at the pout on her face.

"That rumor had better not spread," Xena pouted, letting go of Gabrielle and leaving the cage now that her grievance had been said. Gabrielle just laughed again, snickering to herself about warriors and their easily wounded pride.

"Think we can fight our way out," Hercules asked, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he peered out through the entrance, careful not to open it too wide. "It'll be tough, but…"

"If all of us were like you, then I'd say yes," Xena said after a moment, joining him and looking out before shaking her head. "But as it is, the rest of us are fully mortal, and we only have two swords between us." She jerked her head back towards the two guards, who Eponin and Solari were stripping of anything valuable. "What we need is a distraction. Something that will get most of them out of our way while we go for Draco. If we can get him out of the equation, we might not need to take the other leaders out. But first w-"

Xena was cut off as screams began outside their tent, yells calling for water and someone to get the horses merging together into one giant roar of noise, the crackling of flames and the terrified squeals of horses riding high over it all. Poking her head back out of the tent, Xena looked on with an amazed grin at the chaos.

Someone had cut the tethers for all of the horses and spooked them, sending the entire herd rampaging through the camp, trampling anything they came close to. On the other side, a giant fire raged, consuming tent after tent, solider after soldier, leaping from one poorly made and placed structure to the next. Some were trying to gather the horses and keep them from disappearing into the forest, some were trying to create a bucket line to save their camp, and no one would be paying attention to the group.

Except for one man who came riding on a horse right up to them, his voice deepened in song as he pulled to a stop.

"He's Joxer, Joxer the Mighty," Joxer sang, jumping from his horse, miraculously landing on his feet instead of his face like usual. Finishing the note, Joxer smiled at the group and waved them out. "Come on, guys, let's get out of here."

"Not yet," Xena said, shaking her head. "I need to find Draco. If I don't this isn't going to be the end of it. But you guys go," Xena ordered. "There's no telling where this fire is going to go, and we can't risk getting trapped here."

"But what about you," Ephiny, leading Argo, said as she appeared behind them. Holding up her other hand, she gave Xena her chakram before pointing to the pile of weapons she had secured on top of Argo's saddle with some rope. "Found them a few tents over." While the others quickly took their weapons back, Ephiny continued. "Your brother and the others went into town to get some people to help put out the fire after we started it." Handing the horse off, Ephiny asked again. "The chance of you getting caught in the flames is just as high if you stay, Xena," she pointed out.

"I'll be fine," Xena said, pulling herself up on Argo once the saddle was clear. "With just me as a rider, Argo can outrun the flames. And if she can't, I know some caves we can hide in until the fire puts itself out. I'll be fine. Now go."

"Xena, wait!"

"Gabrielle," Xena said testily as Gabrielle grabbed onto Argo's tack, pulling the horse to a stop. "I can't take you with me. Two riders will slow Argo down too much, and will put us both at risk. I-"

Xena fell silent, unable to do anything else as Gabrielle slid one foot into the stirrup, lifted herself by the pommel, and pulled Xena into a kiss. A short, quick kiss, but one that promised many others to come.

"Just come home safe," Gabrielle said as she returned to the ground. "I'm going to join the bucket brigade from town."

"Get them to start by the river just west of here," Xena ordered, forcing herself to focus. "It'll be a shorter line and get this put out quicker. Now go!"

Without waiting, Xena dug her heels into Argo's side, the horse shooting off from the group like an arrow, weaving her way past men and tents and little sprinklings of flame, the wind helping it to grow. A quick glance behind her told her what she wanted to know- her friends had all disappeared, meaning they were heading towards safety. Shifting Argo's course, Xena herself turned away from the fire, towards the cliffs that rose in the near distance.

She didn't know how she knew, but she knew Draco would head there, try to get the wall at his back, find some place to defend and make a stand. He had chosen wrong, chosen her own home turf, and she knew she was going to win.

Reaching a small rise that took her high enough to see the entire camp, Xena paused to look back- already much of the fire had been put out, at least around the edges. The center inferno itself still burnt strong, wild, and dangerous, but at least semi-contained by the men. From the other side she could see a group of people already in a bucket line- her brother, Auto, and Iolaus had either been fast, or the citizens of Amphipolis had smelt the smoke and already been on their way. Either way, the forest wasn't at risk of burning.

But what was burning, in the center of the flames, was a badly done wooden statue, a crude likeness of the god carved into it. It was badly done, but seeing as how the fire was only just touching it, it was clearly good enough for the God of War. As the flames licked its base, blackening the wood where they touched, it almost seemed like the statue was staring at her, watching her, glaring at her with contempt and barely hidden hatred.

She turned away and nudged Argo into a gallop again, leaving the statue to watch as she left it behind, hopefully for good.

* * *

"You can't hide from me, Draco," Xena called as she slowly stalked her way along the cliff walls, using the darkness to her advantage. She had sent Argo off the moment they had reached the edge of the cliff- the golden mare was too visible in the night. Now, using the shadows to mask her movements and her memories of exploring these walls as a child to guide her, she slid from one crevice to the next. The ivy clung to her as she moved, whispering gently against her skin, brushing against her as if in greeting and parting and well wishes for her task. "I grew up here," she called again. Her sword was drawn, ready to fight the moment she found him. "I will find you. It's just a matter of time."

"Would you kill me," Draco asked, calling out from his hiding spot- a mistake. The moment he made a sound, she knew exactly where he was, in one of the smaller caves. There was no real tunnel connecting that one, though it gave the impression that there was, going seven or eight yards into the earth before stopping. "If you found me, right here, right now, would you, Xena? Would you kill a defenseless man who did what he did for love?"

"No." Xena was honest- she had no plans on killing Draco, not just yet, anyway. "But what you did was for power, for ownership, not love. You want to possess Gabrielle," Xena said, a low growl in her voice. "Even if it means destroying her in the process."

"And you haven't done the same thing," Draco asked, coughing at the end of his sentence. It sounded like he had breathed in smoke as he fled, and his lungs were still trying to recover. "You took a sweet young woman into the world, put her in a position to kill, made her kill her own child for you- yes, Xena, I know," he said. "Ares told me everything, when I called upon him for his blessing. You've all but destroyed Gabrielle, Xena. By your very own hands, you have. I want to protect her, preserve the woman I fell in love with. You're the one destroying her."

It hurt. His words hit far too close to home, squeezing her chest with a reminder that everything he was saying was right. She had hurt Gabrielle so many times, led her into so many dangerous situations, had forced her to go against her very nature just to do what Xena though was right without examining any other way- Draco, on many levels was right. He was right, and it hurt.

"At least she chooses me," Xena said, slicing through the ivy that covered his hiding place, her sword coming to rest at the base of his throat. "No matter how many times I've tried to send her home, tried to get her a better life, let her find someone who actually deserves her," Xena said quietly, "no matter how many times I've tried to let her go, she's always refused. She at least chooses me. While she'll never choose you."

Dropping her sword, Xena struck, pinching his veins before he could blink. Letting out a gurgling sound, Draco stumbled and leaned against the wall, trying hard not to pass out from the sudden lack of blood flowing to his brain.

Xena didn't need to explain- she had put the pinch on enough people in his presence for him to know exactly what she had done.

"What…do…you…want?"

"I want you to swear that you will leave Gabrielle and me alone," Xena said, crossing her arms and staring at the struggling man. "I want you to swear that you will remove your army from my valley, tonight, and go somewhere very, very far away. I want you to swear to never harm another again. I want you to swear to be a good man who might one day actually be worthy of Gabrielle."

"And if…I don't?"

Xena shrugged, and they both knew the answer. If he didn't, then he would die, and Xena would have one less warlord in the world to worry about.

"Fine."

"Swear it," Xena said, her mind cycling through the gods and goddesses to find one. Nodding, she reached over and placed her fingers on his neck, ready to remove the pinch the moment he swore. "Swear upon Hera, Queen of the Gods, that you will fulfill those terms."

"Upon Hera…I swear."

Removing the pinch, Xena caught him as he started to fall, the blood rushing to his head. Easing him to the ground, Xena patted him on the knee as he coughed, his lungs trying to make up for the lack of everything he had just experienced. After a moment he looked up at her- whether his eyes were tearing because of the pain or because of his feelings, she wasn't sure, but a bolt of pity shot through her at his look.

"I didn't want to lose her to you."

"You already have."

With that she rose and left the cave, leaving Draco alone to realize he had, fully and truly, lost.

It didn't take long to find Argo, the horse coming after a few quick calls. Pulling herself up into the saddle, Xena turned to stare into the forest, nodding respectfully as a woman walked out of them.

"Having him swear upon me was a good idea," Hera said, nodding, stepping forward to gently caress Argo's muzzle. "Upon Ares, and my son might have let him off the hook, for a price. I shall hold him to his word for as long as I live. I can promise you that."

"And I can promise you your favor, when you want it," Xena said, nodding once again. Despite the woman's obvious hatred for Hercules and other humans, Xena, oddly enough, trusted her. Not a lot, but more than any other god.

"One I call upon now."

Xena stiffened- she had been expecting at least something of a break, a chance to enjoy the next few days without stress or worry. But clearly the goddess had other plans, for Hera just looked up at her expectantly. Slumping- she was exhausted, tired beyond all belief, and yet still had more to do- Xena rubbed at her eyes before nodding.

"What is it? I'll do my best."

She had to keep her promise to the goddess.

"Have a good life with your wife."

"…what?"

"I've learned a lot," Hera admitted, continuing to stroke Argo's nose, "since Hercules helped me to stop hating humanity. I used to think of you as worms- less, because worms at least had a purpose. I saw humans as horrid, unnecessary creatures, and I couldn't love you. I had a few I looked fondly upon," she admitted. "The ones who took care of my temple, I gave many blessings to- the way you would reward a loyal dog. The ones who dedicated themselves to me, I would occasionally grace with a word or two. But everyone else? All other humans were inconsequential to me, and so I didn't care. But Hercules changed that." Hera sighed, scratching Argo behind the ear, the horse snorting in pleasure. "I no longer hate humanity. In fact," she said slowly, "I've come to love it. Love the creation and the passion, the hate and the violence- everything that humanity is, I've come to love. And not all gifts must be returned. So, Xena of Amphipolis, I call upon you to return the favor you owe me: have a good, long life with your wife. And maybe throw an offering into the fire every now and then. I am fond of rabbit."

"That is a favor I will happily return a thousand life times over," Xena said, bowing her head to the goddess, hiding both her wild smile and the tears in her eyes. "That I swear."

"Good," Hera said, reaching out and patting Xena's knee. "I know you shall, in the futures to come. For now, curtesy of my husband…"

At Hera's words it began to rain, a deep, drenching downpour that cut into the bone, making your entire body ache with the cold. Xena was grateful- if it reached out as far as she believed it did, than this would put out the fire, saving the forest. She looked down to thank the goddess, but she was gone. So instead she turned her horse and started to ride back to the camp site to check on the flames before she went home.

"This isn't over, Xena."

"For now it is, Ares," Xena called over her should, barely glancing at the god as she rode. "For now? I've won."

* * *

Gabrielle was waiting for her when she returned to the town, standing at the main entrance, ignoring the rain and the cold to see her. When Xena came into view- soaked, tired, Argo slowly trotting along under her, the two of them half covered in the ashy mud that Argo's hooves had flung up as they road through the camp to check on the smoldering fire- Gabrielle broke into a grin and raced down the road to meet her.

Neither of them said a word. Xena just slid from Argo's saddle and patted the horse on the rump, sending her forward. She knew where the stables were, and waiting a few more minutes wouldn't hurt. Holding her arms open, Xena caught Gabrielle around the waist as she threw herself into Xena's arms, her own wrapping around Xena's neck.

They just held each other, just held on as tightly as they could, both shivering from the cold and neither making any movement to break the hug, instead just holding each other tighter. Neither said a word.

When they finally did move it was to draw each other into a kiss, long and slow and loving, forgetting about the world around them to focus on their own. To focus on each other, their everythings, their loves and lives and soon to be wives.

They kissed, and for them, the world consisted of them and that kiss, and nothing else.

* * *

 **AN:** I'll admit, 90% of the reason I wrote the fic this way was to make the joke about how bad Xena is in bed. That is 90% of the reason and I do not regret it.


	12. This Wedding Isn't A Dream

**AN 1:** Full title is 'This Wedding Isn't A Dream, Though It Could Be.'

 **AN 2:** Chapter 12. Finally, lovely chapter 12. This has been the chapter we've all been waiting for. After this, there's one more chapter, which will be the epilogue that finishes everything out. Unfortunately, because I am moving, I will be unable to upload the chapter on Sunday, so it will be uploaded once I have internet set up at my apartment. Or maybe I'll upload it early. Who knows? We shall see how things go over the next few very hectic days. Anyway, I hope you guys all enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Xena.

* * *

Even with the overwhelming smell of smoke, even with the thick, disgusting mud that tugged at everyone's shoes and threatened the bottom of their clothes, it was a beautiful day for a wedding.

It had originally been scheduled for mid-morning, Cyrene and Hecuba figuring that an entire day of celebrating would allow the party to end before midnight rolled around (a vain hope. Even if the wedding had been at dawn, the after party would have continued long into the next, the last of the drunks wandering off only after a full twenty four hours of drink and fun). But by the time Xena and Gabrielle had dragged themselves into bed, the sun had just been a few hours away from rising.

The two had come back exhausted, Xena covered in muddy ash and Gabrielle just dripping wet, both cold enough that, even by the fire, their bodies still shook. Baths had been heated, wine had been mulled, and warm food had been brought to them while they bathed, but still it had taken a good, long while for them to warm enough that Cyrene felt it safe to send them to bed. The last thing anyone wanted was a sick bride or two, too sick to walk down the aisle, and sending them to bed still with a chill would have accomplished just that.

So, the wedding had been pushed back until early afternoon, leaving everyone more than enough time to sleep before having to get up and head to the temple to get ready.

Xena was mostly awake by the time Lila knocked on the door, poking her head into the room with a smile. The smell of meat and freshly baked bread followed behind her as she slid into the room, along with the sounds of people laughing. Gently closing the door behind her, Lila nodded at Gabrielle as she came and knelt next to the bed, reaching out to move some of her older sister's hair from her face to confirm she was sleeping.

"Did you sleep well," Lila asked softly, glancing up at Xena with a warm, sisterly smile. When Xena nodded, her smile grew. "Good. Would you like to wake her up, or should I?"

"You go ahead," Xena said, sitting up and putting some space between her and the still sleeping bard, who gave a small, distressed noise as the source of warmth she had been cuddling disappeared.

Lila's smile grew wicked as she reached over and stole Xena's pillow. Shifting most of the feathers inside to one side, Lila stood, took her stance, and whapped Gabrielle, the pillow making a dull, almost painful _whump_ as it connected.

"What th-"

"Wake up, wake up, wake up," Lila laughed, smacking her again and again with the pillow as Gabrielle tried to sleepily defend herself, searching for her own pillow. Getting ahold of it, Gabrielle fended off one smack with her forearm and retaliated with her own, catching Lila on the side. Surprised, Lila hesitated for a moment- a fatal mistake, as Gabrielle ripped the pillow from her hand and grabbed ahold of Lila's arm, pulling her onto the bed and pinning her.

"Good morning, Lila," Gabrielle said with a laugh, kissing her little sister on the cheek before letting her up. While Lila sat up and started to pull feathers from her hair, Gabrielle scooched over in the bed, curling back into Xena's side, the blankets pulled up to her chin as she yawned. "Now go away. I'm tired."

"But Gabrielle," Lila whined, rolling her eyes as she shot Xena another smile. "You have to get up. The sun is shining, the weather is beautiful, a huge breakfast is waiting on the table downstairs…" Lila let her words trail off, only to laugh as Gabrielle's stomach made it very loud and clear that breakfast sounded good right about now. "And," she added, "you're getting married in a few hours. So you have to get up."

"Or," Gabrielle said, "I could stay here with the woman I love and you could bring us breakfast in bed?" Her voice was hopeful if a bit sleepy, and she cuddled closer to Xena as she spoke, her head resting on Xena's thigh. "That sounds nice."

"Gabrielle," Lila reprimanded, "we have to be at the temple soon. You have to get up, now."

"Make me."

Lila raised her eyebrow and was about to pounce when Xena just held up her hand, her own smirk positively evil.

"Xena, no," Gabrielle whined as Xena moved away, her head falling to the mattress as Xena got out of bed. "Just a few more minutes. Come back to bed, and then I'll get up, ok?" Snuggling down more into the warmth of the blankets, hoping that her plea had worked on the warrior, Gabrielle waited, sure Xena would slide back under the covers in a moment. Xena would never admit it, but both of them knew she was whipped.

Only this time, this time Gabrielle found herself utterly _betrayed_ as Xena ripped the covers from her as Lila tipped the bed, sending Gabrielle sprawling. She would have hit the floor if Xena hadn't caught her, an impressive display of agility even for her.

Xena just laughed and kissed her nose as Gabrielle pouted, helping her to her feet so she could stand on her own.

"I think I'm going to like having Xena as a sister," Lila chuckled, shaking her head at the affectionate sight. "I'm going to tell everyone that you're awake. Breakfast is ready, so don't wait too long to come down, ok?" Leaving them to get ready, Lila quickly disappeared from the room.

A warmth filled Xena as Lila left. She had always wanted a sister.

"She's a good kid," Xena commented as Gabrielle came up behind her, wrapping her arms around Xena's waist and hugging her close.

"Lila," Gabrielle clarified, resting her chin on Xena's shoulder. "Yeah, she is. She's a brat sometimes, but I love her. And I love you too, even when you're one as well." Dropping a kiss onto Xena's shoulder, Gabrielle pulled away and began to get dressed. "Let's go get some breakfast," Gabrielle said, tying shut her shirt and running her fingers through her hair. "I don't know about you, but I could eat a horse. Maybe even two."

"So long as that horse isn't Argo," Xena said threatening, though her eyes twinkled, "go right ahead." Pulling on her own leathers, arranging herself into a semi-decent form- not that she had to do too much, since their real preparations would be done at the temple- Xena started towards the door to head down to the main room. From what she had heard the few moments Lila had been going in and out of the room, it sounded like most of their friends were downstairs eating. Meaning the moment they entered the room, they would be swamped. "Ready?"

"Yep." Gabrielle took Xena's hand, intertwining their fingers, smiling up at her as she did.

Xena squeezed her hand and smiled back, opening the door and leading the way to their food and friendship.

* * *

The water was surprisingly cold, sending a chill down Xena's spine as she stepped in. At least the room had been kept warm by the fire, though it stunk of the herbs the priests insisted on burning. Grabbing the soap that had been left on the edge, Xena began to scrub her skin as the priestess who was supervising her for the last ceremonial cleaning began to speak. The same things Xena had heard over and over again- about how big of a responsibility marriage was; of the duties the married were to perform, not from obligation but from the love within their hearts; of the sacredness of their newly created family, blessed by Hera and Hestia, who often walked hand in hand with each other, blah blah blah.

All things Xena had heard before, all things she was tired of hearing over and over again, and all things she would gladly listen to again and again if it meant getting to marry Gabrielle.

She washed as quickly as she could, thoroughly scrubbing her hair and skin, trying to remove the last traces of the smell of smoke that had clung to her since the night before. Even though she had bathed last night, the ash and mud darkening the water as it swirled around her hips, removing most of the smell, the last hint of it had lingered. Taking the bottle of scented oil from the priestess when she held it out to her, Xena poured some into her hand and ran it through her hair, squeezing out as much of the water as she could to dry it as she did.

It was nice- a hurried bath from excitement, not necessity. Xena wanted to leave the water she normally luxuriated in so she could face what was coming next.

Rising from the water, Xena quickly dried herself with the towel the priestess handed her, the other woman looking away to preserve her modesty- something Xena couldn't help but laugh at, being treated like the blushing virgins that normally visited these halls instead of who she really was. Wrapping a robe around herself, Xena tapped the woman's shoulder, who turned with the last piece of the event cupped in her hands- a piece of apple for Xena to eat, which she did, happily.

"Follow me," the priestess- an older woman, Xena was able to see now, now that she was close- said, nodding her head towards a far door. In silence they walked, exiting the baths, through the maze-like halls that were the priest and priestess' living quarters, heading back towards the main area they used for ceremonies. She led her into one of the waiting rooms, where Cyrene waited as well.

"Xena," Cyrene said with a smile, reaching out and pulling her into a hug, kissing her cheek as she did so. "Come, come, we don't have much time. Only half an hour before everyone starts arriving, and another before I have to leave to take my place."

The priestess nodded at them both before leaving Cyrene and Xena to get ready.

It didn't take long. They decided, while Cyrene brushed Xena's hair, to leave it down, with only a few pins to keep it from covering her face, framing it nicely instead. The dress took no time to get her into- it was so masterfully made, fitting almost as perfectly as the leathers she wore on a day to day basis, perhaps even better, it seemed as if the dress wore her instead of the other way around. The sandals were simple, the laces tightening around her calves to keep them in place. It took them no time at all, leaving them with plenty of time to chat.

"I'm proud of you, you know."

Xena started slightly when Cyrene spoke- they had been sitting in silence for a couple of minutes, each deep in their own thoughts. Turning to look at her mother, running her hands over her dress to smooth out the wrinkles, Xena waited for Cyrene to speak again; it was clear she had something she wanted to say, so Xena waited for her to say it.

"I'm proud of you," Cyrene said again. Standing from the chair she had sat in once they had finished getting ready, Cyrene took the few steps to close the space between them, her hands reaching out to take Xena's. "I don't say it quite as often as I should, but I am. Even," she said, holding up her hand to cut off whatever Xena was about to say, "even with your past, I'm proud of you. You've grown into such a beautiful woman, someone who does so much good in the world, and I'm proud of you. And I love you, Xena, so very much."

Xena, blinking away the tears that had started to well up in her eyes, just stood there herself, pulling her mother into a hug. Kissing her on the cheek, Cyrene was wiping away the few tears that had fallen when a knock came at the door, Toris poking his head in when they said it was alright for him to enter.

"Xena," Toris breathed, smiling softly as he took in the sight of her. "Xena, you look beautiful. Mom, it's almost time. You need to take your position."

Cyrene nodded and kissed Xena on her forehead, smiling softly at her as she departed.

"Are you nervous," Toris asked as he stepped forward, pulling her into a careful one armed hug. "I know I would be."

"No," Xena said, leaning against him slightly, her head resting against his shoulder as she spoke. "Gabrielle is my everything. She's the person I love most in this world, and this is right." She chuckled to herself and shook her head. "It's strange to think that this is only happening because Mom believed a rumor, but in the end, this is right."

"I'm glad," Toris said, giving her waist a quick squeeze before stepping away, his hands slowly rising in a defensive position. "I'll admit," he continued, "when I first met her I was hoping _I_ would be the one to wed Gabrielle, but I'm glad it's you." The last part was quickly said, Toris trying to calm his sister before the murderous glare she threw at him became a punch, or worse. "You two belong together," he added, relaxing when Xena smiled at him, rolling her eyes at his worry. "You're lucky she's yours."

"That's where you're wrong, Toris," Xena said, shaking her head as a priestess knocked on the door, signaling the wedding was about to begin. Looping her arm through his own, Xena and Toris took their places before the doors, waiting as they fully opened before taking the first steps.

"Gabrielle isn't mine. I'm hers."

The first few steps were the strangest. The moment they began to walk down the aisle, Xena could feel the stares, knew there were hundreds of eyes upon her- while she was used to the feeling of being watched, it was normally accompanied by obvious feelings of anger, mistrust, suspicion, hate. The normal welcome she got when she entered a place where she was well known for the wrong reasons. So it was strange, entering a room and feeling the love, the excitement, the joy that radiated off of everyone there.

People who were utterly forgotten as Xena saw Gabrielle.

Her hair pulled up, only a few strands left to frame her face, Gabrielle was a vision in her ivory colored dress, the cut and style reminiscent of her amazon regalia, though as one piece instead of two. Feathers and beads-looking almost as if they had been taken from her Queen's mask themselves- decorated the neck and waist lines, shifting softly as she walked.

She was the most beautiful thing Xena had ever seen, and it was only Toris' strong grip on her arm that kept Xena from tripping over herself as she walked.

"You ok," Toris hissed as Xena fully righted herself- it hadn't been bad, just a sudden lurch that had jerked the two of them a step forward, but still. Xena, ever since she had grown into her overly large children feet as a teen, had been the picture of grace (at least in public). It was rare for her to misstep.

"She's beautiful," was the only answer he received.

Slowly they walked down the aisle, listening to the Priest of Hera as he spoke, reciting the Jobs of the Father- to protect, to teach, to provide, to love. The words were a blur- she had heard them so many times over the last week, she could have run the ceremony herself, had she not been a part of it. But the words themselves didn't matter. They were just a part of this play, leading to the end result: Gabrielle.

Reaching the end of the first third, Toris kissed each of her cheeks before handing her off to Cyrene (they had laughed about it a few days ago, when Xena had first found out about the 'handing off' ceremonies. As if she were a toy to be passed between parties. A precious toy, but a doll nonetheless). Tucking Xena's hand into the crook of her elbow, Cyrene and Xena took the first step as the priest began to speak about the Jobs of the Mother- to nourish, to encourage, to tend, to love.

Looking at Gabrielle as they took their next step, Xena recognized the hint of panic in her eyes- while Gabrielle never got stage fright, she still feared a failed performance, a fear that had, early on, when she was just beginning to ply her trade as a bard, almost led to a few canceled performances. And just like always, Xena felt her features soften into the reassuring look Gabrielle would need, the one that told her everything would be alright, that she could do this.

Gabrielle, after a few moments and deep breathes, nodded that she was okay. She kept time with her mother Hecuba, each step bringing them closer together.

Reaching the end of the second third, Xena kissed Cyrene on her cheeks, pulling her into a quick hug- against the rules, technically, but no one would say anything about it, at least not to her. "I love you too, Mom," Xena whispered. "Very much so."

Cyrene's eyes were glistening as she pulled away and went to sit down, her quick nod a signal that she had heard.

The last third they walked themselves, and it took everything within Xena to keep herself from throwing tradition to the wind and running down the aisle to reach Gabrielle that much quicker. It took everything she had, but Xena kept her steps slow and measured as the priest talked about the Jobs of the Wed- Be loyal, be caring, be careful with each other's hearts and souls.

Things they two of them had already been doing for a long time, and would for so much longer.

Finally, with one last measured step by each, they reached the center of the temple as the priest finished reciting the jobs, leaving them standing there, facing each other.

"Hey," Xena said softly, her voice barely a whisper. Glancing down, she bit back a laugh as she watched Gabrielle's hands twitch towards her, only for Gabrielle to curl them into fits, keeping them by her side. She smiled though, a soft, gentle smile.

"Hey."

"And now," the priest said, the first word sung while the other was spoken, looking out into the crowd. "I have to ask. Is there any among us, man or woman, young or old, who think Xena of Amphipolis and Gabrielle of Poteidaia should not be wed on this day, in this, our mother Hera's temple? If there is someone who does, speak so we may confer and decide if your grievances are enough for Hera to turn from this union."

Xena knew there would be nothing, that no one was brave enough to say anything, but still she partly turned to stare out into the crowd, watching in case anyone did. She would listen to them if they spoke up, address whatever fears they might have, and remember their faces. Just in case. But no one spoke up.

"Brides, turn and face me and kneel before Hera to have this union blessed."

Turning to face the priest, both Xena and Gabrielle knelt before him, their heads bowed as he spoke, asking Hera to allow them many long and happy years together. Although they were supposed to keep their eyes on the floor, signifying humility before the goddess, they couldn't help it- every few seconds they would glance out of the corner of their eye, turn their head ever so slightly to see the other, and their gazes would lock, neither able to stop looking at the other until the priest's singing first word to every sentence reminded them of what they were supposed to be doing. It was only then that their eyes would drop, only to eventually find them staring at each other once again.

"And now, as the High Priest to Hera, Goddess of Marriage, I say that this union is a blessed one. Rise, Xena of Amphipolis and Gabrielle of Poteidaia, for you are now…"

For a long moment the priest went silent, the last word hanging heavily in the air as they all waited for it to fall. Feeling Gabrielle stiffen besides her, her breathing becoming panicked, Xena reached out and took her hand, glancing up at the priest standing above them.

He was looking down at them, watching them with a gentle smile.

"Rise, Xena of Amphipolis and Gabrielle of Poteidaia," he said again, gesturing with his hands that they should, in fact, rise. Pushing themselves to their feet, both women continued to look at him as they waited.

"Rise, for you are now wed. You may share your first kiss as wives."

It was Gabrielle who pulled her into the kiss, Gabrielle who threaded her hands into her hair to keep her close, Gabrielle who caught her off guard with the ferocity of what was supposed to be a quick, simple peck. Not that Xena was complaining- the second the initial shock wore off, Xena was kissing her back, her arms around her waist, both of them oblivious to the cheers filling the hall around them.

They were married, and that's all that mattered.

* * *

"Are you enjoying yourself?"

Looking down at where Gabrielle sat next to her at the wedding table, Xena had to be honest- the music was too loud and off key, most of the guests were flat out drunk, several fights had started that she had had to finish, and she had heard more inappropriate jokes in the last hour then she normally had in a week among her men. Although the meal- especially the dessert; the baker truly did know his stuff- had been lovely, it had taken them an hour to eat, every other bite interrupted by well-wishers who wanted to congratulate them, quickly allowing their food to go cold. Lila, at least, had been sober when she had stood to say her speech, though Toris hadn't been able to say the same (Xena made a mental note to punch him later for telling the barn story. It had sent the guests and Gabrielle howling, but it was supposed to be kept between the two of them). And then Joxer had stood for his own speech, barely making it through the first few words of the one he had practiced before he threw the entire thing off to the side and launched right into how they had met.

She was going to have to do damage control with her in-laws tomorrow, since from the moment Joxer started talking about Gabrielle dangling from Callisto's burning rope, Hecuba and Herodotus had locked her with angry, terrified glares. They had known it was dangerous traveling with her, that Gabrielle's life was often in danger, but this was the first time they had _actually_ heard just how so.

So Xena had to be honest.

"Yeah," she said, smiling softly, leaning down to place a quick kiss against Gabrielle's cheek. "I am."

Because even with all of that combined, this was their wedding party, celebrating the fact that they were married, and Xena was enjoying every moment of it.

It was starting to get late- the sun had set a few hours ago, and already some of the oldest and youngest partiers had left for the night, grandparents and small children wandering off to home, leaving their parents to party. The seamstress had been one of them, coming up to them with her grandchild on her hip to thank them once again for giving her the honor of making their dresses. A conversation that had ended up going in circles as they thanked her for the dresses, ending with them laughing amongst themselves and the child whining for bed. Leaving them with a wave, the woman had disappeared into the night to go home.

"Since you're enjoying yourself so much," Gabrielle said slowly, chewing on her bottom lip, "what would you say if I suggested we leave and go back to the tavern?"

Gabrielle wasn't looking up at her, instead staring at her hands, folded in her lap, a flush across her cheeks. Almost shyly, she glanced up at Xena out of the corner of her eye, only for her gaze to fall back to her hands, the blush deepening.

"Gabrielle," Xena said softly, realization washing over her. Reaching out, she took one of Gabrielle's hands in her own, lacing together their fingers and giving her hand a squeeze. "There's no rush. We have the rest of our lives together. If you don't want to, we-"

"I want to," Gabrielle said, looking up and meeting her gaze, though her cheeks were still a deep red. "I want to."

"Then," Xena replied, lifting Gabrielle's hand so she could kiss her knuckles, "if you're making the suggestion, I would say we should go." She worded everything so it was Gabrielle's choice, Gabrielle who would decide what they would do that night, what their next move would be. She was leaving the ball in her court.

"I'm making the suggestion."

"Then let's go."

They both stood from the table, nodding their good byes to those who were sober enough to notice- so not many, though a few of their friends nodded back and raised their drinks in a miniature toast. Slipping from the square, the two began their walk back to the tavern.

They walked in silence- companionable, not awkward, the kind that filled most of their travel when Gabrielle wasn't telling a story or Xena wasn't teaching her about the world around them. It was a silence they were both used to, one they actually enjoyed. But even still, Xena could feel Gabrielle's pulse through their conjoined hands as her heart raced.

Xena was sure Gabrielle could feel hers as well.

Reaching the tavern, Xena pulled them to a stop, smiling as Gabrielle turned to look at her. Without warning, Xena lunged forward and scooped her into her arms, laughing as Gabrielle squealed.

"Xena, what are you doing," Gabrielle laughed, her arms wrapping around Xena's neck to steady herself, her feet giving a few little kicks for emphasis. "I can walk the last few feet."

"It's tradition around here," Xena said as she walked up the stairs that led to the tavern door, using her hip to nudge it open, "to carry the bride over the threshold of wherever they live. Since we're staying here for a while…" She shrugged as well as she could, maneuvering them through the door into the tavern proper. However, when Gabrielle moved to get down, Xena just held her tighter, heading towards the stairs. "I like having you in my arms," Xena admitted softly, taking the stairs easily.

"I like being here." Gabrielle rested her head on Xena's shoulder, nuzzling the bare skin. She sighed, softly, kissing her shoulder.

Reaching the door to their room, Xena gently put Gabrielle on her feet, the two of them just standing there, staring. Reaching up, Gabrielle cupped Xena's face, a movement she leaned into, brushing her lips against Gabrielle's palm. Neither moved, not until Xena cleared her throat and gestured to the door.

"We can go back to the party if you're not ready," she said softly. "Or even just go to bed. We can-"

Xena stopped as Gabrielle placed her thumb against her lips, only to trace them with its pad when Xena had quieted.

"I love you, Xena," Gabrielle said, "and I have for a very long time. Be with me?"

Leaning down to capture her lips in a long, slow kiss, Xena fumbled open the door to their room and led her in, closing it hard behind them.


	13. A Married Couple This Cute

**AN 1:** Full title is 'A Married Couple This Cute Should Be Illegal, But It Isn't So Suffer'

 **AN 2:** And here, finally, is the last chapter, my friends. I had an amazing time writing this fanfic- it's actually the longest complete thing I've ever written, I believe, and I loved and enjoyed every word. I hope you guys did too. Now, a little preview for the future- I have a handful of one shots completed that I will be posting, hopefully keeping up this twice a week posting schedule (though the days might change). I am also working on another multi-chapter fic, and if I can ever get past chapter 5, then I can finish it and get that started posting as well. And thank you all, for your kind reviews and your likes/kudos. Seriously, they made me quite happy, so thank you. Now, onto the final chapter of Apple Proposal- enjoy!

 **AN 3:** So, yeah. Sorry this is so late- internet is still not up at my place and everything is dumb. But I found a connection, so enjoy the final chapter of 'Apple Proposal!'

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Xena.

* * *

Despite everything, Xena still awoke as the sun rose, small slivers of light poking in between the curtains. However, just like for the last few days, she didn't feel that overwhelming desire to get up and go she normally did- it was as if the warrior was at rest, letting her just live.

So, like she'd been doing for the past few days, Xena just laid there and stared at Gabrielle.

She was an absolute mess. Her hair was matted and knotted, sticking to her skin where sweat had dried. Hickies and bite marks covered what of her neck and chest Xena could see- a small trill went through her at the sight, knowing they continued under the blanket and that she had quite a few of her own. Just like always, Gabrielle was sleeping with her mouth open, a small line of drool wetting the pillow.

Xena had never been more in love then she was right then.

When she had first set out on her own, to follow the path Hercules had helped her get on, Xena never would have guessed that the annoying young woman she met those first few days would come to mean so much. She had thought, after the first two weeks of them traveling together, that Gabrielle would go home, either by force or choice, leaving her alone once again. She had been sure, over and over again, that Gabrielle would disappear from her life.

But now they were married, they were in love, and she was going to get to spend the rest of her life waking up beside her.

Shifting closer to Gabrielle, Xena draped her arm across her waist, burring her face into her neck and placing a kiss against her pulse. Curling into her, Xena snuggled close and closed her eyes, drifting back to sleep.

For the first time in a very long time, she was at peace.

* * *

They stayed for a week, enjoying the company of their friends and family during the day and each other at night, actually relaxing and letting go of the stress that had followed them. Xena showed Gabrielle around town, the two of them exploring the places Xena had roamed as a child, the popular ones all the children had visited and the secret ones only Xena knew alike. Toris occasionally joined them, helping to fill Gabrielle in on their childhood, including the stories Xena had been hoping to keep to herself- the types of people she had run with as a teen, overly embarrassing stories about her learning how to fight as a child, the little things Xena had wanted to stay buried, even from Gabrielle. Though, her laughter made it worth it.

They stayed for a week, a miniature honeymoon, the best their line of work could allow them.

But a week after they were married, a letter came in, requesting Xena's help. An army, led by one of her old soldiers, was marching on a kingdom Xena owed a few favors to, and its king was calling them all in. The army was expected to get there in a month- perfect for Xena, since it was a two week travel by boat, giving them plenty of time to organize the defenses.

They were allowed a week, and then they had to go.

"Come and visit me soon you two," Cyrene said, pulling each of them into a hug before passing them off to Lila- the only one of Gabrielle's family to still remain, Hecuba and Herodotus having had to leave two days after the wedding to get back to the farm. Some of the local men had agreed to escort her home when she was ready to leave. "I don't want it to be another two years before I see you again."

"Same," Lila said, going up on her toes to kiss Xena on the cheek before going to Gabrielle, pulling her into a long hug. "I know Mother and Father would love to see you both- even you, Xena, even though you might be back on the rocks." The day after the wedding, Hecuba and Herodotus had chewed her out about how dangerous their lives were, and while she had managed to do enough damage control to get back on their good sides, it was still a bit touch and go.

Something she had to thank Joxer for, the next time she saw him. But he too, along with most of the other guests, had left shortly after the wedding- him to find his brother, Hercules and Iolaus to deal with a family issue of their own, Autolycus to his own plans, and Ephiny, Eponin, and Solari home to the Amazons.

It was time they left as well.

"We will," Xena promised them both. "When, we can't be sure, but we will."

"Promise," Gabrielle piped up, smiling. "Let Mother and Father know," she said, turning towards Lila, "where we're heading, alright? And tell them you can expect a scroll from me in a few weeks."

"It better arrive quickly," Lila said, hugging Gabrielle again. "Your scrolls are always so exciting- warlords and armies and danger. Your life is such an adventure!"

"Well, let's keep it in the scrolls for you, huh," Gabrielle said, pulling away and patting her shoulder. When Lila nodded, Gabrielle smiled and kissed her forehead- having to stand on her toes to do so, causing everyone to laugh, but still a sweet gesture. "Good," Gabrielle said. "Like Xena said, we'll come visit soon, I promise."

With that, the two of them departed the tavern and headed to the market. They had already been running low on supplies before they had arrived to their surprise marriage, and they had polished off what they had had left during their miniature trips over the last week, using it before everything went bad. Meaning they had to stock up before they left.

It never took them long, Xena identifying what they needed while Gabrielle haggled the vendors into prices they could live with. Within half an hour they were set to go, heading towards the gates that would lead out of town.

They had almost left the market when something caught Xena's eye, a smirk crossing her lips. She slipped away, leaving Argo to follow after Gabrielle to keep the bard from noticing her disappearance. With hushed voices, she bought what she needed and quickly caught back up, stopping a few feet away from her wife.

"Gabrielle!"

When she turned, Xena tossed what she had bought at her, smiling widely as she caught the fresh, shiny red apple.

Gabrielle looked at it and laughed, bouncing it in her hand for a moment before taking a bite. "You know," Gabrielle said as she chewed, covering her mouth with her free hand, "if I wasn't a married woman, I would think you were trying to start a rumor." She tossed the apple back to Xena, who caught and examined it closely as she took a step closer.

"Who knows," Xena said teasingly, shrugging. "Maybe I am." Xena took her own bite before tossing it back, Gabrielle catching it with ease.

"I don't know if my wife would like that." Another bite, another throw, Xena catching and taking a bite of her own.

"I'm sure I could take her, if I wanted to." By this time Xena had finished closing the distance between them, the apple moving right from hand to hand, their fingers brushing with each pass.

"Oh, I don't know about that," Gabrielle said. "You might have heard of her- Xena, Warrior Princess. She's kind of the best warrior in the world. I think you'd be hard pressed to beat her."

"Ehh, I've heard she's kind of a wimp," Xena said, waving off Gabrielle's comment, laughing to and at herself. "Went and fell in love with her bard, and that she's scared of her father-in-law. Besides," she added, "for you, I'd fight anyone."

"Really? You're scared of my father?" Gabrielle broke character, actually looked surprised by Xena's confession, taking a bite of the apple to hide her confusion.

"Absolutely," Xena said in all seriousness, stealing the apple to nibble at the remaining flesh. "He's the one man I'm honestly afraid of. He was willing to fight me for you once, and I honestly believe he might have won. Though," she added, "that might have been because I didn't want to hurt him. Him being your father and all. But either way, that makes me terrified of him."

"I should tell him that," Gabrielle teased, stealing the apple core and removing the last bit of the fruit, licking the juice from her fingers as she threw the core into the small trash pile that had gathered on the side of the road to be picked up later. "He would enjoy knowing you're scared of him. But even if you could win against my wife," Gabrielle continued, slipping back into her role and smiling up at Xena as she reached up, wrapping her arms around Xena's neck while Xena's wrapped around her waist, "which I highly doubt you could do, you'd still find yourself out of luck."

"Oh, really," Xena asked, leaning down so their noses bumped against each other, only her curiosity at Gabrielle's answer keeping her from initiating the kiss. "How so?"

"Because you'd still have to win me. And even if you did beat her, I am too in love with my wife to care." Gabrielle tilted her head up so their lips just barely brushed. "I'm planning on spending the rest of my life with her, so you're just out of luck."

Xena didn't reply, just laughed as she leaned in and kissed her wife, Gabrielle kissing her back, a messy, sticky affair that tasted just like apples.


End file.
